Auntie SparkNotes: My BFF Keeps Getting Back Together with Her Awful Ex

Hi Auntie,

I have an amazing best friend, who we’ll call Katie, who I’ve been close with since high school, though we’re now sophomores in college in different states. We talk every day about everything and know all of each others’ deep dark secrets—typical best friend stuff.

In high school, Katie was dating a boy who we’ll call Matt. They dated for almost two years and seemed to have a great relationship, but Matt broke up with Katie at the end of senior year knowing they’d be going to different colleges. Yes, Katie was heartbroken at first, but she seemed to get better as the summer went on. But then Matt reached back out to her about how much he missed her and didn’t care that they’d be at different schools, and by July they were back together.

For a little while this all seemed fine, but then at the end of their freshman year of college Matt dumped Katie again, saying he just didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. Katie was completely destroyed, and I was left to pick up the pieces once again. I told her she deserved better and convinced her to delete his number and not contact him again. But a couple months later while I was hanging out with her, he texted her again out of the blue. I told her over and over that she shouldn’t respond and that talking to him would only make things more painful, and she listened… until I was out of sight. As soon as she went home she texted him back, and within a week or so they were back together. Many of our friends and I told her it was a bad idea and that I was afraid she’d get hurt again, but she didn’t care She said he promised he’d changed, but there was no trust in their relationship and things were really rocky.

Fast forward a couple months and—you guessed it—Matt dumped Katie again (this is breakup #3 for those of you keeping score). She was completely devastated, but swore that this time it was really over. And I thought she really meant it, until last week when – guess what – he texted her again. And now they’re talking about getting back together. She didn’t even tell me; I had to find out about it through a mutual friend. She was afraid to tell me because she knew I’d disapprove.

I’ve tried my best to be a good friend to her through all this, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t count how many times I’ve hugged Katie while she’s cried her eyes out over this jerk and told her that she deserves better. All these breakups have made her extremely insecure, and I think she honestly thinks there’s no one else out there who would date her. I want to be there for her, but it’s hard for me to do that when she keeps going against my (and everyone else in her life’s) advice. I don’t want to see her hurt herself again, but I also don’t want to push her away by constantly telling her she’s doing the wrong thing. I’m frustrated and at my wit’s end. How can I help my friend see that getting back together with this guy is a terrible decision, without making her hate me in the process? Is it even possible?

Nope.

And let’s all just take a moment to groan with universal angst about that, shall we? Here, I’ll start:
GROOOOOOOOAAAAAN.

Because it is, truly, one of life’s most exquisitely awful experiences to watch a dear, sweet, beloved friend—a friend who deserves so much better than to waste her time with a noxious asshat—continually flinging herself into said asshat’s arms. The awfulness also jumps to a whole ‘nother level when, in addition to that, she wants you on standby to help her pick up the pieces when he breaks her heart.

Which he probably will! As you know from having seen the whole, sad drama play out a half dozen times already! It’s enough to make even the most loving and devoted friend want to swat her bestie in the face with a three-pound wet salmon at the next utterance of “But he’s different now!”

But alas, darling, I could spend all day validating your natural and understandable frustration, and it wouldn’t change a single solitary thing about the current state of affairs, nor the fact that there’s not much you can do but bite your tongue and tough it out. You’ve already discovered that voicing your objections to this guy won’t stop your BFF from loving him; the only thing it changes is her feelings towards you. The first rift between you has already opened up, in that your friend no longer feels she can be honest with you about her relationships. If nothing changes, that rift only gets bigger, until it’s a chasm filled with the million things that you guys no longer share with each other—and your former bestie is just a speck on the other side, barely recognizable.

You are going to change things, though. First and foremost, you’re going to sit your bestie down for some real talk, and say, in your own words: “I admit that I’ve been judgmental about your relationship with Matt. I don’t think he treats you with the respect you deserve, and I hate seeing you hurt. But I’m not going to say anything more about that. Just know that I’m still here for you, because however I feel about your boyfriend, I love you very much.”

That’s step one. Step two is accepting that people want who they want, whether or not it makes sense or is good for them, and then letting that be your cue to fully and finally disentangle yourself from your friend’s relationship.

Like so many best friends, you care deeply about this girl, and you’ve been trampling back and forth over the line between your business and hers to the point where you might not even remember where it is anymore—but it’s still there. Find it, note it, and stay on your side. Give yourself permission to care about Katie, without investing yourself to the point that you seek to control her life. Figure out the difference between support and advice, and from this point forward, give her the former while skipping the latter. She’s going to do what she wants, anyway, and when you’re not putting so much energy into “getting” her to do the right thing, you’ll have that much more energy left over to comfort her when things go wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all of this is a challenge. Just because someone has the right to stumble around in Dumb Decisionland, that doesn’t make it fun to watch. It’s frustrating, and so is bearing witness to a bestie going through an emotional wipeout you saw coming on day one. To love someone just as much as you respect her right to choose her choices—that’s not an easy balance to strike. But we do it for our friends, and especially for our amazing, bestest friends, because it’s worth it… and also because we know they’ll strive to do the same for us when it’s our turn to flail around and be idiots.

Which you should remind yourself of as often as necessary, when you get the urge to drive to her boyfriend’s house and beat him to death with a shoe.

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