Auntie SparkNotes: I’m Afraid My Guy Friends Like Other People More

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

I have an eternal fear that guys will end up liking my friends more than me.

I am an introverted, self-exiled loner. Until recently, I didn’t have many friends and those I did have were definitely not of the Y chromosome type. But once I started college, I acquired a good number of male friends and a couple of them can now be considered my closest friends. Although I have no romantic interest in the guy friends I have, I would like them to stick with me.

But the problem here is me. I have a sarcastic personality and I insult friends at the drop of a hat (in jest of course). Sometimes these jokes do get out of hand and I realize that and apologize to the person in question. (I know it doesn’t make much of a difference.) But I feel like after a while, guys stop appreciating my sense of humor and wit and tend to like people who are nicer. I sense male friends drifting off towards my best girl friends and leaving me in the dust.

My question here is, is my fear valid or am I just too much of an attention seeker? And what can I do to rectify this feeling of abandonment?

For starters, you could realize that none of this is a zero-sum game! Or a competition, for that matter. At the risk of stating the obvious, people can have more than one friend at a time. When your guy friends get friendly with other people, or even if they get romantically involved, that doesn’t have to mean anything bad (or anything at all, really) about your relationship.

… That is, unless your idea of a relationship is a tad bit warped. Which is why, first and foremost, I have to ask: When you say that you want your guy friends to stick with you, do you mean to the exclusion of all others? Do you expect your friends to be more like a fawning circle of admirers, and you their radiant queen?

Because obviously, darling, that’s not going to work. That’s not how healthy friendships work. And if you’re so insecure about being liked that you can’t bear for your friends to like anyone else, then your clinginess will drive people away long before your sarcastic attitude does.

The thing is, I think you know this. Defensive sarcasm and insecurity are intimate bedfellows, after all; it doesn’t take a genius to see that your “jesting” insults keep people at arms’ length so that they can’t get close enough to hurt you. And while I couldn’t say for sure that this is an attention-seeking issue for you, I think it’s extremely interesting that you seem to think it might be. You could have asked any number of questions, but you chose that one. Why? And for that matter, why is this only a problem with your male friends? Are you, by any chance, treating them not only as friends, but also as a collection of human trophies that validate your overall desirability as a person?

Only you know the answer to these questions, but I will say this: Taken altogether, your letter paints a pretty definitive picture of a person who longs for friendship but is terrified of the vulnerability it entails, who has a lot of ego tied up in her likeability, and who pushes people away only to become desperate and clingy when they actually try to leave. And if you can’t let down your guard enough to build some real intimacy and trust, not only will you never feel secure, but people will continue to migrate away from you and toward friendships that, y’know, actually feel like friendships.

In that respect, your fear is valid. But that’s all the more reason why you have to let go of it, and refuse to let it rule your life. Real friendship isn’t about keeping yourself invulnerable; it’s about freely giving other people the power to hurt your feelings, yet trusting them not to use it.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not an easy step to take. It’s big, and it’s scary, and it’ll make you feel like all your soft targets are out there waving in the breeze. But if you can summon the courage and confidence to do that, the rest will follow—and you’ll find that friendship is so much easier, and so much better, with your defenses down.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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