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Auntie SparkNotes: I’m Sick of Being Stereotyped

Dear Auntie,

I’m an eighth grader about to depart to a new high school. I’m a right leaning moderate and a Christian. Why is this an issue? Well, due to the fact I don’t agree with liberals, people at my school people assumed the following:

1. I think woman are not equal to men
2. I’m homophobic
3. I believe global warming is a hoax
4. I believe everyone else is going to hell

None of these things are true, but people believe them simply because of the labels I’ve given myself. I almost lost a friend to my beliefs on homosexuality (we had the argument in third quarter and we just started talking again, two weeks from the end of the school year), and I’ve been called a woman-hater for my stance on abortion and been called stupid and uninformed for being a Christian. However, in middle school I was a very nice person and no one has really ever held a grudge against me regardless. So it wasn’t a problem in middle school. But, enter high school…

I chose to go to a very liberal high school due to the fact there are certain people at my old school I need to get away from. How do I survive in high school without stereotypes getting hurled at me because of what I believe, without changing what I believe? I’m a friendly person and I want to make friends at a new school without stereotypes getting in my way.

Well, of course you do, Sparkler. And if that were the true heart of your problem, it would be very frustrating indeed.

But therein, as they say, lies the rub: That’s not what’s happening here at all. You say that people are pre-judging you without knowing the truth about your views, yet two of the three incidents you use as examples are evidence of exactly the opposite. You even said it yourself: You nearly lost a friend to your beliefs on homosexuality. That person wasn’t making assumptions based on your identity at all, but reacting to your views as you expressed them during your argument. Ditto the angry response to your stance on abortion; calling you a woman-hater might have been rude and unfair, but whoever said that to you was saying it in response to your stated beliefs, not some strawman fantasy thereof.

In short, darling, neither of these scenarios are cases of stereotyping. It’s your views people find offensive, not your labels.

Which brings us to my first piece of advice: That you learn to recognize the difference between being persecuted and being disagreed with. Seriously, if you do nothing else, please do this. It is a vitally important skill that will save you a lot of angst in the years to come, and it is also how you’ll make and keep friends with whom you don’t see eye to eye on every last social and/or economic issue.

Because when you understand that it’s your ideas and not your identity that someone is objecting to, you’ll be able to discuss your disagreements without taking every contradictory opinion as a personal attack. You’ll be engaging intellectually, rather than defensively, having the kind of conversations that lead to deeper understanding (which may or may not include seeing your own views evolve as you consider other people’s thoughts and perspectives.) And hopefully, you’ll be able to make peace with the fact that just as you have the right to your beliefs, other people have the right to believe you’re wrong about them, and may judge your character accordingly—particularly if you express them in a way that’s hurtful and/or inconsiderate. (Pro tip: No matter how polite you think you’re being, it sounds like your opinions on homosexuality are probably the type that actual gay people and their friends and find deeply dehumanizing and upsetting, which means that if you’re not willing to reconsider them, you should at least have the decency to be judicious about when and with whom you share them.)

The good news is, if you really are a friendly person—and more importantly, a person who treats others with kindness and respect even when you disagree—then you’ll have no trouble making friends with your classmates. And if you commit to doing the work of discussing and debating your beliefs on their own merits, rather than letting your chosen labels do the talking for you, you’ll never have to worry about being seen as pile of stereotypes before you’re seen as a human being.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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