Auntie SparkNotes: I Want to Move Out of My Abusive Dad’s House

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

A long time ago I realized my father was, and is still, emotionally abusive towards myself and my brother.

Examples include swearing loudly at us, demeaning us, calling us stupid and unable to do anything right, not providing love or affection, and isolating us from his side of the family. And I know it’s wrong and I’ve taken every step to minimize flare ups between us, but I’m 16 now and I just want to leave him for my mother’s home. But several problems have occurred to prevent this:

One, my mother will not take primary custody of me (they have shared equal custody) because I’m almost an adult and she got into serious debt divorcing my dad and she doesn’t want this happening again. (Also she’s scared of him, she told me that when she divorced him he threatened to bankrupt her and take me and my brother from her). I forgive her for this.

Two, I’m almost seventeen and I think I can make it, but I’ve come to the realization I will not be an adult by the time college applications need to be filled out and acceptance letters arrive. I will only be an adult when classes start.

Three, I’m scared he will force me into his debt or force me to stay with him for some reason. (I plan on going to community college for two years before transferring).

Four, I have a younger brother who will be a sophomore when I start college. I’m scared my father will become even crueler to him when I leave at 18. (Like how it escalated when my mother left.) I’m scared he’ll take me leaving as abandonment and accept that what my father is doing is right and that includes racist and homophobic views as well.

Five, I feel bad for my dad. As stupid as that is. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Help Auntie, I don’t know what to do or how I should move forward. Am I being over reactive in my fears for my and my brothers sake? Should I #rundontwalk? HELP.

Let’s start with the bad news, Sparkler: I can’t tell you what to do, or how to feel, or what will happen if and when you take steps to distance yourself from your father. (Sadly, Auntie SparkNotes is not in fact a dark sorceress with the power to predict the future… despite my best attempts.)

Here’s what I can tell you, though: You don’t have to answer all of these questions at once, and you don’t have to answer any of them correctly on the first try.

In fact, your way forward probably won’t seem forward at all, at least not at first. The complex interplay of custody rules plus volatile parent plus financial concerns plus your not-quite-adult status equals a lot going on here, and the way through it isn’t going to be a straight line. Anyone who has ever had to negotiate a complicated family situation, including dealing with an abusive parent, will tell you that it is a process, and sometimes even a lifelong one. You’re going to meander, and misstep, and backtrack. You’re going to gain ground on one front, only to lose it somewhere else. And you’re going to set healthy boundaries and find a balance that lets you live in relative comfort and peace—until something happens to throw that balance out of whack, and you have to draw some new lines in slightly different places.

That probably seems like more bad news, but actually, this is the good part. You’ve already begun to move forward, simply by acknowledging your father’s nature and your own desire to leave.

That was a major step, and an important one; it gave you clarity and perspective that you didn’t have before. You’ve gone from trying to control your father’s behavior, walking on eggshells in the hopes that you might keep him from blowing up, to recognizing that this situation is a) not your fault, and b) not okay. That’s progress! And not only that, you also now know from experience what happens each time you make progress: For every problem you’ve solved, a new one (or several new ones) will crop up in its place, hydra-style.

That’s why this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Which is something to keep in mind any and every time you feel stuck and unsure about what to do. Take right now, for instance: If the thing you want is currently out of reach (because of your custody arrangement), then it’s okay to decide that the best action, for the moment, is not to take any. Maybe you’ll weigh your concerns for your brother and your need for financial support against your desire to be out from under your father’s roof, and decide that the former two take priority for now. Maybe you’ll start small and strategic, by initiating some conversations with trusted adults (your mom, a family friend, a school counselor) and finding out what kind of support you might be able to count on if and when you move out. Maybe you can buy yourself some temporary peace of mind with a part-time job or activity that minimizes the amount of time you have to spend at home. Or maybe your energies are best focused on preventing the things you know you don’t want, like accepting money from your dad that he might hold over your head later, or losing your relationship with your brother whenever you go to college.

Even if you don’t or can’t move out right this minute, all the thinking and preparing and planning you do will still be moving you forward—as will the unstoppable march of time. You could do absolutely nothing, and time and legal adulthood would still eventually drop a better set of options in your lap.

I know that this whole response is long on speculation, and short on actual advice, and I’m sorry for that. I wish I could give you a simple, easy set of steps that solves all of your problems while addressing all of your fears; I wish such a thing existed.

But it doesn’t. So when you ask me what you should do, all I can tell you is this: You’ll figure that out. You are already figuring it out. You’ve come a long way already, all on your own, just by having the courage to admit what you see and what you want. What you need now is to recognize that your next steps, though they may not be as huge and revelatory as the realization that you hate living with your father, are still progress. And if you’d rather walk than run, or stand and think than walk, that’s okay. There are no prizes for making big moves, here; your future will be ready to greet you at whatever moment you step into it, no sooner, no later.

Have faith that this meandering path will one day see you out of the mire, to a place where you can look back and be astonished at how far you’ve come.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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