Auntie SparkNotes: Does He Really Just Want to Be Friends?

Dearest Auntie,

Alas, I have a problem that begins with the ever-so-famous line…. “So there’s this boy….” *cringe cringe* I know, but I am so lost I just need your help!!!

My best guy friend, let’s call him Timmy, and I have been besties since sixth grade. (We are now seniors in high school!) Everyone we know including our parents think we should get married. And in middle school, Timmy really liked me but nothing crazy happened because of how young we were! But in high school, we liked each other on and off, and in the off periods he had a some “flings” with a few girls, but nothing at all serious as none of these ladies were involved in relationships with him.

And this summer, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just needed to know if things would develop between us, especially because we hung out all the time and the way he was acting towards me left no doubt in mind that there was AMAZING potential. Well, I somehow mustered up the courage to talk to him. I told him I really value his friendship and don’t want to lose it, but recently developed feelings and wanted to know if they were returned. Long story short, Timmy said that while he thinks it has been amazing getting close he “does not think he sees us being anything more than close friends” and doesn’t want to lose our BFF status.

OK, fair enough, right? I was happy to know finally and to have the pressure lifted, so I pushed him back to the bestie box and tried to forget about it…. but here’s where it’s sticky. HE IS STILL ACTING LIKE WE ARE DATING. And no, I am not imagining this at all—I specifically asked my friends and even our coach to observe. He is giving me more signals than ever before – more than he gave me when I actually knew he liked me. I feel like now that I backed off a bit he is coming around or getting over another one of our “off periods” but of course I don’t want to get my hopes up yet again… So I guess my question is could it be possible for things to happen even if he said he wants to be friends?? Because trust me Auntie, with the way he is acting you’d think he confessed his love for me a long time ago… not that he said he wants to be best friends, and he is NOT a player….

HELP PLEASE?!

Well… damn.

I wish I had better news for you, Sparkler. Specifically, I wish I could tell you that your friend’s behavior is incontrovertible evidence that he does indeed love you, and that the two of you are just one conversation away from a long, happy relationship full of pizza dates and open-mouthed kissing.

But I can’t. Which is not to say a happy ending is impossible, of course; there’s still a chance, albeit a slim one, that this guy panicked in the face of his feelings and lied to you about not seeing you as more than a friend. But the unfortunate truth is this: 99.9% of the time, when a person says they don’t want to date you, they’re telling the truth. And if their behavior in the aftermath suggests otherwise, sadly, it’s almost always unintentional. He wouldn’t be the first guy to make an extra effort to be kind, caring, and solicitous to the friend who just confessed her feelings for him—and you wouldn’t be the first person in your position to feel like you were getting mixed signals as a result. One person’s attempt to soften the rejection can easily come across to the other as romantic encouragement; that’s why having an unrequited crush on a friend is arguably way worse than having one on someone who’s totally indifferent.

And in your case, this guy isn’t just a friend; he’s your best friend. You guys have a terrific, lasting, intimate connection going back six years. It’s why dating him seemed like such a great idea to you in the first place; it’s also probably why your friends and families like to joke about you two spending your lives together. But in light of all your history, the “signals” he’s sending you aren’t necessarily evidence on their own that he’s into you romantically. The only thing his behavior tells you for sure is that he cares about you—in the same way he’s always cared about you.

All of which is to say, I can’t in good faith encourage you to get your hopes up for a romantic relationship. I’m sorry. And it’s not because I want to crush your dreams; it’s because I want you to come through this situation with your sanity and dignity intact. When somebody has told you in plain language that he doesn’t see himself ever dating you, the best thing to do is believe him.

And if he ever changes his mind, then hey, he certainly knows where to find you. But you can’t hold out for that, sweet pea. It’ll tear you apart from the inside out. For you, the next step is to take the rejection at face value and assume that friends is all you’ll ever be. And if Timmy is making that hard for you by being too sweet or solicitous or touchy-feely, then the best thing to do is kindly ask him to knock it off. The one thing you have going for you here is that this guy cares deeply for you—and while his feelings may not be what you wish they were, he still doesn’t want to cause you pain. So if you need a little less flirtatious behavior, or a little more distance while you pick up and move on, say so. And if you need a bright side to focus on amid this very disappointing outcome, here it is: Despite not returning your romantic feelings, and all the awkwardness that entails, you and this guy are still BFFs. Which means that while you may never end up dating him, you’ve got the kind of friendship that’ll last forever—and that’s nothing to sniff at.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.