Auntie SparkNotes: I Have a Binge-Eating Disorder

Dear Auntie,

I could really, really use some advice. I don’t know how to fix this problem and I’m seriously starting to fear for my health. The problem is, I don’t even know if this is an actual problem or if I just have no self-control. Basically, I cannot stop eating. Even when I’m full, even when I’ve been sure my stomach is about to explode from how much food I’ve eaten. I have also struggled on and off with purging my food since my junior year of high school (I’m a freshman in college now). I never saw anyone for the purging because a) I just didn’t have access to help and b) because it was so on and off that I just didn’t think of it as something anyone would see as a serious problem. But now I am having a really serious problem with binging.

Like, I’m talking 3000+ calories 4-5 days a week. And it’s all sugary junk food. And I’ve definitely gained weight, which is bad in itself, as I was already heavy. (I am around 210 now, and i’m only 5’5). It’s like someone else is in my body, totally controlling me. When I’m in the middle of a binge, there’s no stopping it, even though I have no desire to eat and there have been times when I have literally been screaming inside my head, telling myself to stop.

Now, there are confidential free counselors on campus, but I have two concerns. 1: A friend of my suitemate’s was forcibly sent home from school because she went to see a counselor and they decided she wasn’t in a healthy enough place to be at school. I am absolutely terrified of that happening, Auntie. I love college SO much. I’m majoring in something I love and have never been happier in that regard.

And the other thing: I have an amazing boyfriend, my very first, who I’ve been seeing for six months. He doesn’t really know about this side of me beyond “sometimes I’m weird about eating”. I know he loves me, a lot. And I love him, more than I could ever say. But I’m terrified of his reaction if he finds out about this, and if he found out I was seeing a counselor, should I decide to do that. Am I obligated to tell him? Does it even matter what he thinks, because at this point I am just really really worried about my health?

Man, am I glad you asked that last question, Sparkler—because if you hadn’t, I would have been obligated to not only ask it myself, rhetorically, but to beat you over the head with the answer in a way that neither one of us would have enjoyed!

And for the record, that answer is no. It doesn’t matter what your boyfriend thinks, because what he thinks doesn’t change the fact that disordered eating is something you’re seriously struggling with. That’s the truth, whether he handles it well or not. So if he reacts badly, all that means is that he wasn’t the right guy for you—because that guy, the right guy, will not need you to hide part of yourself from view in order for him to love you.

The bright side: You describe your boyfriend as loving, amazing, and already at least a little bit aware of your weirdness surrounding food. And while Auntie SparkNotes can’t officially guarantee you that he’ll be cool about this, I’d personally put my money on him being neither surprised nor dismayed to learn that you’re getting some help. And “I’m seeing a counselor about food issues” is all you’d need to tell him, if you wanted to tell him anything at all. Opening up might be a good idea—for the sake of honesty, intimacy, and having the support of the guy you love—but it’s not a strict requirement.

What is a strict requirement (or at least strenuously recommended) is that you find your way into a mental health professional’s office as soon as possible. I don’t have to tell you that you need help; you know you do. Your health and happiness hang in the balance, here.

And yes, it’s true that the process of unpacking all of this, digging down to the roots of your eating disorder, and working through it to a better place is not necessarily going to be easy or pleasant the whole way through (although for what it’s worth, there’s no reason why it should necessitate your leaving college, and you almost certainly won’t have to.) But the hardest part is the part you’ve already done: Realizing that you’re not in control, realizing that you can’t do this alone. If you can handle that, there’s no question that you can handle whatever comes next. Good luck.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, call the toll free, confidential National Eating Disorder Association Helpline on 1-800-931-2237 Monday-Thursday from 9:00 am-9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am-5:00 pm (EST). Their helpline volunteers will be there to offer support and guidance with compassion and understanding.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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