Auntie SparkNotes: I Want to Tell My Friends That Our Mutual Is a Creep

Hi Auntie,

I’m having a dilemma about a guy I know. Recently we were both at this party, and were making regular jokes about regular things, and the conversation got to domination and submission in sex. I admitted that if it came to that, I would really only let a girl be a Dom to me (I’m bi). He jokingly said that he could change that, and I got slightly uncomfortable, expressing that really I’m not interested in that (as I tried walking away). He grabbed my arm, following me, and continued to say stuff like “Don’t make me try”, and “wait and see”, thrown in with “I’m sure I could change that.” And eventually I just got so uncomfortable I lied about going to the bathroom to avoid being near him.

Later that night (which I’d since spent avoiding him), I went home and forgot about the incident. Until that same boy messaged me, asking to meet up later that week. When I didn’t respond, he continued to message me, asking if I enjoyed the party or whatnot. Eventually I responded, effectively brushing him off. He now hangs around weirdly at school, and I just feel really uncomfortable near him, especially because I’m a fairly private person when it comes to my physical body (my thoughts and feelings are fairly out in the open, but the flesh prison is kept under control).

In hindsight, I should have expected what happened to happen. It was probably silly of me to say what I said. However, I do know that I was not flirting with him (we were both sober), or particularly leading him on in any way other than by talking to him. I’m ridiculously awkward, and very standoffish with boys in particular (due to past experiences with bias and spread rumours). I definitely do not give off “date me” vibes.

I want to tell my group of friends (this boy is in it), but I am worried the boys of that group are going to call me sensitive and say that “it wasn’t that bad.” Is this just the culture of my grade, or am I really just being sensitive? One of my friends I told said I should tell people, but I just don’t know.

Let’s start by stating the obvious, Sparkler: this is your story, and it’s your prerogative to tell it if you want to—and the way other people might or might not react is beside the point. This is the kind of thing you say because it matters to you and you want it out in the open, and there are certainly reasons why getting something like this out in the open can be the right thing to do.

But with that said, let’s also mention what is perhaps not-so-obvious: before you put it out in the open, and subject your mutual friend to a public reckoning over what sounds like, at base, a dumb joke taken too far, you should at least give him some inkling of what kind of misery he’s in for.

Because look: in a perfect world, of course this guy wouldn’t have taken your brief, unguarded moment as an invitation to cross the line. But we don’t live in a perfect world. Instead, we live in a world where people sometimes assume that a candid conversation about kinky sex signals the start of a raunchy flirtation, and will continue to assume as much unless you tell them otherwise. And while of course you know that you weren’t flirting, it’s not hard to understand why he might have gotten his wires crossed, or even why he might have thought it was all in good fun considering the topic of conversation. (Not that being a sex pest is funny, but as you pointed out, his aggressive “I could change that” comments were said jokingly—in keeping with the convo you were already having about BDSM). So tell me, darling: are you sure that the best way for him to find out that he made a mistake is by being publicly humiliated when you announce it to all your mutual friends?

Hopefully, your answer to that question is no—because let’s be honest, that would be unkind. If this guy is making you uncomfortable, it’s only fair that you tell him that—as in, “Your texts are making me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring this up again”—before you tell anyone else.

Of course, you’ll also want to ask yourself exactly what he’s doing that’s making you uncomfortable, so that you can address that thing specifically. You say he “hangs around weirdly”, but as a member of your social circle, hanging around is kinda what people do; what actually is the behavior that’s bothering you? Is he staring? Leering? Making inappropriate comments? Pinching his nipples suggestively while making meowing noises?

Or—and I’m just spitballing, here—is this maybe more about the cringe-y memory of a moment where you revealed a little more than you intended, and got a lot of nonsense you didn’t bargain for in return? It’s not clear from your letter whether he’s even still contacting you; if not, it might be worth asking yourself whether he’s already gotten the message, and whether any lingering weirdness is the result of him feeling as uncomfy around you as you do around him. What are the chances that he already realizes he overstepped, and is embarrassed by the ensuing awkwardness?

Obviously, only you know the answers to these questions. And if he is doing something uncouth—or if you think there was something truly sinister about your conversation at the party—then your next step should be to let him know exactly what he did and/or is doing wrong and why. (“When you x, I felt y” statements are always good for this.) But do let it be your next step, before you start telling all your mutuals what a creepy perv he is. People deserve the chance to make things right before they’re publicly shamed for doing wrong. And since you’d want the courtesy of a private discussion if you ever unknowingly crossed a line that made someone else feel weird, extending that courtesy to someone else is not just good practice, but good karma.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.