Auntie SparkNotes: Is This Girl Being a Jerk to Me on Purpose?
Dear Auntie,
I’m a female freshman in high school and I have this problem with a girl in my class. Let’s call her Georgia. She is really popular, outspoken, and well liked. I think that she seems like a really nice person. These are just facts so that I can explain my dilemma better.
Anyway, to the point: Georgia misunderstands everything I say, and I can’t tell if she does it on purpose or not. She never does it when she’s actually talking to me, but if I have to give a presentation that I feel needs more background information, like “This poem is about summer in South Dakota so some of you might not get it” (because where we live isn’t similar to South Dakota) she immediately says “Not everyone has lived here their entire lives, you know.” I never intentionally try to be demeaning, but I’m afraid that I come off that way sometimes, and I’m worried that she (and more importantly all of the other less outspoken people in my class) might be misunderstanding me because of it.
If she is doing this on purpose, I doubt that she’s doing it out of jealousy. I can only think of one reason that she might be jealous, and it doesn’t make much sense. Halfway through the year, we got a new history teacher. Everyone likes him because he is really relaxed and explains everything in a way that it relates to us. After a few good projects, he started to notice me, and now I’m one of his favorite students. All of my other teachers notice the “smart kids,” but they always choose Georgia to do the important jobs, (which doesn’t bother anyone else too much, but I kind of wish that they would distribute their favoritism more evenly among all of us. I go to school with lots of really smart people, but everyone else barely gets noticed, no matter the subject.)
Although I think that Georgia is a nice person, I get the feeling that she really doesn’t like me. If I ever say anything that isn’t exactly right, or if I say something self-deprecating in a joking manner to someone else, she takes me seriously and gives me a really hard time about it. I have had problems with other girls purposely misunderstanding me before, but Georgia doesn’t seem like she’s trying to misunderstand me. I don’t know what I should do about this, or if I can do anything at all. Is she trying to misunderstand me on purpose? And is it wrong for me to appreciate being recognized for my work by a teacher even though it also means that someone else isn’t recognized as much? What should I do to clear up my miscommunications?
Not a thing, Sparkler. Not a ding-dang thing.
Because based on your description, the problem here isn’t you. After all, you interact on a daily basis with friends, teachers, family, etc., and somehow, all of them manage to pick up what you’re putting down without any undue confusion. Even if you don’t always express yourself perfectly, it sounds like your communication skills are well within the spectrum of normal, healthy, and fully functioning.
It’s just that it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it when there’s a party present who is determined to take everything you say the wrong way.
Or in other words, I don’t think this actually comes down to you being a poor communicator. The problem, to put it bluntly, is that your classmate is kind of a jackass.
And when you refer to her behavior as “misunderstanding,” I suspect that you’re being a tad too generous. Georgia is obviously a smart and socially savvy girl; even when you don’t express yourself as articulately as you could, she almost certainly understands why, for instance, a person might preface a poetry reading by talking about what inspired the work. (Although for the record, you could stand to find a better way of saying that than “Some of you might not get it,” which does kind of imply that you think your audience is both stupid and unimaginative. Just say what the poem is about.)
It’s just that if Georgia were to extend a little generosity in your direction, and give you the benefit of the doubt when you make a verbal misstep that you didn’t mean it that way, she’d be missing an opportunity to assert herself as a smug, self-aggrandizing little bully while putting you down in the process. And since putting you down is apparently what this girl lives for, to the point where she’ll interject herself into conversations she’s not a part of just to correct and harangue you (!), there’s no way she’s gonna pass that up.
Which is the bad news, obviously. If your classmate has appointed herself to the job of finding fault with everything you say, she’ll continue to find ways to do it; the only way you’ll avoid being misunderstood by her is to stop speaking at all. But that’s why I’d like to suggest to you that clearing things up with Georgia is neither a worthy nor attainable goal. You have better things to do than explain yourself to someone who’s already made up her mind that everything you do is wrong.
Instead, how about this: Since you worry that you might be coming off as condescending to your classmates, use this opportunity to examine how you communicate and make any necessary adjustments so that your execution is more in line with your intent. (Or if you’re unsure, ask a trusted friend to tell you honestly if something you say comes off the wrong way.) But at the same time, if you don’t seem to have this problem when you interact with people generally, and only this one particular person ever seems to misunderstand you, then it’s okay to write her off as a hater and go about your business. And if you can do that while enjoying the positive attention of a supportive teacher for your hard work, then hey, even better! Not only is there nothing wrong with it, but you can even take a little bit of pleasure in the part where it obviously drives Georgia crazy.
Just a little, though.
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