Auntie SparkNotes: My BFF Is Ignoring Me For Her GF

Dear Auntie,

I have a major problem. My best friend is dating this girl and basically ignoring me. I have made the excuse of “I’m not happy but only because I don’t like her,” to my BFF. She told me she didn’t care, which kind of hurt my feelings. The truth is I feel left out. I told her this once and she told me I have to remember it’s her first time actually dating someone.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand. But I’m a person who expects loyalty from her. We’ve been friends for over eleven years, and we’ve always been attached at the hip. I was the one she held hands with and I was the one who she told all her secrets to. It’s not like I like her. I just miss being her favorite person.

Now I’m just in the back because she’s talking to her GF. The worst part is, I’m not being dramatic. Once I was over at her house and all she did was facetime and talk to her girlfriend THE WHOLE TIME. She hasn’t been hanging out with me for a whole month. SHE MADE ME HOLD ONTO THEIR HANDS SO HER MOM WOULDN’T SAY I WAS A THIRD WHEEL. (which I was!!!)

The other problem is last time I thought I lost her as a friend I almost killed myself. I’m scared because my depression is sneaking up on me again, but I don’t want to stop her from being happy. I’m not going as far as suicide again, but I’m worried about my illness getting out of hand.

I need help on how to approach the situation.

Before we go any further, Sparkler, let’s just get this part out of the way: If you’re truly on the verge of harming yourself, then your mental health and physical safety is your first priority—a priority that exists independently of your relationship with your friend, and that you need to tackle first.

That’s true no matter what. But it’s especially true when it seems that you possibly, maaaaaybe have a history of using your depression as an excuse for being manipulative or demanding in your relationships. The way it came trotting out there at the end of your letter is… well, not damning, but certainly interesting, in that it makes me wonder if it’s the kind of thing you might say to your friend. (Pro tip: If so, it’s also the kind of thing you want to stop saying to her, ASAP.)

But with the mental-health angle out of the way, here’s what jumps out at me about your letter: That your idea of “loyalty” leaves no room for this relationship—or the people in it—to grow, mature, and change. And that’s not going to work, kiddo. Even if your early friendship was a candy-colored fantasy in which you and Bestie spent your days skipping hand in hand through a field of daisies in tiny matching lederhosen, it was never going to be like that forever. Truly lasting friendships don’t even look exactly the same from year to year, let alone after more than a decade.

In other words, your friend is not wrong: You do need to remember that it’s her first time dating someone, and more specifically that the entry of anyone new and significant in her life means that her time and attention will be divided. That’s true now; it’ll be even more true as you both get olderK. And when Bestie called your bluff and said that she doesn’t care whether or not you like her girlfriend? I know it hurt your feelings, sweetheart, but she wasn’t wrong about that, either. If anything, you could learn something from her on that front about the importance of healthy boundaries.

And that’s my advice to you, at a moment when you’re right on the verge of driving a wedge between yourself and your favorite person. You have a choice: You can smother this friendship to death by refusing to let it change shape, or you can broaden your idea of “loyalty” to allow for the possibility of your friend loving other people, too. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you which one of these paths is more likely to let you keep the friendship that’s so important to you. When you throw a little understanding your friend’s way, you’re more likely to get that same understanding back when you express your legitimate disappointment at not seeing her — not in the form of complaining about your third-wheel status or griping about how much you hate her girlfriend, but with a simple, “It hurts my feelings when you spend all our time together texting someone else.”

I strongly suggest that you be forgiving enough to make this your MO.

And I also strongly suggest that you be wise enough to stop treating your friend’s relationship like something that is happening at your expense, because people who put themselves at odds with their BFFs SO are people who end up sobbing into a vat of cheese while scrolling through pics of themself and their now-former-bestie in happier times.

And when you feel jealous of the time Bestie is spending with her girlfriend, remind yourself that a really good friendship is one that allows the people in it to be people: to grow, to change, to stumble around and make mistakes, and particularly to go through the universal rite of passage wherein they get too wrapped up in a shiny new romance to realize that they’re being a butthead.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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