Auntie SparkNotes: I Still Love My Ex, How Should I Flirt with Him?

Dear Auntie,

I used to date this guy for three months, but then summer came and I spent two months doing an internship in another country, so we decided it would be best to break up right before I left. It has been six months since our breakup and we both briefly dated other people in the meantime. We remained good friends even though we are not as close as we used to be.

Sounds perfectly fine, but the thing is I have been and still am completely in love with him the entire time. However, our interaction has turned more distant since the break up (he prefers giving me a high five over a hug) and I understand it might be a little awkward for him, but he even ignores my messages for long periods of time. To be honest the one thing I really need advice on is, how do you flirt with your ex? If I use any of the typical flirting techniques I’m afraid it will be very obvious and he would immediately reject me. It is especially difficult because I have no idea how he feels about me.

I’ll give you this, Sparkler: That would make it difficult… if it were true.

But you aren’t really in the dark about your ex’s feelings, are you? I mean, not that I don’t understand why you’d want to be; admitting to yourself that you know what you know would mean letting go of the possibility of reconciliation that you’re clearly hoping for. But the truth about how he feels is right there in your letter: in his distance, his awkwardness, his silence, his discomfort with physical contact, and most especially in the part where you mention that he’d shut this entire endeavor down if he caught so much as a whiff of your intentions.

There’s only one reason why that would be a foregone conclusion… and it’s not because he wants to get back together.

I’m really sorry. I know that’s not even remotely what you were hoping to hear.

But that’s why, when you ask how to flirt with your ex, I have to ask you what it is you’re actually looking for. After all, the entire point of flirting is to make your attraction obvious, in the hopes that the other person will notice and respond in kind—or not, in which case you’d know to stop pursuing him. Flirting is a way of asking, “Do you like me?”, just not in so many words.

You, on the other hand, don’t want to ask that question, because you’re pretty sure you won’t like the answer. Instead, what you seem to be looking for is a way to change that answer—to make your ex look at you That Way again, without him knowing he’s being manipulated.

In which case, this would be the part where I regretfully inform you that mind control isn’t real. (And even if it were real, I’d never recommend it. Whoever you end up with, you want him to choose you of his own free will.)

And as far as where that leaves you, this would be the part where you confront the sad truth that it’s over, and has been for awhile, and start the painful but necessary business of moving on.

With that said, if you just can’t do that until or unless you have a definitive yes or no on the getting-back-together front, then by all means, tell your ex how you’re feeling and see how he responds. You can even hope for a good outcome (although I’d caution you against expecting one, under the circumstances.)

But those are your options, sweet pea. There is no Plan C in which you keep stagnating in Self-Delusion Station just because you suspect the next, last stop on this train is Cold Hard Disappointmentville. This story is going to end how it ends.

And if it’s going to end in heartbreak, then… well, your heart is already broken. The best thing you can do is have the courage to feel it, and get it over with, so you can move on to better things.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.