Auntie SparkNotes: How Can I Get People to Accept My Older Boyfriend?

Dear Auntie,

I’ve recently started a new relationship with a guy (whoopie!). I say “guy” rather than “boy” because the truth is he’s 33, and I’m 19. Now I realize that 14 years is quite a big age gap, but it’s really not an issue for us. I’m aware that relationships with age differences are often breeding grounds for unequal power dynamics and even abuse, but it’s honestly the happiest and safest I’ve ever felt. He’s never condescending, shares a lot of my interests and the HND is amazing because he really listens to what I do and don’t want and puts a lot of emphasis on me enjoying it. It’s not like the age gap is a taboo subject (we joke about it quite often) but it just really doesn’t matter – to us, at least.

The problem is how to tell other people about us. It’s common knowledge amongst my friends/co-workers that I’m in a relationship, but I’ve only told my closest friends how old he is and their reaction was… less than warm. It basically amounted to “as long as you’re happy,” which is thinly veiled code for “we think it’s terrible but we promised not to judge you.” And if my close friends react like that, I can’t help but be put off mentioning it to anyone else.

My real fear is how to introduce him to my parents. We’re definitely not at that point yet (we’ve been together for a couple of months now), but I can see myself being with this guy for a long time and I want them to accept him. He is actually also my first relationship, so I have no idea of even how just to tell them I’m seeing someone, let alone someone 14 years older. He’s one of the most genuine and caring people I’ve ever met, but I’m terrified they’re going to see him as some kind of predator just because of the age gap.

I know that our relationship is healthy and makes me incredibly happy, but how do I prove that to people? And how on earth do I explain this one to my parents? Please help!

I hate to say this, Sparkler—almost as much as you’re probably gonna hate hearing it—but it is nevertheless true: If your relationship is really happy and healthy, you shouldn’t be asking these questions in the first place.

Because good relationships don’t need you to tie yourself into knots trying to justify them. They are their own proof that everything is A-okay. So if this guy is right for you despite the age gap, that’ll also be clear enough to those who see how you are together, no explanation needed.

And that’s a truth that cuts both ways, darling. A healthy relationship speaks for itself, so when you instead set out to speak for it, and to prove to everyone that your relationship is on the up-and-up, people will assume that something must be super wrong and weird about it. Otherwise, why would you protest so much?

Which is why you should stop doing that, first and foremost. It’s not helping you when, for example, you preface the truth about your boyfriend’s age by making your friends promise not to judge you; all you accomplish is to make them think that there’s a reason why they should. And based on your letter, they haven’t ever actually met this guy, no? So when they give you the side-eye about your relationship, it’s not your relationship itself they’re reacting to. All they know about it is what you’ve told them—and what you’ve told them, without meaning to, is that you’re so insecure about the boyf’s acceptability that you have to make apologies for him before he ever even enters the room.

So if you want people to be cool with your age difference, the best thing you can do is lead by example, and be cool about it first. In fact, I’m not sure I’d even mention it unless someone asks (which they mostly won’t, unless your guy has visible gray hair and/or shows up to parties wearing the “Class of Y2K” t-shirt he got at his high-school graduation.) If the age gap isn’t an issue for you as a couple, why make it into one for everyone else—and before they’ve had a chance to get to know him, and see how good you are together? If you want him to make a good first impression, particularly on your parents, the specifics of your age gap are something you save for later.

But on that note, so is the part where you introduce him to them. No matter how genuine and caring and lovely he is, your relationship is two months old, which makes it awfully premature to be fretting about his relationship with your family. And while it’s certainly possible for a 33-year-old and a 19-year-old to have a loving, respectful, and entirely genuine romantic connection, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there were things in your letter that made me go hmmmm on that front. It takes a certain amount of maturity to negotiate an age gap like that—including the maturity to be confident in your choices and not to fret over what Mom and Dad will think. And even if your relationship doesn’t suffer from an uneven or abusive power dynamic, there’s still something to be said for the fact that your BF chose to date someone who is not only much younger, but who has no relationship experience at all for comparison. Have you thought about that? Because you should, and not just because being in a relationship like this requires that you examine it from all angles, including the not-so-flattering ones, to see if there’s anything worrisome in there. Being brave enough to confront uncomfortable questions is how you’ll find the confidence to trust your own conclusions—and to stop worrying endlessly about making sure that other people reach the same ones. Best of luck.

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