Auntie SparkNotes: Can I Trust My College Judgment?

Hi Auntie!

Like most high school seniors in the U.S., I am very stressed about college. I tried talking to a therapist about it, but she gave the same advice as everyone else: I don’t know which schools I’ve gotten into yet, so worrying about it is premature. I can’t stop thinking about it though! Here’s the sitch: I’m really super tempted to attend my local state university. I already got in plus a full ride. The thing is, my state has a really, really, really, really crappy reputation when it comes to education of all kinds. Everyone in my (rather snobbish) social circle looks down on the state school even though it is objectively a good school. Plus, there are all kinds of research and personal anecdotes showing that the prestige of one’s undergraduate school literally does not matter at all in the grand scope of things.

However, as I mentioned before, the circles I run in can be pretty snobbish. I have a reputation at school. My friends and teachers seem to think I will have my pick of the Ivy League schools, and that I “can do better” than the state school. More importantly, my mom seems set on me attending a cream-of-the-crop school. She says that she just wants me to be happy, and I believe her, but her actions suggest that she wants the best for me. I understand that and would love to go to an elite college, but I’m not okay with putting a huge financial burden on her shoulders.

I would feel pretty confident in my plan to attend the state school and get a free degree, except there is one more factor that makes me completely doubt my judgement. My boyfriend of two years is currently a freshman at the aforementioned state school. We’re rocking long-distance right now, but going to the same school would be amazing. We could move in together. I could accelerate my curriculum and graduate at the same time as him. Even if things didn’t work out, it’s a big university and I could avoid him completely. I’m worried that this very tempting factor is skewing my judgement. Everyone else thinks so. My friends raise their eyebrows whenever I say I’m thinking about the state school. During an argument with my mom, it came out that she thinks I’m not trying hard enough to get merit-based financial aid so that I have no choice but to follow my boyfriend. (My boyfriend himself is not expressing an opinion either way so as not to sway me, but obviously he would love to have me near.)

This is all premature since I don’t even know if I got into any elite schools yet, but the real problem here is that I don’t trust myself and I feel like I’m letting down my mom. Do you think I can trust own my judgement, Auntie? If so, how do I convince my family (and my peers) that I know what I’m about?

Let’s start with the bad news, Sparkler: If your friends and family don’t already see why you’d be tempted by the prospect of graduating college with a four-year degree and zero debt, then I don’t think you have much hope of explaining it… although I suppose you could try putting your face no more than two inches from theirs, repeating the words “FREE COLLEGE, FREEEEE COLLEEEEEEGE” very slowly and at a forceful volume, and watching their eyes to see if there’s any dawning recognition there. (Note: If you do this, please send video.)

And at this point, Auntie SparkNotes must also admit to you that I’m a little baffled — as part of the generation that’s now suffering crushing buyer’s regret over borrowing to pay for college and putting off major life milestones because of their student loans — that the people around you don’t recognize what a big deal it is to have the opportunity to attend college at no cost, whether the school in question has prestige name recognition or not. Even if you could cobble together enough merit-based aid to lighten the financial burden of an elite school (which, it’s worth noting, the Ivies don’t offer at all), average tuition plus room and board runs upward of $50,000 per year. With a price tag like that, even the most generous merit scholarships (usually several thousand dollars) don’t make much of a dent over the course of a four-year education.

None of which is to say that you have to take a full scholarship to your state university just because they’re offering you one — but for crying out loud, you would be out of your damn mind not to give it some serious consideration. Geez.

So no, it doesn’t say anything bad about your judgment that you’re leaning toward the a zero-cost education. And while there’s no getting around the part where your boyfriend’s presence on campus would certainly add to the appeal, I will say this: Auntie SparkNotes is no stranger to letters from cow-eyed young folks who are obviously and unwisely putting aside their best interests in order to follow a significant other to college, but you don’t strike me as being one of those people. (Trust me: If you did, I’d tell you, and I’d be SUPER MEAN about it.) From here, this just looks like a case where the financially viable decision also happens to be romantically convenient. So… yay? Like you said, the campus is plenty big enough for you to go your separate ways if things don’t work out (assuming that you don’t share a major, a residence, and all the same extracurricular interests — but you won’t, right? Right. That would be ridiculous.)

And again: this doesn’t mean you should make any particular choice. It doesn’t mean that what seems like the wisest decision right now will end up ultimately being your choice, either (i.e. if one of the other schools you applied to makes you an offer you’d rather not refuse). And regardless of what you pick, you’ll still run the same risk of regret that comes with any major decision — which could come in the form of wishing you’d gone to a swankier school, but could also come in the form of wishing you could go on vacation or buy a car or do literally anything else with the $400 you have to spend each month to pay off your student loans for that prestigious degree. To that end, you’ll have to do what everyone does and simply try your best to anticipate which path is more likely to lead to the life you want.

But in the meantime, you can worry less about what everyone else thinks of your choices, and have more confidence in what feels right to you. And when your mom says she thinks you’re purposefully sabotaging your scholarship chances for the sake of your boyfriend, you can of course consider what she’s saying (though I wonder, can she point to a specific opportunity or opportunities that you’ve failed to pursue? Because if not, that’s really a pretty messed-up thing to accuse your kid of.) But if you’ve done her the courtesy of listening and think she’s being unfair, you can also say, “That’s hurtful, and untrue, and I hope you don’t mean it.”

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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