Auntie SparkNotes: Does He Like Me as More Than a Friend?

Hi Auntie,

I have a boy problem. When I joined high school band, I was put into a small group with Oliver (that’s what we will call him). Over the months and after traveling to a couple competitions, I got to know him better. Turns out we have a lot in common.

So around January, he sends me an email asking if I have an interest in writing. I say yes, of course, and he replies, asking if I want to write a screenplay with him. We communicate via text, and we’ve talked about ideas. He also showed me his favorite music and lent me his favorite book.

He holds the door for me every single time and lets me enter room/building first. He also makes sure I’m okay at competitions when I mention I have headaches or stuff like that. I genuinely like him and want to get to know him better.

But before our last competition, he asked one of my friends to prom. So now I am unsure he really likes me for more than a friend. And I would be okay with that if I knew for sure. I can’t ask him because it would make things really awkward, and besides, I still want to make the movie with him because it sounds really fun. I just don’t want to ruin the possibility of a really great friendship.

At our last competition in January, he started ignoring me. He used to sit by me and talk to me, but he didn’t even look at me this time, save for the end when I had a headache (he offered to get me meds). Now I am confused about how he really feels about me. How do you know if a guy just wants to be friends or more than that? And how do you stop liking him if he doesn’t like you back?

I don’t blame you for being confused, Sparkler, because these are tricky questions. Particularly that first one, which boils down to the eternal, unsolvable problem of being unable to see inside another person’s head.

But until someone invents a special mind-reading ray that projects people’s innermost feelings onto the nearest wall in the form of a giant, scrolling marquee of consciousness (because that’s a smart idea from which no possible awkwardness could result, right?), the best way to discern a guy’s feelings is to look at his behavior and ask yourself what kind of message it sends.

Not that this always works, of course. Sometimes, it turns out that the message you’ve received is a garbled mess of nonsense. (“He told me he loved me and proposed marriage, but he also ruined my sister’s engagement and said my whole family was classless trash, so…?”) But in your case, sweet pea, your crush’s signals have been pretty consistent: he’s polite, kind, considerate, and keen to connect with you about your various shared interests. (Well, except for that most recent incident wherein he kinda sorta ignored you at your competition, but unless that behavior has continued, let’s just give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t quite himself that day. Maybe he had diarrhea.)

In short, you guys are definitely bros, and good ones at that. But when you factor in the part where he asked someone else to prom… well, yeah. Auntie SparkNotes, Weatherman of Love, would rate your relationship prospects as mostly friendly with a 0% chance of mad passionate romance. (With the caveat that, like all weathermen, I reserve the right to be completely and totally incorrect in my prediction and feel no shame about it whatsoever.)

Which is a bummer, obviously. But since it’s a bummer you say you can be okay with, then maybe this is a good time to… start being okay with it? After you take a few minutes to feel disappointed, of course. And when it comes to getting past your crush, accepting that he doesn’t return your feelings is a good start—because the absolute bare minimum requirement for any person worth your time is that they like you, the way you like them. The fact that this guy doesn’t like you back can (and should!) be a total turnoff. And if you let it, it can be the thing that propels you forward into a very nice platonic friendship with a cool dude who shares your interests.

Who knows? Maybe he even has a cute friend.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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