Auntie SparkNotes: Did He Really Stand Me Up?

Dear Auntie,

I have a big problem. I like boys. Specifically, one boy we shall refer to as the Cute Nerd (C.N). We met through a mutual friend, and after I suggested to a classmate I thought he was cute, he was invited to a party in a local bar to celebrate the 18th birthdays of me and my classmate (in Scotland we can legally drink from 18). The C.N changed his mind a few times about his availability, said he was working later on in the evening, but that he would try pop by early on. I was super nervous and my classmate (bless her cotton socks) tried her hardest, sending him what were really rather weird messages, telling him to “be in top form” etc. when he told her he had never been asked out like this.

An hour before everyone was set to meet he bailed, apologized, and said he would be free a couple of weeks later when his workload lessened.

Auntie, I was kinda upset that I felt I had been stood up by this guy when I thought he was cute, then I felt ridiculous for getting so upset. My friends rallied around me though like real troopers and we had an ace night.

Later I learned that, while he hadn’t come to my party, he had later been spotted out with other friends at a different bar. I don’t blame him, I’d rather be with my friends than on an awkward birthday-party-date: but my friends have all decided that since he ‘stood me up’ and went out with others that he wasn’t worth my time. EXCEPT, Auntie dearest, I can’t stop thinking about him. He was nice and funny, just quite shy, I probably would have done the same, made my excuses and left out of shyness. When I first met him I found out all sorts of endearing things about this C.N, like that he really, really likes Doctor Who, and Marvel superheroes, and video games and I overheard him telling a friend about how he helped out a vulnerable kid in his class.

Overall Auntie, I just want to know if he really did stand me up as bad as my friends say he did, and if I should try to chase up this “I’m free in a few weeks” malarkey?

Well, sure! I mean, taking him up on that offer would make lots of logical sense—unlike your friends’ characterization of events, which… doesn’t make any, actually. If the guy bailed, apologized, and suggested getting together at a later date, then he didn’t even stand you up so much as ask for a rain check.

And let’s just be honest: Under the circumstances, it’s not exactly hard to see why.

Which is why, if you do ask this guy out again, Auntie SparkNotes would strongly urge you to not make this endeavor a group effort. In fact, I’d avoid mentioning it to your friends at all, until such time as your relationship is on slightly firmer footing—like, say, after your first date.

Or, um, maybe your golden anniversary.

Because while I’m sure your friends meant well when they started piling on this guy, that was a lot of pressure for your average dude to live up to. Even a confident guy would have probably been freaked out by the prospect of meeting up with you under the circumstances, especially after getting those vaguely sinister texts from your friend. Imagine that you’re a shy, nervous person who’s been invited to a birthday party where you barely know the guest of honor; now imagine getting messages from an entirely other person, telling you not just to show up, but to “be on top form.” It’s kind of… terrifying, actually. (Although, pro tip: If anyone ever owes you money, that friend who sent the text messages is definitely the one you should dispatch to collect the debt.)

So, with that in mind, here’s an idea: Send the guy a message saying you’re sorry he wasn’t able to come out that night, and you’re sorry your friends made it weird, but that you’d love to meet up for coffee this week if he’s free.

And then—and this is important—just wait and see what he does.

If he’s interested, you can safely assume that he’ll jump at the chance to get to know you in a setting where there’s more personal interaction and a lot fewer prying eyes. And if he’s not, then you can safely assume he’ll jump at the chance to politely turn you down, knowing he’s not being watched/judged by a whole bunch of other people.

Which would be a bummer, obviously, but either way, it’s an improvement over your current state of confusion.

And if the worst comes to pass, i.e. if this cute guy you don’t particularly know doesn’t particularly want to get to know you, then hey, you’ve got an amazing group of friends who will be ready to comfort you with ice cream… and probably threaten to break his kneecaps. Which you should by no means take them up on, but still, it’s a nice thought.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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