Auntie SparkNote: How Can I Give Love Advice to My Crush?

Hey Auntie,

I have a bit of a problem, and I think it’s girl related. I’m a 20-year-old college guy and I have a habit of having extended conversations with my love interests. Most of the time this had led to them being close to me, but in a friend-y way, not in a girlfriend-y way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but in my most recent antics, I have come to know a new girl—we’ll call her Q. Without going into much detail, I met Q online through a friend and it wasn’t long before were having long extended video chats over Skype.

As time passed, I started to like Q so I asked her out on a date after a few weeks (though I met her online she lives close by). She said she’d rather just stay friends and so we continued on as usual. In her head once she said “just friends” I stopped liking her, but in my head it hasn’t stopped. It has recently come to light that I still like Q, and she has been talking to me about what she’s been doing in terms of her romantic antics. This included some unrequited interest, but they were still kissing and hanging out etc.

All of that being said, I have given many girls advice on how to deal with their guy problems (Q included) and most of the stuff I have told them ended out working for the better. But now I’m in a situation where I just have too many questions. Why would Q still do this stuff with this guy if she knows he doesn’t like her? Now that my feelings are out in the air, how is she supposed to ask me for boy advice? Am I just supposed to wait this out and hope for the best or am I supposed to come to her aid? I keep having questions that I rationally think out like all the other times I’ve helped my friends, but I don’t like the answers I’m giving myself.

Aw, buddy. Of course you don’t—not because you’re not thinking clearly, but because this is a situation in which all the answers to your questions are crummy and uncomfortable. You’re bumping up against some painful but essential truths about what it means to like someone who doesn’t like you back, and what kind of havoc that can wreak on your boundaries, your heart, and your sense of self-respect.

Because here, in order, are your questions and their answers:

Question: Why would Q still do this stuff with this guy if she knows he doesn’t like her?
Answer: Because the fact that he doesn’t like her hasn’t changed the way she feels about him. Which, uh, should sound familiar to you. (Hint: Go back to the part of your letter where she said “Just friends” and your heart said “IDGAF.”) She’s willing to give up a little dignity for a scenario that feels an awful lot like requited interest, even if she knows intellectually that she’s probably being used. Settling for a friends-with-benefits scenario with a person you want to be more-than-friends with is a mistake, generally speaking, but it’s one a hell of a lot of people make. Sure, your crush said he doesn’t like you that way—but that knowledge tends to seem awfully insignificant and immaterial when he’s literally kissing you.

Question: Now that my feelings are out in the air, how is she supposed to ask me for boy advice?
Answer: Um, ideally? She isn’t supposed to do that. As a general rule, the person whose heart you just rejected romantically is not the person you then turn to for advice on dating someone else. That is the proverbial bucket of salt in the proverbial open wound, if you know what I’m saying. Which brings us to…

Question: Am I just supposed to wait this out and hope for the best or am I supposed to come to her aid?
Answer: NOPE. Nope on both fronts, sweet pea. Silently pining for a person who’s already rejected you and hoping they’ll come around is a total non-option—and as we’ve already discussed, your emotional investment in this girl makes you pretty much the last person on earth who should be advising her on matters of the heart. That’s not just because you’ll struggle to be objective, but because it keeps you over-involved in her life at precisely the moment you need to be stepping back. In short, neither of the options you’ve given yourself here are particularly healthy ones.

What would be healthy, and what I hope you’ll do starting now, is to get yourself a little much-needed space so that you can start moving on from your crush. She’s told you she only wants to be friends, and she’s throwing her feelings for another guy in your face to boot; you’d be hard-pressed to find a more straightforward message of non-interest. I’m sorry. I know it sucks. But it’s time to stop looking for ways around that and start the process of moving on, ideally by dialing back your contact with her until your feelings aren’t so fresh (and eliminating yourself completely as a source of love life advice. If she asks, kindly inform her that she should find someone else to look to for help on that front.)

Meanwhile, there is a little bit of good news in the fact that your relationship with this girl is happening entirely online, i.e., it’s not like you’ll have to worry about running into her at the grocery store and having an awkward moment. Once you find the strength to distance yourself, the hard part is over, and the healing starts.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.