Auntie SparkNotes: I Want to Talk to My Crush but My Friend Keeps Pushing In

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

So, recently I’ve started to crush on a guy who’s in my friend group. We’ve already been shipped every single day, and we’re good friends. I obviously haven’t confessed, but this story isn’t exactly about him.

The thing is, he’s been shipped with one of my friends before we even knew what shipping was; we always thought she liked him. Ever since me and my crush have been hanging out and talking more (and getting shipped, which, oddly enough, SHE started), she’s been being kind of rude.

It started out with the little things that everyone did, like our school’s “feud” between band and orchestra (which doesn’t really exist, considering most of my friends are in orchestra and I’m in band). She’s one of my friends in orchestra, and whenever I mention anything about band (example: “Ugh, we got a piece that was so complicated!”) she immediately cuts me off and tells me to shut up about band. It’s a pretty normal thing in our school, but most people in my friend group are more subtle about my elective choices.

Now, when I go into practice rooms after school with my other orchestra friends, when she shows up she goes, “Ew, why is she here?” and things like that. She’s been known to be the “brutally honest friend”, so everyone ignores it, but her venom seems to only find me these days.

She also keeps pushing me out of the way to talk to my crush, and ignoring the looks on our faces. My crush is too nice to say anything, though. Granted, I haven’t exactly told anyone about my crush on said guy, but come on. Even if I didn’t like him, butting in on our conversations is just rude.

I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me like she’s still into my crush. Or, she’s scared about losing him as a friend.

I don’t want to lose our friendship, so what can I do?

For starters, Sparkler, you can stop guessing at her motivations and just talk to her about her actions, which are a) a matter of objective fact in a way that your attempts at mind-reading aren’t, and b) the real issue here, anyway. Right? Like you said, the details don’t matter. She’s being rude! Astoundingly so!

Which is what you can say, more or less, when you sit down with her privately to hash this out—with “less” being the way to go if you want to keep her as a friend. Just stick with the facts: “This is the second time in a week that you’ve cut in and shoved me out of the way while I was having a conversation with Guy, and you say incredibly rude things to me every time I see you. We’ve been friends for years and you’ve never treated me this way before. It really hurts. What’s going on?”

At this point, your friend will probably respond in one of several ways. Maybe she’ll come clean about why she’s got such a case of the nasties, in which case you can talk about it, or maybe she’ll try to pretend that you’re crazy and she doesn’t know what you’re on about, in which case… well, you tried. Even if she is jealous of your nascent flirtation with this guy, not everyone has the maturity to own up to that sort of ugly impulse (or even the self-awareness to recognize it as such.) But more important than her immediate reaction is her long-term one—as in, whether she continues the same behavior after you’ve made it explicit that She’s Being a Jerk and People Are Noticing. If it was her goal all along to act like an obvious troll, then she’ll just keep on doing what she’s doing (and you may want to rethink your commitment to keeping as a friend someone who’s knowingly trying to hurt you.) But if she’s been battling some secret unhappiness and just didn’t mean to let it show so much, then this will be a gentle wakeup to dial it back and find a healthier way to deal with it that isn’t so covert-aggressive.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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