Auntie SparkNotes: I’m Totally Left Out of College Hookup Culture

Dearest Auntie,

I’m a college sophomore and a lesbian. College is going great except for one thing: the hookup culture.

Last year, YikYak was really popular on campus. On weekend nights, many of the Yaks there were from people asking for hookups. I joined the party, saying things like, “Any lesbians dtf?” (And yes, we have a pretty decent non-straight female population here.)

Back then, out of the countless times I sent out Yaks, only one girl responded. I got to hook up with her last year (yay!), but we could only do it once because she was a busy senior. Now, she’s already graduated and across the country in her new job (yay for her).

I was hoping that sophomore year would be luckier for me……until YikYak decided to not let anyone be anonymous anymore. Because of this, everyone went off of it (including me). So now, I’m basically hopeless on weekend nights.

“But LW,” you say, “why not just get Tinder?” Because Tinder is not anonymous, and I don’t have a Facebook account (nor do I care for one.).

“But LW, isn’t there an LGBT center on campus?” Yes, but everyone there is familiar with me, and it would be embarrassing to ask someone who I knew if they are interested in sex with no strings attached. I’m also really uncomfortable asking strangers face-to-face if they wanna hook up. Either way, I know I would make the other person extremely uncomfortable if I just asked if they wanted to hook up. (Also, that’s sexual harrassment, isn’t it?)

“But LW, why not try to pick someone up at a party?” Because I have no way of telling if the other girl is into girls. Even then, she may not be interested in me, and congrats! I’m a huge creep now!

What’s a thirsty lesbian to do, Auntie? I see hetero couples meet up to hook up all the time, but I’m left out.

Well, okay. Yes, Sparkler, I suppose you are—in the same way that a person who locks themselves into the bathroom at a birthday party and staunchly refuses to come out is “left out” from getting to eat cake with the rest of the guests. The fact that your exclusion is self-inflicted doesn’t change the outcome.

It does, however, make it profoundly silly when you start complaining that you don’t have any cake—and that the very prospect of getting some is hopeless, woe, alas—when the only thing standing between you and some buttercream-frosted deliciousness is a bunch of baloney excuses as to why you can’t open the door, grab a plate, and ask for a slice just like everyone else.

Because geez, kid. I’m not sure how you imagine things work for the hetero couples you see hooking up, but I promise you, they do not simply manifest in each other’s bedrooms out of thin air when someone clicks their heels three times and says “There’s no place like penis!” Every last one of those folks is working within the same hookup parameters that you’ve deemed unacceptable and/or impossible, whether it’s being semi-out in the open on dating apps, or floating the idea of being friends-with-benefits to a flirty acquaintance, or going to a party with their down-to-[expletive] face on and seeing who responds positively to their advances. (None of which even remotely constitutes sexual harassment, by the way. Harassment requires knowledge and intent; it’s what happens when you keep going after someone who’s already told you that your advances are unwelcome. Otherwise, asking someone if they’d like to hook up with you is just that: asking. It doesn’t make you a creep. And the kind of person who would suggest otherwise—the ones who treat another person’s interest like an insult or a threat rather than just putting on their grownup pants and saying “No—are the kind of self-absorbed asshats who don’t deserve to be naked with anyone, ever.)

And look, I totally understand that this is hard for you in ways that it might not be if your sexual orientation was something else. You do have a smaller dating pool to choose from by virtue of being a sexual minority, and unlike straight girls, you don’t have the luxury of sitting back and letting a thousand years of gender norms work their magic to send willing partners your way. (This probably isn’t lost on you, but this bind you’re in vis-a-vis playing the sexual aggressor is the same one that heterosexual guys have been coping with since the dawn of time, more or less.) But them’s the breaks, my friend, and it doesn’t change your options. You can try your luck with one of them, and perhaps get very lucky indeed, or you can sit on your hands and make excuses not to try, in which case you will definitely not succeed.

So, with that in mind, here is my suggestion to you: to compromise in the place where you’d be giving up the least ground, and straying the least far from your comfort zone, and let the digital world work its magic to connect you with what you’re looking for. You were already cool with soliciting partners on YikYak—partners to whom you might have been anonymous at first, but who you always intended to meet face-to-face. It’s hardly a huge step beyond that to get on an app like Tinder (or Hinge, or Bumble, or OkCupid, or [insert your preferred search result for “lesbian dating app” here]), and setting your preferences to “casual hookups” so that you can match with people who are looking for the same thing you are. (Also, if casual sex is all you’re after, then you might want to open up your criteria to include bi girls instead of just lesbians, which will make the pool you’re fishing in a whoooole lot bigger.)

Of course, if you don’t want to do that, you don’t have to. The loss of total anonymity and/or the risk of awkward rejection are just your price of entry to the world of casual hookups with other girls who like girls; it’s still totally up to you to decide if that’s a price you’re willing to pay or not. Just realize that it is your decision. The biggest thing standing between you and a sexually gratifying college experience is your own reluctance to seek one out. And if you can get a little bit brave, then getting lucky shouldn’t be far behind.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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