Auntie SparkNotes: How Do I Help My Friend Realize She’s Gay?

Hi Auntie!

I have a girl problem! In the past year I’ve discovered my personal identity and am very proud to say that I am a lesbian! I’ve recently fallen in love with my best friend (how original, I know, but it gets worse). Let’s call her “C.” So C and I have been friends for almost a year, after I moved to a new school. She was so welcoming to me! She’s smart and funny and a geek like me. She likes video games and books, music, and the same YouTubers as me. She’s funny and smart and ADORABLE and SUPER CUTE in that geeky sort of way.

The only problem is that C is straight.

Or at least she thinks she is.

Now, I know this is a stereotype, but I pride myself on having a really good gaydar. And she is straight as a circle. She SO DEFINITELY GAY that there’s not the slightest chance of a snowball in Hell that I’m wrong. And this is truly where my problem starts, because I’ve tried approaching her about it. One day I asked her what her sexuality was. She got slightly defensive, saying that she was totally straight (in a nervous, unsure way). She later came to me, saying that she wasn’t so sure of her sexuality anymore. She’s become more distant lately, not just from me, but from everyone.

If we ignore the problem of my crush and think solely about her, I’d like to know: How can I help her? I know she’s gay and I’d like to have a chance with her, but what should I do? Should I sit by and wait for her to discover who she is by herself and possibly be ready to come out on her own? Or should I, knowing how hard this is, do my best to help her discover who she is? If the answer is the latter, then can you give me some advice on how to help my friend be happy with who she is?

For starters, Sparkler, you could acknowledge that your friend is the foremost authority on that particular subject, and stop looking for reasons to undermine her right to self-determination just because you wish she’d determine that she isn’t straight.

Because geez, dude. I know you don’t mean to be manipulative, disrespectful, and boundary-challenged, but you are treading on some seriously dicey ground, here. And to help you understand why, I’d like you to do me a favor:
I’d like you to imagine how you’d feel if you saw something like this written by a heterosexual dude about his gay female friend.

Would you be sympathetic if this hypothetical guy described his lesbian pal as “gay as a funeral”? Would you consider it okay for him to question her orientation and then use her “slightly defensive” response as evidence that she’s obviously into men? Would you agree with him when he said he knew she was straight, and ignore the part where he desperately wants that to be the case because it would give him a shot at dating her? And would you support him in his quest to “help” a gay kid “discover who she is”—in the form of steamrolling her self-described identity and smugly claiming to know more about her sexuality than she does?

Yeah, no. Of course you wouldn’t.

In fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that not only would you be extremely unsupportive of this hypothetical guy’s quest to drag his lady friend back into the land of heteronormativity, you would think it was straight-up hideous. And that’s because unsolicitedly trying to convince a friend that her sexual orientation is something other than she says it is—even if you really, truly believe that she’s confused or closeted—is a totally awful thing to do.

Which is why you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and stop. I know you mean well, and that you are genuinely in love and aching for your friend to be something other than straight so that you might have a chance with her, but this just isn’t okay. For one thing, the fact that you have feelings for this girl makes you pretty much the last person on earth who can or should act the part of an unbiased guide helping her to determine her romantic/sexual path. But even if that weren’t the case, there’s also the part where she’s distanced herself from you lately, which suggests that your pointed questions about her orientation have not been well-received. If you want to keep her in your life at all, this is the time to read the signs and drop this topic like it’s hot.

Meanwhile, if your friend ends up being gay, she will come out the same way you did: On her own schedule, when she’s comfortable. You cannot nudge another person out of the closet before she’s ready (as you surely realize, having gone through the process yourself.) And for what it’s worth, if your friend does come to question her sexuality, there is a good chance that she’ll choose you as her confidant (and maybe even her girlfriend)—but only if you’ve shown that you’re worthy of her trust, respectful of her autonomy, and supportive of her right to have the last word on who she is.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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