Auntie SparkNotes: I Accidentally Saw an Upsetting Message

Dear Auntie,

I have a boy problem but I am completely lost on what to do or where to go. There is a boy, we’ll call “M,” who I met in university. We quickly became friends, and since then it has evolved into intimacy. It started with us ending up kissing and cuddling when we were drunk and falling asleep in the same bed. Then I had him staying with me for his placements which involved us sharing a bed several times a week. This was when the intimacy evolved even further. Now we’re at a stage where it involves oral or HND. With this we’re really good friends as well. I would have said we were somewhere between friends with benefits and relationship on the whole spectrum of labels, and he once called us a casual relationship so we’re on the same page there.

The problem lies is that when he went to work for a couple of hours I was kicking around his flat and had his laptop to use. When signing out of his Facebook to log in to mine I accidentally came across some messages on the screen from one of his friends. His friend had asked if he “had a girl on the go” to which M had replied with “I wish. Too poor/shy/awkward.” Now, I would have thought with the level of our intimacy that I would have been worth a mention, but I guess not.

But I don’t know what to do. If brave enough I would maybe ask him but I was never meant to come across those messages and I feel if I did bring it up he’d think I’d snooped through them when the messages in question are the only ones I saw.

I honestly feel at a loss of what to do. I’m hurt and confused. I have feelings for him but feel if I told him it would end up in rejection and me also losing a friend. But right now I feel like I mean nothing to him anyway. Please help me.

Well, okay. Let’s start here, Sparkler, with a little thought experiment. Put on your Imagination Hat, and picture, if you will, the world’s most indiscreet, oafish, obnoxious human being.

You probably know one of these people, and even if you don’t, you know the type. It’s the guy who always calls you by an embarrassing nickname in public even though you’ve repeatedly asked him not to; the guy who thinks it’s funny to Sharpie a wiener on your face when you’re sleeping, take a pic, and post it on Instagram; the guy who introduces you at parties by telling the story of the time you got diarrhea at prom and had to ask the limo driver to stop at CVS so you could buy a fresh pair of underpants.

You know. THAT GUY.

And now, I want you to imagine that THAT GUY was the person on the other end of that Facebook exchange, the one asking your casual sort-of-boyfriend if he was involved with anyone. And furthermore, I want you to imagine that your casual sort-of-boyfriend, knowing full well exactly what a bad idea it is to trust THAT GUY with any even remotely sensitive information about his love life, made an entirely reasonable decision to dodge the question with a self-deprecating lie.

To be clear, this is all speculation; I have no idea what actually happened, or even if your guy has THAT GUY as a friend. (We might hope not, for his sake.) But do you see what I’m getting at, sweet pea? Right off the top of my head, Auntie SparkNotes could think of at least one obvious and compelling reason why this dude might choose not to mention your relationship, a reason that has absolutely nothing to do with how much you mean to him. If you give me five minutes, I bet I could come up with half a dozen more. And that’s before we even get to the part where his not-mentioning you is at least open to interpretation, whereas some of the alternatives are… well, not so much. Imagine if, rather than demurring, he did tell his friend you existed—and then told him that he was just sleeping with you to pass the time while he looked for somebody hotter.

But having concluded our thought experiment (which I sincerely hope made you feel better), here’s the thing: You’ve still got to talk to him about where you guys stand, and you have to do it precisely because you’re so afraid to find out. The way you feel is a wake-up call that this relationship, however it may have started, is no longer casual for you. And when you care this much about someone, you can’t just hang back and keep yourself in the dark about whether your feelings are requited, while you keep getting more and more vulnerable, falling more and more in love. The pain of losing your friend because you were brave enough to be honest is nothing compared to the agony of endlessly pining and fearing the worst.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. And while you don’t have to tell him that you saw that Facebook message, I hope you will. Because a person who cares for you, who trusts you, will a) understand that you stumbled upon that information innocently, and b) appreciate the opportunity to explain himself. If this guy is that person, he deserves your honesty. And if he’s not that person, then you deserve to know.

Plus, who knows? He might be falling for you, too! In which case you should really stop wasting your time so you can get to the part where you profess your mutual affection and ride away into the sunset and eat cheeseburgers and kiss and stuff. Be brave. You can do this. Think of the cheeseburgers!

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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