Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Going Through a Break Up

You don’t need to have been through a break up yourself to know that they are awful. They’re like the worst day of your life every day for weeks. They’re like the worst headache you’ve had that won’t go away no matter how much Advil you take. They’re like crying in the bathroom between classes. They’re like that Y2K if Y2K had actually been the disaster people predicted it might be.

So, if you know someone who’s going through a break up, you want to be, like, super-duper-extra-crazy-nice and supportive to them, even if, and especially when, you are tired of hearing about it again. There are many unhelpful you can say to someone in that situation (um…NO, you do not know what I’m going through). Here are a few actually helpful ones, ones that will hopefully actually cheer up your friend:

Breaking up’s like having the flu: it’s a bad few weeks, but you do start feeling better (and you will stop throwing up every time you run into him at school).

It’s Treat Yo’ Self day every day until you feel better.

At least this is the 21st century. I mean, if this were Jane Austen’s time, you would have to marry him or become a spinster.

I know he’s supposed to be the “class clown,” but I have never laughed at one of his jokes.

When I ran into him walking our new family puppy, he barely batted an eyelash. He didn’t even bend down to pet her. What I’m trying to say is: he’s probably a serial killer. Good you got out while you could.

I’m so excited to hang out with you more! We’ve all missed seeing you as much!

Another plus: now you’ll have more time to read.

Oh, and I saw him pick his nose in math class once. Not some, “Oh I have an itchy nose” kind of stuff, but some serious digging.

He was lactose intolerant. Do I need to spell it out for you? Ok, well can I anyway? N-O I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M.

Honestly, he probably couldn’t handle dating someone as brilliant and generally amazing as you.

A few months ago, I dreamt that he cheated on you. I also dreamt that you turned into a huge fire-breathing dragon and ATE HIM. WOW, YOU ARE AWESOME.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, because every break up is so different and equally hard and miserable and, yes, it’s totally normal to cry yourself to sleep every night. Call me any time, no matter how late, if you need to talk.

I won’t tell anyone at camp that he was the one who dumped you. In fact, I’ll tell them the opposite if you want.

From now on, I refuse to look at him. I will only look through him. It’ll be like he’s got on an invisibility cloak.

Also, if you get back together, I take back everything bad I said. And I’ll also take back my promise to write your weekly book reports.

Have you been through a bad break up? What helped or definitely DID NOT?