Auntie SparkNotes: I’m Scared of How Angry I Get

Dear Auntie,

Last night, when my dad told me that I couldn’t take my phone upstairs to my room, I got so angry that I ripped my headphones in half. In-freaking-half. I had a total “Hulk” moment and it scared the crap out of me. I mean honestly, I have noodle arms, I’ve never lifted a weight in my life (except for when it was required for gym). Also, once my mother was talking to me in the car (asking me how my day was and what I wanted for dinner) and suddenly I was so angry that I wanted to punch my mom in the face.

That is not who I am.

I am not a violent person, and most of the time I’m really agreeable, but lately… well…

My dad has major anger problems, like throwing a lighter across the room and breaking things, thankfully, he’s never laid a hand on anyone from my family. But he’s still scary, and I’m worried that I’m turning into him, like he has a disease and I managed to catch it.

So far I’ve managed to keep my rage under wraps, I haven’t hurt anyone or said anything, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I feel like a volcano that is moments away from exploding. I already see a counselor for my issues with anxiety, and I’ve talked to her about my anger, but none of the techniques she gives me work. Only time can calm me down and that just isn’t going to work for me.

A friend of mine is really good at calming me down, but I’ve never actually freaked out in front of her. Like, I mention things that piss me off and she puts a positive spin on it or something. What if she hates my anger or is afraid of me?

I’m so afraid that I’m going to hurt someone.

What can I do?

Two things, Sparkler.

First, you can (and probably should) remind yourself that there’s a reason why it’s called “anger management,” and not “anger eradication.” It’s not that you can’t also work on making yourself less angry to begin with; it’s just that the techniques you’re learning from your therapist are aimed at helping you handle the anger you do feel in a way that leaves your relationships unbroken, your property un-destroyed, your walls un-punched-through, and your cat un-hurled across the room in a fit of rage. So if there’s a technique in there that’s kept you from lashing out inappropriately—or one that would help on that front, given a chance—then they’re actually working pretty well.

It’s just that they’re not enough on their own to put your mind at ease, which brings us to Thing #2: going back to your therapist, and explaining that you don’t just want to manage your anger but to experience less of it.

The good news is that there are certain things you can do to reduce the amount of time you spent in a state of rage. For one thing, anger and anxiety tend to go hand-in-hand, so successfully coping with the latter means you’ll likely see an improvement in the former, too. For another, you can work to identify the situations that trigger you and find ways to avoid or defuse them before the anger takes hold. And of course, you can make a point to take care of yourself by addressing the physical factors that contribute to good emotional health: eating well, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep.

The bad news, however, is that you’re always going to have more control over how you deal with your feelings than you do over your feelings themselves. Anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration: these are part of the human condition, unpleasant as they may be, and it’s just not realistic or reasonable to think you can avoid them entirely.

Which is why the most important thing is not that you rid yourself of anger, but that when you experience it, you cope with it by taking a time-out, a walk, or a few deep breaths, rather than by hurling objects across the room. That’s what it looks like to be an emotionally healthy person—not to never have negative feelings, but to be capable of handling them when they come up. So if the best you can do when you get angry is to realize that you are, and take steps to avoid lashing out? You’ll be doing very well, and you can be proud of yourself for it.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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