Auntie SparkNotes: I Don’t Even Like Him, So Why Do I Feel So Awful That He Rejected Me?

Dear Auntie,

I’ve been puzzling over something for a while. I’m wondering if you can help me understand my feelings!

Quite a few months ago, I was at a party with some friends—a small group with whom I spend time on the occasional weekend/holiday. In this group there’s only one male. I’ve never been attracted to him in any way, but this one night we were so drunk that we ended up kissing in a dark bush for quite some time (there was some naughtier action too, but we don’t have to talk about that). I can’t remember who started the kiss but from what I remember we both seemed really into it.

However, I (and I assume he too) really regretted it (it led to me hating myself and him for quite some time) and it sort of broke our relationship for several months. One time, when he was very drunk, he told one of my friends that it was “nice” and he was glad that it happened because of our great friendship (weird). A few months later, things seemed to have improved between us, and when our little group of friends got together one night for drinks the last thing I expected was for it to happen again… but it did. This time, I know that he initiated it, and we ended up kissing in front of our friends, too, which was really weird.

The next day, I wasn’t as self-loathing or regretful as I’d been last time. I wasn’t into him. I’d enjoyed the human contact, but did not expect or desire this weird thing between us to continue. So I was shocked when he told me off about it. We talked about what happened, as I tried to carefully say that I didn’t want our friendship wrecked again, he came right out with “It was awful and I never want it to happen again.”

I don’t know why, but it seemed harsh and I was offended that I was trying so hard not to hurt his feelings and he had no qualms about hurting mine.

Anyway, the arrangement itself was fine by me. But literally two weeks later he got together with a skinnier, blonder, prettier girl at a party. Soon he was on to an even prettier, blonder, gorgeous girl at another party. Why did that hurt me so much if I have no romantic interest in him?

Now, our relationship is on the bad side of average. Not great, not terrible, but pretty distant. Why do I feel so emotionally tied to him? To this day, thinking about either of the events makes me cringe.

And congratulations on that, Sparkler—because frankly, Auntie SparkNotes can’t think of a better or more natural response to being brutally rejected, out of absolutely nowhere, by a guy you were close to and reasonably trusted to treat you with civility at the very least—all less than 24 hours after he’d been actively, publicly shoving his tongue down your throat in front of all your mutual friends.

… Okay, actually, I can think of a few better responses. But alas, all of them involve either unprintable words, elaborate torture devices, or being sentenced to life in prison for beating someone to death with a salmon, so let’s move on.

And look: Whether or not you had romantic feelings for this guy, he was still your friend—and that means he had the power to wound you badly by treating you with so little care. “It was awful” is a pretty harsh thing to say to someone you just hooked up with, especially when you guys have a bit of *ahem* history in that regard. Add in the extra knife-twisting spectacle of him hooking up with other girls right in front of you (unspoken subtext: “Behold, see how I am enjoying this! In precisely the way I didn’t enjoy it with you! Because remember, I thought it was awful!”), and of course you’re cringing every time you think about it, if for no other reason than that it hurts to be humiliated. You don’t have to be in love with someone to feel lousy when they kick you right in the ego.

That said, I do suspect that there’s a little more to it, in your case, just because the initial hookup clearly meant something to you. It’s not exactly weird for friends to get drunk and ill-advisedly make out with each other, but it’s extremely unusual for that make-out to send you careening into a death spiral of regret and loathing so intense that it nearly destroys your relationship.

Unfortunately, you glossed over that part of things in a way that makes it impossible to guess why it affected you so much, so you’re going to have to dig into it on your own. All I can tell you is that something is going on there, and that whatever it is, it’s important. Maybe you do have feelings for this guy and just don’t want to admit it. Or maybe the act of hooking up itself had great symbolic importance to you. Or maybe this whole scenario blows up some dearly-held idea of yourself—of what kind of person you are—to the point where you’re having a real, actual identity crisis.

I don’t know. I really don’t. But if you’re brave enough to be honest with yourself about why this situation disappointed you, an what you were hoping to get that you didn’t, you’ll figure it out. And when you do figure out what part of this is making you feel so bad—beyond the normal, natural pain of having been embarrassed by someone you trusted—you’ll be able to deal with it and move on.

Of course, if your dearest wish was to move on to the fish display at your nearest grocery store in search of some weaponry, nobody would blame you.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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