Auntie SparkNotes: My BFF Hates My Boyfriend

Dear Auntie,

I have a problem and it involves a boy. The boy isn’t the problem, however. The problem is my friend. We are very close, probably too close. But she doesn’t like my boyfriend. For the sake of narrative, let’s call the boy “Will” and my friend “Polly.”

Polly doesn’t like Will. That’s not the problem though. She doesn’t have to like him—he’s my boyfriend, not Polly’s. Never mind that Will treats me extremely well, we enjoy a very mutually respectful, mature and growing relationship. Polly is concerned though. She is worried that Will might hurt me. She thinks he has a fake accent. She says she can’t “warm” to him. Which is stupid because she likes everyone until given reason not to like them. Her latest thing is that she thinks Will was “rude” to me at my sister’s wedding (in which I was maid of honor and he was a groomsman) because he didn’t want to dance with me. Sure I was disappointed, but I could tell that being on the dance floor made him really uncomfortable so I didn’t push it. She even went so far as to say that “I looked pathetic following Will around all evening,” which was hurtful, and I am fairly confident was untrue. All her reasons are stupid, in my opinion.

I have asked her many times to trust me, or to trust the judgement of my family (all of whom like and trust Will) and, failing that, just to accept that Will is in my life to stay for now. I’ve reminded her that the risk of being hurt is inherent to relationships, and that not getting into a relationship because of fear is a bigger tragedy than being hurt by one. But she can’t. She refuses to give him a chance. She accuses me of not telling her about him (because apparently that’s what friends do) if I don’t, but gets all pissy when I do try to talk about him. She refused my offer for me to organize some time for them to get to know each other (I suggested a board game afternoon with my sisters and two of their boyfriends, who she loves) and then she says she feels like I haven’t given her the opportunity to meet him. She said she thought it was a bit “slutty” of me to be sleeping with him after three months in a relationship and then proceeded to ignore me for an entire day until I burst into tears and her mother demanded to know what the hell her problem was.

Polly is in the middle of a hard time – she has been diagnosed with endometritis, and studies at a university two hours away but still lives at home so she can work. Her father died when she was around ten and her mother has recently begun seeing someone, which she can’t cope with, and I believe she has an anxiety disorder that she seems to have focused onto me and my relationship with Will. I have been encouraging her to see a counselor but she is so far refusing.

I have tried so hard to be a good friend to her, since I knew that she was worried that I’d drift away from her when I began this relationship. But Polly accuses me of drifting away despite all the essays I have helped her with, the time I have spent proofreading her assignments, the hours I’ve spent listening to her vent about her course and the doctors appointments I have attended with her.

From what I’ve said it sounds like Polly has no redeeming qualities. But I love her dearly and she helped me enormously when I was going through a rough patch a couple of years ago. Without her and my mom I don’t know where I’d be.

I have tried talking to her and it hasn’t worked. It’s like talking to a brick wall. She can’t accept that maybe she is allowing her preconceptions color what she’s seeing, she can’t accept that I have tried really hard to be a good friend and she won’t admit that perhaps she could work bit harder at catching up with me. I have suggested we make plans in advance rather than spontaneously as we used to, and she says okay but it’s like talking to a wall—nothing seems to sink in.

I don’t even know what I want you to say Auntie. I guess I just need reassurance that I’m not a terrible person, that I’ve done what I can. I don’t want to cut ties with her, I feel like if she could get some help she might be able to see more clearly and be able to handle her unreasonable dislike of Will. I deserve to be able to pursue a relationship without her making me feel bad, right? What else can I do? Nothing seems to be working and I’m tired of being made to feel bad when I don’t deserve it.

I’ve got one word for you, Sparkler: BOUNDARIES.

Because for the love of everything, dude, of course you’re not a terrible person. And you’ve done your best to deal with this situation in every non-terrible way available! You have reasoned, suggested, explained, cajoled, pleaded, and pandered far beyond the bounds that friendship and decency require.

It’s just that none of it makes any difference when the person you’re pleading with refuses to cooperate.

But that’s why it’s time to try something new, and boundaries are your best remaining option. You need to draw a series of lines in every part of your life where your friend is prone to overstepping—and then, you need to gently but firmly insist she stay on the appropriate side of them.

By slapping her in the face with a salmon every time she gets ornery.

Just kidding.

Although at this point, if you wanted to do that, I don’t think anyone would blame you.

And just for the record, it’s not hard to guess why Polly is acting the way she is—and what she’s acting like, basically, is an abusive partner. Her dislike of your boyfriend has nothing to do with him; it’s all to do with the fact that he’s competition for your time and affection. She feels abandoned. And like any insecure, possessive, controlling person, she’s trying to reel you back in by undermining your other relationships as well as your confidence in them; thus the awful things she’s said about you being pathetic, slutty, etc.

That doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with her, of course. If this relationship brings something to your life that’s too important to lose, then it’s your prerogative to continue it. But in order to do that, and to do it in a way that doesn’t compromise your own emotional health, you need to be real with yourself about the fact that she’s manipulative and abusive, and stop trying to mend your relationship within the deeply messed-up framework she’s laid out for it. You’re the boss now, okay?

In practice, here’s what this means: You’re going to get real comfortable, and real familiar, with the words “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

If she accuses you of abandoning her: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m doing my best to be a good friend to you.”

If she starts criticizing your relationship: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is my choice and I don’t have to defend it to you.”

And if she tries to push or escalate, on either front: “This is not up for discussion. Let’s talk about something else.” (To be followed by your actual, physical exit from the room if she won’t let it go.)

Be kind, be firm, and above all, be consistent. And do not under any circumstances try to reason with her, or defend your choices, or tie yourself in knots attempting to smooth things over and change her mind. All of that is just rewarding her manipulation with attention.

For the record, none of this is going to be easy. Also for the record, you can fully expect Polly to react badly when you first start setting boundaries with her, and she realizes that you’re no longer in the business of catering to her insecurities. You’ll need to be ready for that, and to be strong enough to ride it out, no matter how much she punishes you for it. That part is non-negotiable, okay? Holding the line, and refusing to engage when things turn abusive, is the only way to have a working relationship with a person who behaves in toxic ways.

And of course, it’s your best shot at encouraging her to stop being so toxic, which she’ll hopefully come around to doing.

But that’s secondary; your peace of mind comes first, and it comes not from Polly changing her behavior, but from you changing how you react to it. It only takes one person to establish some healthy distance in a relationship. She can’t make you feel bad without your consent. And if you allow yourself to disengage when she gets manipulative, and stop wasting your energy trying to play that unwinnable game, you’ll be in a better, happier place whether she decides to join you there or not.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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