Auntie SparkNotes: Am I the Toxic Friend?

Dear Auntie,

I’ve seen your posts about friend-breakups and toxic friendships, and I love the advice that you give about these situations. My question here is, though, what if you are (were) that toxic friend?

I was blessed enough to have a wonderful mentor/semi-maternal figure in my life for a couple years during early college. My relationship with my own mother is difficult—she has her own issues that prevent her from being there for me when I need her, and she could be emotionally abusive toward me when I was growing up. Anyway, my relationship with my mentor was really special to me, and she was able to provide me with a lot of the “woman-to-woman” advice (for lack of a better term) that I couldn’t really get from my mom.

For a lot of the time that we were “friends,” though (I guess? I don’t know what to call it?), I was extremely needy. You know the one—that friend that everyone hates. During my freshman year of college, I was dealing with some really tough stuff—family issues, health crisis resulting in a major operation, mental health issues, friendlessness due to the aforementioned problems… it wasn’t pretty, and I leaned heavily on my mentor.

After a while of this, she (understandably) reached the end of her rope, and she told me to shape up. And I did—I really thought, at least. However, she dumped me all of a sudden after I had been trying really hard to not be needy, and I’m pretty sure that it’s because she was still angry from before. Everything seemed fine, and then she dropped this bomb on me that she never wants to hear from me again.

Anyway, now, I’m just having so much trouble forgiving myself. I feel like the worst person ever that I would have put so much upon this woman that I loved and respected so deeply, that I wasn’t respectful enough of her boundaries, and that I totally failed as a friend/mentee. It’s been a while since all this happened, and I know that I need to let go, but I really can’t stop beating myself up about it, and I’m terrified to ever talk about any issues in my life with anyone now because I’m afraid that I’ll come off as needy. I really am grateful for this experience to learn and grow, but I’m having trouble growing from it since I can’t forgive myself. How can I let go of this horrible guilt and stop identifying as a toxic person?

Allow me to answer your question with a question, Sparkler: Do you honestly believe that overstepping boundaries and alienating friends is something that only a certifiable Toxic Person™ does?

Because if you did, you’d be wrong! Simply dabbling in toxic behavior does not a Toxic Person™ make. We all have the capacity to behave in toxic ways, and more importantly, nobody makes it through life without ever crossing that line. You must realize that every last one of us has low and un-self-aware moments where we cling, or cheat, or manipulate, or lash out—and for most of us, the regret we feel after the fact represents a valuable and vital lesson in how to do better next time. The mistakes you made in your relationship with your mentor do not make you a toxic friend, any more than the falls you take while learning to ride a bike make you a toxic cyclist. It’s what you do after you’ve screwed up that matters.

And here’s the thing about the Toxic Persons™of the world: They don’t learn anything from their relationship mistakes, because they don’t think they made any in the first place. They certainly don’t look back at a relationship-gone-wrong, as you have, and say, “Yikes, I behaved badly.” The fact that you recognize and regret your part in what happened is all the evidence you need that you’re an emotionally healthy, non-toxic human being.

Of course, you may still have trouble believing that, which is why I strongly recommend that you talk this out over at least a couple sessions with a qualified therapist, who will help you reacquaint yourself with the difference between healthy relationshipping and needy attention-seeking (in an environment where you never have to worry that you’re talking too much about your issues, because the person you’re talking to is there specifically to listen to you.) As good as it is that you’ve come away from this experience with an understanding of the dangers of leaning too heavily on any one person, it’s important that you not let the fear of being clingy take you through the looking glass to a place where you can never be open or vulnerable in your relationships.

But on that note, it’s also important that you not let one person’s bad reaction to being leaned on become the one and only standard for how you conduct your friendships in the future—especially when that reaction may not have exactly been fair in its own right.

Which is the last bit of this equation that bears mentioning: I have tried and tried to envision a scenario in which you’re totally right, and this whole entire falling-out was all your fault, rather than a two-person tango with an unfortunate result… and darling, I don’t think there is one. As much as you may have tested the limits of your mentor’s patience, it was her responsibility to deal with her feelings and assert her boundaries when you were asking for more than she could give, especially when she’d willingly taken on this sort of surrogate mother role in your life. She could have spoken up before her frustration and resentment build past the point of no return—and maybe her choice not to do so was well-intentioned, but still, it was her choice. You’re not at fault for stepping across a line you had no idea was there to begin with.

And hopefully, with the help of a good counselor, you’ll be able to believe that and move on.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.