Auntie SparkNotes: My BFF Has a Secret

Dear Auntie,
My best friend has this secret that everyone else seems to be privy to except me. I don’t know the exact details but it seems to me she has this crush on a guy? I could only make a conclusion on what I’ve gathered from observation and eavesdropping (yes, I know, that’s creepy, pathetic, weird and all sorts of wrong).

I wouldn’t mind at all if she simply chose not to tell me for whatever reason—that’s her right. What hurts me is that people who aren’t as close to her as I am to her seem to know all about it—even a girl who my best friend has explicitly said to me that she doesn’t really like. People tease my friend about the secret and she laughs and blushes, but since I’m spying on their conversation out of curiosity I can’t interject and ask what’s up.

I just can’t get over the fact that she would talk about it to other people and fail to tell me. I also kind of think she doesn’t want me to know and that upsets me. I know she does consider me as a best friend since she constantly refers to me as such and I say the same about her, but now I’m re-thinking every aspect of our friendship and wondering if it was all fake. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable being around her since I can’t stop thinking about it. What should I do?

Um, ask her?

I mean, not to give you the no-duh answer here, Sparkler, but come on! This is your best friend! And if this untold secret has become such a big deal that you’re doubting your entire relationship and struggling to be normal around her, then surely it’s time to talk it out with her—or at least try to, before you allow the weight of your unspoken resentment to crush the friendship to death.

So, the next time you have an opportunity to speak to your friend privately, say to her what you’ve said to me: “I can’t help noticing that something seems to be going on with you that everyone knows about except for me. You don’t have to tell me what it is, but this isn’t like you and it hurts to feel excluded. What’s going on? Have I done something to lose your trust?”

And please note: at no point are you going to actually insist on being told whatever the big secret is—partly because she is entitled to keep things private if she wants to, but also because it’s beside the point. Having a secret is okay; rubbing someone’s face in the fact that they’re suddenly not part of your trusted inner circle is not. The thing that hurts you, and the thing you and your friend need to talk about, is the way everyone (including her, it seems) is making sure you know that there’s something you’re not being told. And hopefully, you’ll get a productive conversation out of it (if not an instant apology).

HOWEVER. Once you open this can of worms, you’re going to need to be prepared for whatever comes spilling out—which is to say, you can’t go beserk or get defensive if your friend’s response is surprising, upsetting, or even straight-up shocking. And on that note, crazy as this may sound, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that there’s one obvious explanation for your friend’s behavior: what are the chances that her secret crush is you, and that’s why she’s being so cagey about it when you, specifically, are present?

You know better than me whether that’s likely or not, but let’s just say that it would certainly explain a thing or two about the way this has all played out in a classic teen-movie cliche sort of way—particularly the part where people are always teasing her about it in front of you. Either way, it’s something you can at least keep in mind as part and parcel of the advice not to freak out if it turns out there’s a reason why your friend is acting so unlike herself.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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