Auntie SparkNotes: I Rejected Him and Now He Hates Me

Dear Auntie,

Last year, this guy decided to sit next to me in one of my classes. Let’s call him S. We had a bunch of classes together, and some similar interests, so we became friends quickly. Sometimes I noticed that if I said or did something, he would completely latch onto it, like if I wore a lot of purple, S would comment on it and just assumed that it was my favorite color (even if it wasn’t). I never really shared anything super personal with him, and he didn’t share anything personal with me, so I just brushed that off as a joke.

On the last day of school, some of my guy friends were teasing each other about having a crush on me (this is usual and I ignore them because I know they are really just teasing me—it isn’t true) and S jokingly says that he doesn’t blame him and that he has a crush on me too. Although this kind of bothered and unnerved me, I just laughed and brushed it off. I’m not allowed to date anyway, but I realized I didn’t feel the same way.

So, upon arriving at high school, I continued to avoid S, however the two of us have a lot of classes together and I just can’t bring myself to brush off my friend entirely. Early in the year, he asked if we could be “more than friends,” and I told him no (I think I was somewhat polite—I’ve never turned anyone down before), and proceeded to remind him that I’m not allowed to date. S responded nonchalantly in a way that implied that he thought me not being allowed to date was stupid or that he didn’t care and I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. For a while, I avoided him because I was shocked he didn’t respect my no-dating rule and that he would still expect me to go out with him. After all of this though, I realized that my feelings didn’t change and I still want to be friends with him. Unfortunately, S was really hurt that I didn’t choose to break the no-dating rule and date him, so now he’s avoiding me. Whenever I try to start a conversation with him, he gives me brief answers or ignores me completely. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am seeing a completely different side of him, and I’m not sure I like it. I’m worried that he had a crush on me the entire time I’ve known him and that when I tried to become friends with him that I was just leading him on. I also wish that he would just treat me like any of his friends who are girls.

Auntie, please help me. I have no idea what he is thinking and I don’t understand his reaction at all. He apparently has no intention of ever making up, but we were really close friends and I feel awful about this.

And I’m just going to stop you right there, Sparkler—because sadly, “we were really close friends” is where you’re going astray. And he’s never going to treat you like just another girl friend, because you aren’t. Not to him. He has always liked you romantically, and he has never been interested in anything less (as he made pretty abundantly clear, I think, by telling you right from the get-go that he wanted to be more than friends.).

So when you rejected him, as you had every right to do, he responded by dropping you like a hot potato… as he had every right to do.

I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted, or what you wanted to hear. But the sad truth is that this guy isn’t required to settle for a friendship with you just because that’s all you’re willing to offer, anymore than you were required to date him just because he liked you romantically. And in fact, I’m surprised to see you say that you don’t understand his reaction, because don’t you know exactly how he feels? Think how hurt and disappointed you’ve been to discover that your friend doesn’t want the kind of relationship with you that you want to have with him.

That’s probably more or less how he felt when he realized the same about you.

But that’s just how it works out sometimes. Not every unrequited crush has a great friendship lurking under its surface; sometimes, it’s romance or bust, and nobody gets what they want, and the best thing you can say about how it all worked out is that the disappointment was at least evenly distributed.

And as for what you do now, that part is easy: You gracefully accept that you’ve been rejected, and you stop pushing for a relationship that this guy doesn’t want to have with you. You have plenty of other friends; you don’t need to force yourself on him. And if you back off and give the dude some space to feel his feelings, and some time for the sting of unrequited interest to subside, then who knows? Maybe someday, he’ll come around on his own to being interested in you the way you are in him: on a more platonic level.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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