Auntie SparkNotes: How Can I Find Some Balance?

Dear Auntie,

I use to be obese, and this academic year has been the first one where I am now on the path to being healthy. My grades from first marking period were poor in major part due to the depression and self-confidence I lacked due to my weight, and my poor attempts at fad dieting. It led to me being tired and emotional, and I also lost the passion I usually had for school. After learning about how exercise can help cognitive ability and how processed foods and sugar slows you down physically and mentally, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I have gone/ am currently going through a major lifestyle change. I am now a vegetarian (ethical and health reasons, not dieting), and work out 3-4 times a week at the gym, and do other activities on rest days, like walking or playing Frisbee. While this lifestyle change has been rewarding, I am currently maxed out with stress. It is really difficult keeping up with my school work, work out schedule, and clubs.

To give you a gist of my overall schedule, I take one AP, two honors and three standard courses. I am part of two major academic clubs at school, both where I have leadership positions and have to attend competitions frequently. One requires a lot of commitment, where I often have to work on the weekends and do volunteer projects for. And, as stated before, I work out 3-4 times a week. I try to hangout with my friends every Friday night, but that’s inconsistent due to all these factors.

I’m a bit overwhelmed.

While my performance went up overall, my anxiety has only grown, and I am constantly worried about school and my weight loss (which is still ongoing). The stress of standardized testing and the looming shadow of colleges only add to that load. A month ago, I had a major breakdown after a big study session, when it was already two in the morning and my father came in to tell me to go to sleep and I just started crying. And just didn’t stop. My dad comforted me but, I still felt like there was a gaping hole inside me.

Another problem I have is that even though I have made progress with overcoming my procrastination, it is so hard for me to focus after working out. I just feel so spent from the day I dilly-dally and browse through websites, or day dream.

I want to take a chill pill from all of this. I truly just want to hangout with my friends, watch some history documentaries, and eat two slices of pizza without feeling like a tub of lard. And every time I’m about to, I see my grades and how much they’ve improved, or once in a blue moon I’ll look at the mirror and actually see my weight loss. Then the cycle starts over again, and I just have to reach my full potential and be the best version of myself physically and academically.

What’s the best way to manage my stress and anxiety? Do you have any advice with balancing academic, physical, and mental health?

Of course I do, Sparkler!

But before we get to that part, we must first tackle this part: the part where we all put on our party hats, turn on the confetti cannons, and spend at least a couple minutes being OMG SO PROUD OF YOU.

[Insert sixty-second break here for applause, shouting, and elaborate celebratory dance-offs.]

Because wow, dude. WOW. Do you have any idea what an incredible thing you’ve done? Reaching a particular weight, scoring a particular GPA — these things are totally secondary to what you’ve already achieved. That cycle you described, where you see the progress you’ve made and it motivates you to recommit? That’s called a positive feedback loop, and it means you’ve changed your life in a way that will sustain and support you long after you’ve reached your initial goals. That’s a big deal, and you should be damn proud of yourself.

But after you finish being damn proud of yourself, you need to also be realistic about the scope of what you’re hoping to accomplish—and realize that becoming your best self is about the journey, not the destination. A lifestyle change only lasts as long as you keep living with it.

Which can be intimidating and deeply discouraging, I know. It would be so much easier if there were a finish line to cross, a point where you check the “potential achieved” box on your bucket list and spend the rest of your days being effortlessly great at everything without having to try. Instead, you’re right: It’s a cycle. Reaching your full potential isn’t something you accomplish just once; you have to strive for it every day, to the best of your ability, and then wake up the next day to do all over again.

But that’s also the great thing about it: When you give yourself over to the fact that living your best life is something you have to do every day, you’re also giving yourself the freedom to spend a certain percentage of those days in your pajamas, eating pizza, watching history documentaries. Not just because you want that, but because you need that. You’ve created that great positive feedback loop of seeing the payoff from your hard work, but you won’t be able to put in the hard work if you’re starved for mental and physical rest. Knowing when to take a break is as much a part of a healthy lifestyle as your workouts, study sessions, and nutritious meals.

As such, it requires the same sort of mindful effort as other areas of your life. Which leads to the first bit of advice: To consciously make room for some unstructured leisure time just like you do for your clubs, classes, and gym routine, and to think of it as fulfilling, rather than shirking, a commitment. In fact, if you just change the way you think about your down time, you might even find that you don’t need that much more of it. For instance: you struggle to be productive or focused after a workout? Then maybe that’s an ideal time to be intentionally unfocused, on purpose. Make that hour of web-surfing and daydreaming something to look forward to instead of something to feel guilty about. Take advantage of it. Luxuriate in it. Giving yourself regularly scheduled breaks, even if they’re small ones, is how you avoid getting to the point of mental/physical/spiritual depletion that causes you to morph into the Human Abyss of Hopeless Exhaustion in the wee hours of the morning. (And if you can’t give yourself a break mentally even when you’re taking one physically, then that’s a good sign that you need to schedule a visit with your doctor to be screened for anxiety.)

That’s part one. Part two is this: When life hands you a plate so full that the breaks come few and far between—because you’re applying to college, or working on a huge project, or trying to survive through the zombie apocalypse—then allow yourself to give less where possible so you can give more where necessary. Maybe you only make it to the gym one or twice during finals week; maybe you skip a study session for a subject you know pretty well in order to get a full eight hours of sleep before a challenging exam; maybe you meet your friends an hour later on Friday night so you can fit in a much-needed workout.

Knowing how to prioritize is key to finding some balance. It’ll serve you when things are going well and you have loads of energy to be divided amongst your various commitments; it’ll also serve you when something tragic happens and your to-do list consists of taking a shower and remembering to eat something (shower possibly optional.) If you’re lucky, you’ll spend most of your days feeling capable and energized and like you’re juggling it all beautifully. But there will still be some times, hopefully rare, when life punches you in the throat, and kicks you while you’re down, and you’ll be too depleted and overwhelmed to do anything but get by.

It’s to be expected. It’s also okay.

Just remember: Doing your best is a day-by-day thing, but becoming better is a process—and it’s a long one, which means that sometimes your best will be barely above average, and that’s fine. You don’t have to be perfect all day every day to achieve your goals, sweet pea. Being pretty good a decent majority of the time will get you where you want to go just as well, and without the risk of burning out along the way. As long as you move forward more than you move backward, you’ll continue to make progress. And if you ever find yourself doubting that, then that’s the best time to pause, breathe, and look back to be amazed at how far you’ve come already.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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