Auntie SparkNotes: I Want a Sincere Apology from My Crush
Dear Auntie,
Hi, I have a boy problem. Typical, right? Well, let’s call the boy “Kaden.” At the start of middle school, Kaden and I met, and we clicked. We were friends, and all was well for about two months. Then I started to crush on him. Kaden knew about it, said he didn’t care, and promised to treat me the same as always.
But looking back on it, I noticed that around that time he started to become meaner towards me. He wasn’t the only one. His close friend, “Bree” was also mean to me, each in different ways. (I had known Bree for a while, and invited her to my house a few times, but she never invited me back. Bree also never texted me unless I texted her first.) I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll never really be friends with Bree—Kaden, not so much. Kaden made rude comments about me and got mad when I would lash out and say rude things back. I apologized for some; he apologized for none. Kaden went so far as to purposely mention his “1,000 girlfriends” to people when he KNEW I was nearby. Many a night I’d spend wondering if he’d ever realize how much he hurts me.
One time, it was really bad—I jokingly said that I thought his selfies were terrible. I’ve said things like that to my other friends before, and they laugh it off and say something funny about me. Turns out, the selfie comment made Kaden angry. He then proceeded to post a not inappropriate, but rather unflattering, picture of me on social media. Revenge? I begged him to take it down, but he refused. Thankfully my amazing friend, “Stephanie,” was there, and she yelled at him for doing that. He still didn’t take it down. Stephanie (along with most of my friend group) thinks he’s a douche, and that I should do something along the lines of slapping him with the Punishment Salmon. Auntie, we’re in high school now, and I rarely see him. But I still have such a huge crush on him, and a huge desire for him to know how he hurt me. I want a sincere apology from him and I want to be good friends with him. Is there any hope for that? I really want things to work between us, but right now I’m sitting in a mess of emotions on the top of Mt. Feelz.
And I really want Chris Hemsworth to materialize on my doorstep wearing nothing but his Thor helmet and a discreetly-placed fig leaf… but alas, little superstar, sometimes the universe is a cold, cruel, indifferent place in which our desires just don’t rule the day.
Which is to say, I think your hoped-for outcome—in which Kaden recognizes and sincerely apologizes for the terrible pain he’s caused you, and you ride off into the sunset together as the best of friends (if not more than friends)—is unlikely verging on impossible. I’m sorry. That level of consideration would be a lot to ask for from anybody, but when the “anybody” in question is a 15-year-old boy… well, you know. As a demographic, they’re not exactly known for being bastions of deep, soulful sensitivity.
And that’s especially true when (and let’s just be honest about this) your conflicts were not only his fault. By your own account, you were dishing out the drama just as hard as he was (and in some cases, instigating it!) It’s no surprise that your interactions were a mess of mixed messages, perceived slights, and wild overreactions, in which one person’s lighthearted jab or throwaway comment would frequently register as the other’s deep emotional wound. And look: none of this is unusual, especially in the hotbed of hormonal insanity that is the average middle school social scene. Everyone goes through crazy volatile friendships like this in their early teenage years. But like you said, you’re in high school now, and your relationship—such as it is—is different bordering on nonexistent. And while there might be hope for you to reconnect with this guy down the road, at least on a platonic basis, that won’t happen if you’re still trying to hold him accountable for the dysfunctional way you related to each other back in the eighth grade. Whatever pain he caused you by being cavalier about your feelings, it’s in the past. It’s time to leave it there.
And while you move past that hurt, it’s also time to move past the crush that’s at the center of it. Which is kind of the only thing to do, no? Based on your letter, I’m guessing that Kaden didn’t/doesn’t return your feelings; continuing to pine for him will only keep you dwelling atop that pile of bad feeling that you so desperately want to get away from. So from now on, busy yourself with the amazing friends you have around you, immerse yourself in the wider world that high school has to offer you, and engage yourself with the people and passions that enrich your life and give you great forward momentum. And if that momentum carries you back into this guy’s orbit again someday, maybe you’ll be able to make a better go of it as friends the second time around—but as the better, more grownup people you will be when you reconnect, and not the drama llamas you were back in middle school.
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