Auntie SparkNotes: I Can’t Forgive Myself for Cheating

Hi Auntie,

I’m a freshman in college. I have made a grievous mistake that I am struggling to move past, not only because of the impact this has on my grades, but more importantly, the hit that my own integrity has taken. I cheated on my Statistics midterm. I wrote down formulas on my hand before the test, and while I studied the whole day using the formulas written on my hand, I forgot to wash it off before the test. I succumbed to looking at my hand during the test, and my teacher caught me. I have received a 0 on that midterm, and a report has been made to my college’s academic dean.

Since it is a first (and only) offense, this will not result in my failing the class or my expulsion. However, I have been wracked with guilt for days wondering why I would do something like this, considering that when I was in high school, I despised cheaters. I have now become one myself, and I don’t know how to go on living with my actions. Any advice you could offer me would be invaluable, because I’m not sure I trust my own judgment anymore.

Geez, Sparkler. You say that like it’s a bad thing.

But it’s not! In fact, from the sound of it, this misstep of yours—and the subsequent crisis of conscience you experienced as a result—was an embarrassing but highly necessary reality check as to the flaws in your worldview. Before this, you were clearly laboring under the impression that people who cheat are uniformly loathsome, rotten, irredeemable monsters. But hey, it turns out that it’s not quite that simple, no?

Because you were there. You had a front-row seat to exactly how and why a good person can make a bad decision. You know that you didn’t go into that test with malice in your heart and murder on your mind—and if you’d remembered to wash your hands before the exam, you probably wouldn’t have even considered cheating your way to a better grade. But things being what they were, the opportunity presented itself, and in a moment of weakness, you messed up.

That doesn’t reveal anything new or essential about what kind of person you are, sweet pea. It just means that you are a person, and like all people, you are capable of being propelled by fear or insecurity or anxiety to do the occasional impulsive, dumbass thing.

And when you’ve done a dumbass thing, there’s just one thing for you to do—and it’s not to lump yourself in with all those degenerate, deplorable cheaters you’ve always despised so much and write yourself off as a Bad Person. It’s to stop clinging to this binary, black-and-white, impossibly sanctimonious idea of morality that leaves no room for the multitudes that humans, including you, actually contain. Recognize that people are more complicated than this, and you can recognize that you, too, are more complicated—and that having integrity is not about never screwing up, but about being gracious and responsible on those occasions when you do. After all, the experience of doing wrong and suffering the consequences is how we all know to have better judgment the next time around. And for you, the worst is over, because this will be the only lesson you ever need in how easy it is to succumb to temptation when it’s right in the palm of your hand, right? Right.

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