Auntie SparkNotes: My BFF Will Dump Me if I Date Her Crush

Hi Auntie!

This must be very repetitive, as I know you get billions of drama letters a day (Okay, maybe not A BILLION, but about 40). But, alas, there is a male love interest and a best friend involved. Let us refer to the male as Crackers, and my best friend as Cheese. I have developed a very strong crush on Crackers, but Cheese also likes him. Cheese has made it very clear that if I were to get romantically involved with him, I would lose her friendship. Already, she has gotten angry with me when I accidentally mentioned him in a conversation.

That’s fine. Don’t get the Punishment Salmon out, but I am already used to being a doormat. Really, I would rather someone else be happy, even if it is at my own expense. But for once, I do not want to be trodden on and sad. I really like this boy, but at the same time I am scared to lose my amazing friend.

Cheese has made it quite obvious that she likes Crackers. She has made rather inappropriate comments to him about her fantasies involving him. But Crackers flirts with me constantly, and more than Cheese. On Valentine’s Day, he gave me stickers, and gave nothing to anyone else.

I feel like my relationship with Cheese is crumbling because of my crush. She has become more distant, angry, and cold now that I have told her about my love for Crackers. I am starting to think that I have deserved this for even thinking about a relationship with Crackers, but I am in need of some high-quality, adult, Auntie-Sparknotes style advice.

And you’re in luck, ’cause I’ve got some high-quality adult-style advice right here, in my special drawer full of high-quality adult-style stuff! It’s, uh, in here somewhere… perhaps under the seventeen packages of Sour Patch Kids and the signed photograph of Dwayne Johnson wearing a star-spangled thong.

But in all seriousness (said Auntie SparkNotes, as she wiped a discreet sprinkle of sour-sugar dust from Dwayne Johnson’s photogenic buttocks), I have good news and bad news. The good news, of course, is that it seems fairly obvious that your crush likes you back, which certainly puts you in a better position than the 99% of advice-seekers who have no earthly idea if their feelings are requited or not.

The bad news is, your good pal Cheese has evidently figured that out, too. And rather than doing the difficult but decent thing, and finding a way to graciously cope with this unfortunate turn of events, she’s decided to torpedo both your friendship and her dignity over it.

Which is ridiculous, obviously. Not only is it breathtakingly petty and immature, but it’s not going to make her feel even the tiniest bit better. Even if it works, and she successfully blackmails you into forgoing a relationship with this guy, his feelings are still going to be what they are. And since that’s the true source of her unhappiness, she’s still going to be miserable, and in all likelihood still making you pay for it the same way she is right now — which is important, because when you say that you feel like your relationship is crumbling, the answer is that yes, it is, and this is all before you’ve so much as touched the guy. You’re being punished for having feelings; do you realize how messed-up that is? So please, stop talking about what you deserve, as though you’re responsible for creating the distance between you and your bestie. This isn’t happening because of something you did or didn’t do; it’s happening because your friend is making some super-unhealthy choices about how she deals (or doesn’t) with rejection.

And look, I’m not saying that this means Cheese is a bad person. Getting passed over romantically in favor of your best friend is awful, and also unique in its power to compel an otherwise sweet and decent person to lose her damn mind and indulge her worst impulses and just generally flail around like a tornado full of impotent rage. But sympathizing with her pain and enabling her manipulation are two different things — which is why you’re going to voice the former while putting your foot down on the latter.

In your own words: “I know you have a crush on Crackers, and I’ve tried to be respectful of that, but the way you’re blackmailing me with the loss of your friendship over this is not right or fair. I shouldn’t have to make that choice, and if you’re really my friend, you won’t ask me to.”

Oh, and one more thing: Before you have this chat with Cheese, you might want to make a date with your crush to discuss what is or isn’t going on between you, and whether he’s interested in making it official. Because if he isn’t… well, that’s disappointing. (And weird, considering the Valentine’s Day stickers and the excessive flirting.) But if he is, then this is also where you let Cheese know that you and Crackers are now coupled-up, and that while you hope to keep her in your life, you’ll understand if she needs time to deal with it.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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