Auntie SparkNotes: He Likes Me but the Timing Is Wrong

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

I’m a straight 19-year-old girl, and there’s this guy. I’ve liked him since the beginning of the year, and about a month ago he said he was interested in me. He also said he’s in love with my personality and kissed me, a lot. A day after he kissed me, he said he didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be a couple. I was devastated but I kept pushing through.

Through the next month we became closer than we’ve ever been, and became really good friends. As time went on it was getting increasingly difficult to keep up appearances that I was okay. And on top of everything, we’re in a show choir together so I see him almost every day.

Today I called him to clear the air a bit. He ended up telling me (more clearly than before) his reason for not wanting to date me. It wasn’t at all because he didn’t like me. He said he wants to be able to be completely stable in the other parts of his life, aka school and work, before he tries to get into a relationship because he wants to be able to put 100% in that relationship. He’s almost 21 and said something about having his next girlfriend be the one he marries. That’s why he wants to focus so much on it.

I understand all of that, but it doesn’t make my situation easier. All of this boils down to bad timing. So what do I do? Do I wait and see how I feel (’cause currently I’m basically in freaking love with the guy)? Or do I try to get over him and move on? I really don’t want to do the latter, but if I have to, then how do I go about it? He’s one of my best friends and I honestly can’t lose him completely.

I’ll give you this, Sparkler: I’m sure it feels that way.

Because of course, it always feels that way, to every person who finds themselves in the awful position of being in love with a best friend who doesn’t feel the same about them. It’s positively torturous: seeing that person day in and day out, pining for them, analyzing every interaction to death for a sign that you could be together someday. And yet, that torture seems like a walk in the park compared to the hard, bleak finality of giving up and closing the door and moving on from your feelings. It’s why, pretty much every time we get a letter like this from someone who’s in love with a friend, they always say just what you’ve said: That whatever the answer is, it simply cannot be to take a step back from the relationship.

It just goes to show what a powerful thing hope is. But a powerful thing is not always the same as a good thing, you know? And in this case, the fact that you’ve called no stepsies, no backsies, doesn’t change the fact that you need a little time and space away from this crush. Not completely—you can still say hello and engage in casual chit-chat when you run into each other—and also not forever; there will come a time, if you do this right, when you can resume a rewarding, happy, healthy friendship, where neither one of you feels like you’re settling for something second-best. But that only happens after you’ve managed to accept that this relationship isn’t happening, and you won’t make it happen by putting your life on hold to wait around for it.

And I know, I know: When someone couches a rejection as being about timing rather than feelings—i.e., when someone does what this guy did—it is truly hard to do that. It’s so, sooooo tempting to grab hold of that glimmer of hope and run like hell with it, to see the situation only in terms of its potential, if only this and that piece would just fall into place. It’s easy to pin all your hope on the notion that you and your beloved will totally be together when the timing is right.

Unfortunately, the way these things usually work out is as follows: You wait, and you hope, and you pine, until you discover that this was never really about timing at all, because the guy you’ve been waiting for all this time is across the room, in a corner, making out with his new girlfriend… who is, alas, not you.

What it’s actually about, and what it really boils down to, is this: This guy was presented with the chance to be in a relationship with you. He chose not to take it. And if he did want to be with you, sweet pea, that wouldn’t have happened. He would want you in his life, as much and as soon as possible, and he wouldn’t care that he didn’t have all his ducks in a row at school or work or anywhere else. A person who loves you will not choose some arbitrary timeline of responsible adulthood over the chance to be close to you. A person who loves you looks for ways to be with you, not for reasons why he shouldn’t.

Which is the answer to your other question, when you ask how to go about getting over him: You allow yourself to see his “I need to focus on work and school” excuse for the ridiculous canard that it is. You can think he’s a great guy, and still shake your head at the way he fed you that particular slice of face-saving baloney after multiple hours of kissing and compliments. He liked you enough to make out with you, but not enough to make you his girlfriend. Let that make you a little bit angry, just enough to give you the push you need to draw back for the sake of your own happiness.

Let yourself believe that you’re worth the month or so it takes to get over someone who didn’t return your feelings. Tell yourself that you want more than a man who sees you as an inconvenience to the life he wants to build, rather than a partner to build it with. You certainly deserve more than that. And tell him that you value his friendship, but you need some time to stop feeling more-than-friendly before you can be close again. If he cares about you as much as he claims to, he’ll understand.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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