Auntie SparkNotes: I’m in Love with My Friend and His Girlfriend Knows It

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

I have a dilemma.

My guy friend (we’ll call him “Joe”) is a really good friend of mine. I’ve known Joe since we were about four years old, so we’ve been friends for eleven years. Over time, we’ve grown really close and I’ve developed feelings for him. I really like him, I mean, it’s borderline love. But he has a girlfriend, and he really loves her.

A couple of months ago, she (the girlfriend, we’ll call her “Betty”) came to a church youth group meeting and I felt guilty because I liked/loved Joe; so I backed off. I didn’t really talk to them, I didn’t sit with Joe like I normally do, and I just sort of ignored them. I was taking down stage equipment when Betty came over and asked me what was wrong. I told her it was nothing, that I was fine. She told me that if I didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t leave me alone; that she would “scream her head off right there” unless I told her. So I did.

I told her that I liked Joe (I didn’t want to say “love” because I wasn’t sure at the time), that I had for a long time. I apologized to her, and told her I wasn’t trying to steal her man; and that I was fine just being his friend. Betty told me that it was okay, and that she knew I wasn’t trying to take him from her. I thought we were cool.

That was, until last week. I was texting Joe and I told him I’d “be right back” and he said “Okay, but we need to talk when you get back”. My first thought was “Not good. Not good at all”. He asked me what Betty and I talked about that night. I avoided the question, because I was scared. I didn’t want to, nor was I ready to, tell him how much I like/love him. He told me he already knew what we talked about, but he wanted to see if I would tell him. He said that I made Betty extremely uncomfortable and that I had caused a fight between them, but that eventually she calmed down and everything was good again.

Except that I was really hurt. I told him that I was hurt, and that he can’t just say things like that and cause a fight and then push it to the side and expect me to be okay. He apologized, so that part’s okay. But since I said that to Joe, and since he has found out how I feel, he treats me differently. He’s kinder, nicer, and just overall more gentle with me. He says he loves Betty, but with the way he acts, I’m not so sure. Everyone at church and in the youth group has said to me “You guys (myself and Joe) look like you’re ‘together’.” I always deny that we are, because we’re not. But I feel like he likes/loves me back. I want to ask him about it, and tell him to his face that I love him; and that the way he acts confuses me and is giving me false hope, which isn’t anything good from my standing point. My sister says that I should tell him, but my mom says I shouldn’t. I don’t want to cause another fight between him and Betty, but I need some answers. If I cause another fight, that might mean the end of our friendship, which would kill me. Please, I need some advice on what to do.

And I need blueprints for a working time machine, so that I can go back to the moment at which Betty emotionally blackmailed you into confessing your crush on her boyfriend, and wallop her right in the face with the biggest damn salmon in my arsenal.

Which is not particularly relevant as a solution to your problem, obviously. It’s just something I would really like to do—not least because it would have given you a few extra seconds to come up with a face-saving lie, and skip all the current awkwardness.

But alas, time travel isn’t real, and so here we are.

And so, Sparkler, here is my suggestion: First, come to terms with the fact that your relationship with Joe, while not necessarily over, is certainly in flux. That was true even before you admitted your crush to his girlfriend, when you had to take a noticeable step back from the two of them for the sake of your heart, and it’s even more true now that he’s aware that you like him. You say that you don’t want to lose the friendship, but in certain ways, you already have, because that friendship was predicated in part on Joe not knowing the truth about how you feel. No matter what, you can’t undo that, and things will change—are changing—because of it.

This is not to frighten you or make you feel bad; rather, it’s to relieve you of the anxiety that comes from believing that if you just sit very quietly and don’t do anything more to rock the boat, everything will be as it was before. You can’t go back to that. And that’s scary, but it’s also freeing. When you’ve accepted that things are moving forward, you can start focusing on what direction you want them to move forward in.

And for you, I think that means telling Joe what you told me: That under the circumstances, the change in his behavior is confusing to you and making you wonder if he returns your feelings. Because even if he doesn’t like you back (and more on that in a second), he certainly cares about you, enough to want to avoid hurting you with false hopes or mixed messages.

That said, you’ll want to prepare yourself for the possibility that his attentiveness to you isn’t a sign of something bigger, or something romantic. It’s not that you can’t be hopeful—because of course you can, and considering the depth of your affection, you probably couldn’t help it if you tried—but it’s still worth remembering that people can become very sweet and solicitous when they know a friend likes them, for no other reason than that they’re trying to be considerate. And in Joe’s case, yes, he’s being very kind and gentle with you, but not before he baited you to tell him the truth about your feelings even though he knew perfectly well what they were already, which was… not awesome of him.

Either way, though, you’re well within your rights to ask your friend what’s going on in your friendship. And if his girlfriend has a problem with that, then that’s her problem to deal with. You’re not responsible for her behavior (and considering how respectful you’ve been of her so far, I can’t help noting that her behavior hasn’t exactly been awesome, either.) And whether or not he likes you, it’s better that you know what’s going on, and that he knows how he’s coming off. Find out where you stand, so that you can move forward.

And have faith, sweet pea: Whatever happens, I know you’ll be able to deal with it the way you’ve dealt with everything else: honestly, maturely, and with remarkable grace.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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