Auntie SparkNotes: Living With My Bigoted Family Is Driving Me Nuts

Dear Auntie,

I’m 22, still live with my family, and hate going to church. I’m not an atheist or an agnostic, but my spiritual views do not conform to the intolerance spewed by the priest every weekend. I am also bisexual, a fact known to everyone except my quite religious and conservative parents. I feel like these sermons are an endurance test, marathons of sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia, and homophobia. In addition to being bi, I have friends who are atheists and trans people, so to hear them insulted in this way is infuriating. Some days I get physically ill from attending, but I hide it because I don’t want my parents to worry that I’m some “prodigal child.” They know I virulently disagree with the priest’s bigoted views, but they generally sympathize more with him and tell me, “If you ever want to be mature, you’ll have to accept their views” as the priest claims anyone outside the Church is hellbound and deranged. Oh and he claims women are “more easily controlled by Satan”—and I’m supposed to respect his opinion, now? I shake with anger during the mass.

My parents and grandparents, who I love dearly, are very Catholic and very Republican. While I would not be abused or kicked out of the house if I came out to them, I know they would either claim I’m a liar trying to rebel against them or they would take it badly. They’ll say it’s a phase—even though I am 22 and have had crushes on girls as well as guys since I was 14. Heck, I was dating this guy who I saw only as a friend, so we broke up much to his sadness (though we’re still pals) and it took my mother six months before she stopped insisting I was just “scared” but secretly really into him. She thinks I’m still some kid because I did not start dating until my senior year of college and also because I am relatively slow to open up to people. But when mom, dad, grandpa, and grandma say these ignorant things against same sex marriage or LGBTQ+ people in general, they have no clue how much it’s hurting me and I want to tell them in the hopes that it will shut them up or make them understand. But I know once that cat is out the bag, there’s no recapturing it. Still keeping it bottled up will take its toll, I know that.

So I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to get through graduate school as soon as possible, get a job, and then leave. I love my family for all their shortcomings, but I cannot stand this pressure on my brain anymore. I feel like an adult in name only, unable to live as myself or say what I believe, but I haven’t enough money to live on my own yet. My current salary is poured immediately into the next semester’s tuition and textbooks. How can I get through the next three to four years of school without going crazy in my own house?

For starters, how about realizing that you don’t actually have to?

Because when you say that you feel like you’re unable to live authentically or speak your mind, Auntie SparkNotes is duty-bound to point out that you’re totally wrong about that. After all, darling, nobody is stopping you from doing these things. You’re perfectly capable of coming out, of skipping church, of contributing a different perspective on LGBT issues to the conversations that take place in your house; and for that matter, you’re perfectly capable of finding somewhere else to live. You’ve just chosen not to, because you’ve concluded that being more open around your folks isn’t worth the irritation of being questioned and invalidated—at least as long as you’re living under their roof (and presumably rent-free.)

And that’s a perfectly valid choice! You have every right to weigh your options and set your priorities in this way, which is a way that so many young people do when they’re negotiating the tricky territory between legally becoming an adult versus really living as one. Some do what you’ve done, and decide that staying at home and not rocking the boat is worth it for what they get out of the deal; some make the opposite choice, because nothing is more important to them than living out in the open, even if it means creating conflict or subjecting themselves to disapproval. And of course, most people who make this choice wish they didn’t have to; in a perfect world, they wouldn’t have to. But a choice doesn’t become less of a choice just because you wish you had better options. Your current situation is one you walked into with eyes wide open.

Which I am telling you not to be harsh or to make you feel bad, but to make you realize that you are not powerless. The fact that you chose this particular path, and this particular life, means that you can also choose a different one if it isn’t working for you anymore. And considering how unhappy you are, maybe it’s time to consider shaking things up.

In other words: You hate your church? Then perhaps you should stop going, or at least stop going to this church, and look for another Catholic church in the area where the priest in charge is less fire-and-brimstone-and-sodomy-y (and perhaps more in line ideology-wise with the cool, progressive new Pope). And if your parents balk, then ask yourself: Are you willing to stand up to them vis-a-vis the “maturity” of conforming to a view of humanity that goes utterly against your moral code? Why or why not? And if not now, when, if ever, will you be ready to take that step? How important is it to you that your parents not think of you as a prodigal child? How does its importance compare to the importance of, say, not spending several hours every weekend feeling like you’re about to explode with rage? What if the only way to earn their good opinion is to conform in every way to expectations you know you can’t meet? Is there a point at which you’ll stop trying? Is there a line you won’t cross to ensure Mom and Dad’s approval?

And for that matter, what if you decided to recalibrate your priorities, putting more weight on the satisfaction of speaking your mind and less on your parents’ opinion? Because you can do that, too, darling—and perhaps you should. You may not have the means to attend grad school and live independently at the same time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t think and speak for yourself, and stop obsessing and fretting over what other people think of you. You can be more yourself at home; you can speak up when you disagree with what’s being said; you can do what’s right, according to your own values, even if it’s not what your folks would prefer. Your parents’ approval and understanding would be a nice thing to have, yes, but you don’t need it, and being able to live without it is not just a mark of maturity, but a vital life skill.

Needless to say, you have some thinking to do and some choices to make. But whatever you decide, and even if you decide not to change anything about how you approach your family, please remember that you did decide. There is power, and resilience, in knowing that the path you’re on is the one you chose. And if nothing else, reminding yourself that you’re in control should give you the strength you need to tough it it out until you’re ready to choose differently.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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