Auntie SparkNotes: Do I Have to Go to a Homophobe’s Wedding?

Hi Auntie,

I’ll start by stating the obvious: I’m a lesbian. I’ve never been really ashamed of my orientation, and I’m fairly open about being gay as well as my stance on gay politics on Facebook. My cousin has been dating a preacher for about three years, and they are engaged and getting married in a few months. Recently, I made a post about the shooting at Pulse Nightclub, with a link to my city’s LGBT center offering mental health and grief counseling services. Within minutes, my cousin sent me an extremely homophobic private message, filled with slurs and allegations that I and all other gay people are going to hell. I blocked her and that’s been the end of that.

My family received an invitation to her wedding a few days ago. I was planning on attending at first, but now I’m not so sure if I want to. However, my parents are insisting that I go for my aunt’s sake. What do I do? Should I stand my ground and refuse to go but risk upsetting my family, or should I go and potentially open myself up to more homophobia from my cousin?

Well, let’s start here: Based on everything Auntie SparkNotes knows about a) weddings, and b) human nature, I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s doubtful-bordering-on-impossible that your cousin would interrupt her own nuptials—an event of which she is the de facto star, at which all eyes will be on her—just to hurl a bunch of homophobic hate at one of her guests. That is, unless there’s something extremely weird about your family dynamic that you haven’t mentioned here (i.e. all your events kick off with a ritual five-minute gay-bashing session in which participation is not just encouraged, but required.)

But all that means is that this isn’t really a question of what will happen if you go. It’s a question of celebrating the milestone and marriage of a person who just capitalized on the bloodiest mass shooting in American history to call you names and tell you you’re going to hell.

And do you have to do that? NOPE.

If you’re looking for my permission not to attend this wedding, then congrats, kiddo: You’ve got it. Sending your polite regrets is a perfectly legitimate way of dealing with this conflict; under the circumstances, it might even be what your cousin would prefer. And for the record, when a person is sending you unprovoked abuse to the point where you’ve had to block her on Facebook to escape it, you pretty much have a free pass to skip any/all events in her honor moving forward (not to mention the potential groundwork for a restraining order.)

Of course, if you choose not to go, I do think you should make it clear to your family—including your aunt—why you won’t be attending, with a particular emphasis on the part where this is your cousin’s beef, not yours. You don’t have to show them that message (although I think you might want to consider it), but you should at least say something like, “Cousin sent me a message out of the blue last month, and based on what it said, I think it’s safe to assume that she doesn’t want me at her wedding, and I don’t feel comfortable going. Frankly, I was surprised to be invited.”

But with that said, I will also say this: Having the free pass to skip this wedding doesn’t mean you have to use it. Despite your cousin’s atrocious behavior, I can think of at least a few reasons why you might want to attend anyway. There’s the part where it might potentially mean the world to a family member you do like. There’s the part where your interactions with Bridey the Bigot will probably be minimal, and you could have a great time dancing and eating cake, at her expense, with the non-bigots in attendance thereafter. And of course, there’s the part where you could show up in the world’s most lesbotastic outfit—I’m picturing you strutting around in a gorgeous tuxedo a la Janelle Monae, pompadour and all—present her with a framed printout of her hateful Facebook message as a wedding gift, and then moonwalk out of the room while casually calling over your shoulder, “Oh, and by the way, you look like a wildebeest in a dress! TOODLES, CUZ!”

…Well, okay. Maybe not that last part. I mean, you probably shouldn’t do that. The mature thing would be not to do that. And I would definitely not give you $20 to do that, with another $20 thrown in if you put it on Youtube.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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