Auntie SparkNotes: My BF Froze Me Out So That I Would Dump Him

Dear Auntie,

I’m at a loss right now. I had been dating my incredible boyfriend for eight months—my first boyfriend, we’re both recently 19. The first seven months was a literal fairy tale. He got on with my family, we were a perfect support system for each other, we were loyal and trusted each-other, we were handling a long distance situation with grace and determination, we had fantastic sex. Everything was great. We were so in love.

And then in the last month or so things changed. He suddenly had no time to talk to me over Skype, even just for 15 minutes. He said work was too stressful and he was too tired. He only works four days a week. I saw him on my birthday. Something was so off, he would barely look at me or touch me and we hadn’t seen each other in a month. A week later, he tells me he needs to take a break for his own health, and because he doesn’t feel like he can give me the time and attention right now that I deserve. I didn’t want to take a break, but I agreed because I love him and was more than willing to give space if that was what he needed.

Meanwhile, he’s still treating me like his girlfriend, telling me he loves me and calling me pet names and stuff. I told him that while of course I don’t mind the attention and that I love him, it was confusing for me because I thought we were on a break. He apologized, said it was a force of habit, and said that he would be more aware of his actions. The next day, he revealed to me that he had cheated on me with a girl he met at work. They kissed once, sent pics and were hanging out for two weeks. I decided to forgive him, because he spent three hours begging me to take him back. I am of the opinion that otherwise good people can make stupid mistakes, and loved him too much to not give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he had to be more willing to Skype and actually talk to me, and he promised. He kept that up for about four days. Fast forward to about two weeks after the confession of cheating. He had been refusing to Skype with me again, and at this point I confronted him about it because I was feeling like he didn’t even care about me if he couldn’t Skype with me once a week, which was all I was asking. He started lecturing me about the “adult world”, (like I don’t know, I’m a full-time college student with scholarships and a part-time job, meanwhile he works at a car wash four days a week) tells me that he still loves me but that I am a distraction. So I broke up with him.

Five days later, I find out from a mutual friend that his feelings for me have been fading for a month or so, and that he just wasn’t in love with me anymore. Then she tells me that he recently confessed he has feelings for her and has the whole time we were together. And I looked at his Snapchat story today ( I know, I don’t know why I did that) and they were kissing. We broke up six days ago.

Now here’s the thing, Auntie; it sucks, but I understand that sometimes feelings that were once there go away, especially in long distance situations. He is allowed to feel that way, and I told him so! Once when he asked for a break, and again when he told me he cheated. I told him that if he just wasn’t feeling this anymore he could break up with me, and while I would be sad, obviously, I wouldn’t be mad at him. People can’t help how they feel. But he INSISTED he was still in love with me and strung me along. He didn’t even have the decency to give me some closure in the relationship- his new girlfriend felt bad for me and told me what was happening. I’m just so lost and confused. I loved this person so much. And now I’m lost and empty. Please help.

Oh, how I wish I could.

But alas, Sparkler, there’s nothing I can tell you that will make this situation anything other than what it is, which is a big, stinking mire full of ugly truths about how badly human beings sometimes treat each other. You’ve been jerked around and terribly let down, and that hurts. It always hurts. I’m sorry.

With that said, though, I will tell you this: You did what you could to encourage your boyfriend to be honest, and you’re to be commended for that. But even with you holding that door open, he still had to be the one to walk through it — and, clearly, he couldn’t. Which is awful, but also not unusual. It is painful and terrible to be dumped, but being the one to initiate the breakup is hard, too. And in a scenario like yours, it takes a level of maturity, courage, and self-awareness that a lot of people just don’t have, especially when they’re young and inexperienced.

You, of course, are an exception: Not only did you make a thoughtful and considered decision to give this guy another chance after he cheated, but you were strong enough to call it quits when it became clear that the cheating was just the tip of the iceberg — and you did that despite how much you still loved him and wished that things could have worked out. You probably don’t realize how rare and astonishing that is. (When Auntie SparkNotes was 19, I not only lacked the strength to demand respect from my boyfriends, but spent the better part of a year desperately trying to make things work with a guy who never hugged me, forgot my birthday, and pretended not to see me when we passed each other on campus. I bow to you in awe, young grasshopper.)

But alas, Sparkler, where you are poised and mature and brave and strong enough to handle an emotionally difficult task, your boyfriend is… not. Because your boyfriend was, and is, the King Weenie of Planet Wussbag.

And if you use that as your framework for reflecting on this relationship—if you think back on everything that happened, and at every juncture, ask yourself, “What would King Weenie of Planet Wussbag do?”—I think you’ll find that you no longer find the outcome confusing at all.

Because where a thoughtful, decent, mature person would gut up and do the difficult thing, King Weenie of Planet Wussbag would do exactly the opposite. King Weenie of Planet Wussbag would find any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his feelings. King Weenie of Planet Wussbag will tell himself that he can’t break up with you because it’s your birthday next week; and then he’ll chicken out and say “break” when what he really means is “breakup”; and then he’ll be rude and distant and condescending and cold and just generally a total garbage person, all in the hopes that you will step up to the plate and dump him, all because he lacks the basic courage to say, “I don’t love you anymore.”

That’s what King Weenie of Planet Wussbag would do. And more to the point, that’s what King Weenie of Planet Wussbag did. Your boyfriend’s behavior was awful, but it makes perfect sense—if you keep in mind that he’s a total coward whose number one priority was to spare himself a conversation that would make him feel like the bad guy.

And if that makes you angry, then good. It’s absolutely normal and natural and appropriate that you’d feel that way. You did everything right, and in return, you got your time wasted and your heart broken by a cowardly, callow dude. But please, sweet pea, do not feel lost about it. This is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. And because you are mature, brave, and strong beyond your years, you will find your way through this painful moment—and eventually, you’ll find happiness with someone who has the courage and maturity to deserve you. Hang in there.

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