Auntie SparkNotes: I Feel Empty
Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
For the last few months, I have been in a weird headspace. Before that, anxiety was threatening to take over my life, but now I have lost interest in everything I used to like, and all the people I used to hang out with have started feeling like nuisances. My therapist says it’s because of stress, but . . . I’m not stressed. I’m not anything. I’m just sort of empty.
Not the “Everything is terrible and I hate life” kind of empty. I just stopped having feelings for most of the things in my life. A girl I knew, her mother died over the winter break, and when she called to tell me, I couldn’t even react, because I didn’t really care (with lack of a better way to put it.)
Furthermore—and this is the part that scares me a little—I have sort of stopped feeling that my actions can have consequences. There have been little things, like binging and hurling it up, but it has been getting worse. Several times, I have run across a busy street when I had the red light, to see if I was fast enough. I’ve jumped off of high walls and fences to see if I could break my fall. Last week, a friend and I went swimming in the city harbor, with no regard for the fact it was below freezing.
I know it’s normal to take dumb risks as a teenager. But usually, teenagers smoke weed, or get belly piercings… usually we don’t run into moving traffic. Besides, it unsettles me that I haven’t felt any remorse or empathy (or anything else, really!) in months. Do you have any advice?
You sound depressed.
… Sorry, that’s not advice. It’s just an observation.
But it’s my best guess as to what’s happening with you, and I think it’s the most important takeaway from your letter. Your wall-jumping, polar-plunging, mortality-disregarding behavior actually worries me much, much less than the numbness you describe. The former stuff is totally within the realm of normal teenage thrill-seeking shenanigans; it’s the kind of thing kids do when they’re spreading their wings and testing their limits. (Although for the record, it’s also the kind of thing that results in a handful of intensely stupid and highly preventable deaths every year, so please be at least a little bit careful, will ya? If only for the sake of not making Auntie’s hair go prematurely gray.)
The lack of feeling, though, and the lack of interest in anything or anyone that used to mean something to you: that’s not within the realm of normal, and I’m pretty surprised that your therapist wrote it off so casually. It’s a big red flag for clinical depression, which you should at least be screened for; it’s also a possible sign that your anxiety isn’t as under control as you’d hoped. Add in the part where you’re exhibiting eating-disordered behavior, and I think it’s safe to say that this is more than “just stress.”
Thus, the advice portion of this post: Go back to your therapist and tell her that, respectfully, you’re not content to just sit around waiting to not feel like an empty shell anymore. Insist on it. And if you’re not being listened to, then maybe it’s time to consult a new therapist—or a psychiatrist, to explore whether medication might be a good option for you. The most important thing is that you reach out and advocate for yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to settle for a numb life, that feeling next-to-nothing is good enough. You know what “better” looks like. Don’t be afraid to fight for it. If you want it, you have to fight for it. Nobody else will.
And in the meantime, please don’t parkour yourself into a full-body cast, okay? I worry.
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