Auntie SparkNotes: He Pretended to Like Me and Broke My Heart

Hey there Auntie!
So… I’ve liked this guy we will call Ryan for a few years. My junior year of high school, we actually became really good friends. That’s when I started having my suspicions that maybe he was gay.

He lived by the gay stereotype, but he also had this huge secret he would not tell me about. All he would say was that it kept him up at night and he hated his life because of it. Because I was starting to really like him, I wanted to find out if he was gay so that I could stop liking him that way and be supportive of him.

So I asked him one day. And he seemed absolutely horrified that my brain would even come up with such a thought. I told him I would still be his friend if he was and that it was okay to be that way but he was mortified and immediately changed the subject. Since he seemed so against the idea, I concluded that he was absolutely straight and went on my merry way as my crush on him only got stronger.

Eventually he asked me to prom. Of course I said yes, and it was the most fun I’ve ever had in one night. Then a week into our senior year, he was hanging out with me and told me he really liked this girl, and he was so depressed because he couldn’t ask her out and he wanted to so bad. I just sat and listened even though I was burning with jealousy on the inside. Then he said that girl was me!

So for a month or so we were unofficially dating, and Ryan opened up and told me he had been sexually abused by his brother when he was younger and he actually said “I’m worried people might think I’m gay because I might act that way, and I think it’s because my brother sexually abused me.” I told him it might be good for him to see a therapist for all the pain and trauma he was going through but he wasn’t fond of the idea. Meanwhile, he joined XC for me, we held hands, and he actually recognized and thanked me during his senior night in front of all of our friends and family.

But after that day, he started being really distant. I was having some family problems, so I didn’t really have the time or energy to find out the deep dirt on the situation, but on Halloween I found out from one of his best friends that he was gay. I was actually reading texts where he was openly talking about a boyfriend he had had for months and this whole other life I had been completely unaware of.

I was shocked and confused but everything about him started making sense. I took a deep breath, and began the long process of getting over somebody.

But that’s easier said than done, right?

I confronted him about it, of course, and he went so far as to say he had never even told me he liked me. Of course I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to die in a pit of fire. But I went home and after I had cooled down, I texted him telling him how what he did had hurt me, that I knew he was gay, that I was alright with that, and that I wanted to be friends. I really didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but he is in my circle of friends and I wanted to avoid as many awkward situations as possible. After that, we didn’t speak to each other for a month. I stood firm, and I didn’t speak to him or even crack a smile at one of his goofy jokes that made me fall for him in the first place. But over Thanksgiving break he actually reached out to me and texted me. The conversation didn’t last long, but I took it as a sign that maybe he missed me too. Now we are friends again, not close ones, but we’re on speaking terms at least.

My only problem is that I’m still in pain. I still fantasize about him. I still want him. And I can’t want him and I can’t be with him and I know he didn’t ever really like me, and that just makes everything worse. I just don’t understand how he could ever do this to me. How could he lie to me so brutally when he knew how much I cared about him? He has no problem telling other girls he has no interest in them, so why couldn’t he tell me? I’m at a loss for answers and I seriously don’t think I can bear talking to him about this subject ever again. I just don’t understand the entire situation because it felt so real, and suddenly it was all a lie. What should I do? Does he even care about my friendship?

Well, sure he does, Sparkler! I mean, think how much time, energy, and intellectual labor it took to create the all-encompassing mega-lie this guy constructed to reel you in. You don’t undertake a project like that unless you’re getting something important out of the deal, something you care about.

Of course, you also don’t undertake a project like that unless you’re an actual psychopath.

Which I wish I were joking about, sweetheart, but I’m not.

You ask how this guy could be so casually and brutally deceitful; the answer, most likely, is that he didn’t (and doesn’t) see any good reason not to. And I know that’s hard to fathom. Most people wouldn’t dream of doing something so cruel. But imagine for a moment that you’re not most people. Imagine that you genuinely don’t care about anyone, except yourself, and that you’ve just been presented with the opportunity to be more-or-less worshipped by a fun, cool, sweet, supportive girl who thinks you’re just fantastic. It’ll be fun; it’ll be easy; it’ll make you feel terrific. And all you have to do to make it happen is shamelessly use someone whose feelings don’t matter to you at all.

You can probably see how, to a person motivated entirely by self-interest and unconstrained by the usual laws of decency, doing this dishonest, self-serving thing would be a total no-brainer.

And to be clear, I don’t know whether he has a diagnosable, clinical personality disorder or if he’s just an unusually callous person in the midst of a Giant Asshat Episode. But whatever his condition, it’s a distinction without a difference. The effect on you is the same regardless — as is your next step, which is to take whatever useful information there is to be gained from this experience, and move on.

In this case, that means getting your head around a really, really unpleasant truth: That gifted, remorseless liars exist, and there’s very little you can do if one decides to take advantage of you.

Look back at your relationship with him: have you noticed that you were actually right about him at the outset, based on instinct alone? You had a good read on this situation to begin with — before he manipulated it by preying on your empathy, your honesty, your trust, and your genuine concern for his well-being. All the best things about you, all the things that make you a caring person and a good friend: those are the things he used to perpetuate the huge, hurtful farce that broke your heart.

There’s an important takeaway here, darling, and it’s not that you were wrong to have some basic faith in the non-monstrous nature of your friend and crush. This is not your fault. This guy is just a human landmine that you had the extraordinary bad luck to step on.

Which is what I hope you’ll remember, the next time you feel the urge to pick this situation apart and try to make sense of it. All the “why” and “how” boils down to one single point: This happened because your friend wanted it to. Because he liked the result, because he enjoyed the attention, because it made him feel desired and important.

I also hope you’ll remember how quickly he turned distant and cold once the high of being adored by you wore off — and that he’s not only never apologized, but that when you caught and confronted him, he doubled down and lied to you about having lied in the first place.

And again, that’s not your fault. You’re not to blame for this guy’s bad behavior, or for being taken in by his expert ability to charm and manipulate. But you are responsible for what comes next — and this is the part where you say enough, and stop pining away for him like he’s not a total trashbag. I mean, not only did he lie to you, but he erased the existence of his longterm boyfriend and he told that appalling story about his brother sexually abusing him (which I suppose could be true, but seems doubtful under the circumstances.) You know what kind of person he is. And your instincts are on target: The less you have to do with this guy, the better.

Trust yourself on that. You’ll be better and happier for it. And while it’s unlikely that you’ll ever fall in with someone of his ilk again (because people like this gratefully make up a very, very small percentage of the population), you’re also much more likely to recognize his particular breed of glib, performative, superficial charm for the icky act that it is if you do happen to run into another near-sociopath.

And as useful skills go, that one is definitely worth weathering a broken heart for.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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