blog banner romeo juliet
blog banner romeo juliet

Auntie SparkNotes: I Am Still One Percent Interested in My Ex

Dear Auntie,

I am literally so fricking confuzzled right now. Well I mean, at this point in life, everything is running a bit smoother now, buuuutttttttt I still need some help. Basically, last year I had this huge crush on this guy. Let’s call this guy “Giraffe.” I had the biggest crush ever on this guy named Giraffe. He was nice, funny, cute, and very caring. Giraffe and I were actually friends, and to this day we still are. The problem was that Giraffe liked this other girl, let’s call her B. He was very happy with her and at some point I just accepted that and did my best to try to get over him.

Then I ended up hanging out with this other guy, who we shall name “N.” N had just gotten out of a really long relationship and I was basically there to cheer him up and to talk to him. Then out of nowhere, N and I decide to hook up. You see, at first I honestly had no feelings whatsoever for him, but soon the hook up got kind of serious. While this was happening, it turned out that B and Giraffe had broken up. There was a time when I was leaving class constantly to go see N, so this one day Giraffe asks why I’m always leaving. I told him that I had to talk to someone about this random guy. After a while, Giraffe and I grew closer and closer, while at the same time, N and I were still hooking up. By the end of the year, Giraffe and I have strong feelings for each other, but so do N and I. I was stuck in the most horrible love triangle ever.

In the end, they made me choose between them. I chose Giraffe. The reason why was that I have always had feelings for him and I had it bad for the guy. But when summer came along, this giant gap between Giraffe and I just started to separate us. We talked less. When I needed someone to turn to for help, he was always busy. N and I were still friends. We talked normally and I could always turn to him in case of anything. He was always there for me. N and I went out after a while. Just to hang out. I thought that I had gotten over him. I had nothing to fear. But as N and I were hanging out, I had realized why I had developed feelings for him in the first place. He was that person that I could always turn to. I knew that if I had a problem, he would find a way to get me out of it. At that moment I realized that I had made the wrong choice. After that, I obviously told Giraffe about it. I told him that I cared for him, but that I just had stronger feelings for N. I don’t know why (well I mean I know why, but at the time I didn’t), but he literally turned into the meanest guy ever. He told me that he was done with my games and that he was done with me and then proceeded to tell me that he never wanted to speak with me. He apologized a week later, but it really hurt and I guess I kind of deserved it.

Now, N and I are in a really nice relationship. I’m very happy, but I’m not entirely certain if I’m 100% over Giraffe. There’s that 0.1% of my heart that still cares about him. It might not be like before to the point where he was my everything, but it’s like there are times when I look back and say, “Hey look how happy and cute we were back then, heehee.” I am very happy and I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I just want to know how to get over this other guy.

Yeeeeeah. I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there; frankly, it sounds like you’ve spent enough time navel-gazing about the minutae of your needs and your feelings to last you for the rest of 2016, if not the rest of the decade. Instead, I’d like to gently suggest that you take a minute to think about the hearts of the two guys you’ve been jerking around for the better part of a year, and to ask yourself in particular whether they’d share your rate of 99.9% satisfaction with the situation at hand.

And then, I’d like to gently suggest that you realize the likely answer, sit on your hands, and count your freaking blessings already. You were already pushing your luck when you escaped this scenario with both relationships intact and only a teensy ding to your feelings, but it defies belief that you actually pulled off that post-love-triangle switcheroo to exchange the guy you picked for the guy you realized you preferred. The fact that either of these people even still talk to you is a miracle, my friend — and the idea that you’re in crisis because you still have a few fond memories of your ex is an epic bunch of baloney. The fact that you have lingering feelings for your old boyfriend is not an issue; it’s the way you’re aching to make it into one that’s the problem. You’re the one leaving the doors to your old relationships open; you’re the one peering wistfully through and sighing, “Oh, but what if?” at all the pretty memories until you’re good and conflicted; and you’re the one who chooses where your focus goes in these moments — which, so far, has always resulted in you looking for excuses to redirect your attention and affection toward The Other Guy.

That’s the bad news. The good news is, you’re the one who can stop doing these things and start committing to the choice you’ve chosen.

Here’s what that’ll look like for you: First, accept that your relationship with the other guy is well and truly over. Your fond memories of him are just that: memories, of a relationship that had its nice moments but ultimately didn’t work. And when one of those memories pops up, by all means, let it rise to the surface — but then, let it evaporate the way old memories do. Don’t cultivate it; don’t dwell on it; and especially don’t use it as an entree into parsing your feelings for evidence of less-than-total-satisfaction until you’ve convinced yourself that you actually would’ve been better off with him in the first place. You say that your current relationship is healthy and happy, which means that whatever romantic energy bubbles up alongside memories of your ex, you can and should take it and focus it back where it belongs: on the person you’re with.

Oh, and one last thing: All evidence in your letter points to this being a pattern for you. You’re going to want to recognize that, and maybe spend some time asking yourself where it comes from. Is it the attention, the thrill of feeling wanted? Or do you struggle to feel secure enough in one relationship to close the door on your other options? Or something else? You clearly spend a lot of time thinking about how you feel; now is the time to dig deeper, and ask yourself why you feel it. Because if you can finish out 2016 with some genuine, honest introspection, then 2017 might be a very good year for you, indeed.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.