Auntie SparkNotes: I Gagged During a Makeout

Dear Auntie,

I feel like this needs some explanation first. I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my wonderful girlfriend long-distance for a little over a year now. Now, she’s not out to her parents, so they don’t know I exist, and my parents, while they do know about her and approve of the relationship, have put an absolute ban on sleepovers.

In short, we can’t see each other often and we’ve gone on about five dates in over a year. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Now, onto the main issue here. I am a makeout noob. I had never kissed anyone before her, but she is, shall we say, very experienced. Problem is though, she’s a little bit… overzealous?? That’s probably a good word.

Anyways, we finally ran into an opportunity for a makeout session a while ago, she like, just immediately jams her tongue in there. It was gross and weird and slimy, of course I gagged. I was MORTIFIED. I mean, we laughed it off, but still.

What do I do?? I mean it’s probably too late to do anything now, other than say like, “Hey, its not you or your breath, it’s just that tongues are gross.” And how the heck do I get better at kissing and not get weirded out by how weird the human tongue is?

Off the top of my head, it’ll certainly help if your girlfriend stops ramming hers down your throat like one of those ghastly alien albino snakes from Prometheus.

Y’know, just for starters.

Because in fact, there are a lot of people who would react to that just like you did, relative level of smooching experience nonwithstanding. Tongue is to kissing as hot sauce is to food; some people like a little, some people like a lot, but nobody really wants to make a meal out of it. That’s why one of the main commandments of kissing is that thou shalt not jam thy whole entire tongue inside someone else’s whole entire mouth, and especially not within moments of first liplock. (Amen.)

Of course, your girlfriend isn’t here to absorb that essential tidbit of info—and you’ll probably want to be more diplomatic about it anyway, if and when you ask her to dial it back. But the point is just this: It’s not wrong, immature, or even unusual if you don’t especially enjoy having a ton of tongue in your mouth. And while your dislike of deep french kissing may be partly a matter of experience, it’s also a matter of taste, and it would be neither impossible nor unreasonable if it turned out that it’s just not your thing.

Fortunately, it also sounds like your girlfriend isn’t the type to hold a grudge if it’s not your thing, or to be a petulant weenie about it while you figure out your personal preferred level of tongue action. (Actually, I’d be surprised if she hasn’t dialed it back already, considering what happened the last time she tried to bulldoze her way past your uvula.) Just ask her to take it slow with you on the tongue front—for obvious reasons! You can even laugh about it!—and then see if you aren’t more amenable to french kissing when it’s just a little flutter instead of a mouthful of slimy meat.

If I had to guess, I’d guess that you’ll probably be okay with that, in which case you can then test out some deeper tongue action and see how that goes. Not to oversimplify things, but really, you’ll either like frenching or you won’t—and if you do like it, it’s a natural next step to figure out where you draw the line between Acceptable Tongue Levels and Much Too Much. As long as you keep the lines of communication open, you’ll be fine! (And depending on your girlfriend’s ability to pick up on non-verbal cues, you may not even need to communicate in actual words, although doing so is always good practice.)

Meanwhile, as long as your girlfriend’s happiness isn’t dependent on being able to cram her whole tongue in your mouth, you’ll naturally fall into a kissing pattern that’s fully satisfactory to both of you. And from there, all that’s left to do is have fun. Which I know you will. Happy smooching.

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