Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend and I Have Nothing to Talk About
Dear Auntie,
I have the following questions to ask: is it possible to be intellectually attracted to someone only? How can I keep my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend healthy or exciting?
Let me explain the context: I currently have a boyfriend; we’ve been together for four months. Let’s call him M. We’ve recently had to adjust to a long-distance relationship (like 13,000 km away from each other) because he migrated. We have different interests and hobbies and tastes in music. I am interested in a lot of things — from psychology to philosophy to math to arts to technology and so on while the main thing he likes is football and really, just that. I like football too but not as passionately as he does.
He has raised to me the concern that he feels he cannot contribute to our conversations as much as he thinks I would like him to. On the other hand, I sometimes am concerned that I bore him with all the things I talk about. He says he loves listening to me and he does find some things boring, and I appreciate his honesty, but recently I have started to feel like I need someone to discuss things with, confirming his concern.
I have this male friend; let’s call him H. We’ve been friends for longer than I’ve known M, and I find him so fascinating, especially with regard to his broad range of knowledge. I have told M before that I had been attracted to H, but didn’t push through with a relationship with him because I was two years his senior, so I felt like I should behave more like an older sister to him and because at that time I was already with someone else and he was with someone else also. (Un)fortunately, whenever I talk to him, I always feel so excited to discuss things that recently, one time we even stayed up until 3 AM just to talk. (Now this does not mean that I don’t do that with M.) But that’s just about it. I like talking to H, but I don’t feel any other chemistry or spark the way I feel for M. M makes me laugh and happy in ways I never thought I could be. M also inspires me to be a better person, and I could see a future with him especially since I’m considering migrating also to where he is.
How do I keep a great relationship with M? Having an LDR with M certainly limits our interactions to video chats, and I’m scared that down the road I might find the relationship boring if all he could say is: I agree or I think you’re right. I also don’t want to feel like I’m cheating on him because of my attraction to H’s intellect.
Well, of course you don’t, Sparkler. Not only that, you shouldn’t! The definition of “cheating” may vary from person to person, but enjoying an intellectual chat with someone not your S.O. doesn’t qualify as infidelity by even the greatest stretch of the imagination.
The problem is, I’m guessing that doesn’t make you feel even the tiniest bit better. Because whether or not you should feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend every time you enjoy a long talk with H, let’s be real: you do feel that way. Right? It’s why this whole situation troubles you so much. And that’s not necessarily because you have a crush on your friend (although you might want to ask yourself honestly whether you’re sure there’s nothing there, if only because some people reading your letter would suggest that you protest a bit too much.) It could be as simple as the fact that your contact with him — in combination with your long-distance status with your BF — has the unfortunate effect of shining a big, bright light on the shortcomings of your current relationship. This guy is giving you something you need, a form of intellectual stimulation that is super-important to you as a person and fundamental to your happiness, which your boyfriend simply can’t provide.
In short: you and BF may have terrific physical sparks and lots of mutual fondness, but you can’t talk to each other.
You know that, sweet pea. And not for nothing, it sounds like your boyfriend knows it, too.
So when you ask how to keep your relationship great and healthy and exciting under these circumstances, the unfortunate answer is that you probably can’t. As long as you and your boyfriend are stuck doing the long-distance thing — in other words, as long as your interactions are limited to the one sphere in which your relationship is woefully unsatisfactory already— then “great” is a lot to hope for; the realistic best-case scenario is that you’ll find a way not to be actively and continually frustrated by it, ideally while counting down the days until you reunite. But on that front (and I’m sorry to pile more bad news on top of this bummer of a response), this is the part where Auntie SparkNotes must gently point out to you that your relationship is only four months old and already showing signs of being fatally flawed in ways that won’t disappear even if you do move country to be with him… as you will likely discover the first time you find yourselves home on a weeknight with nothing good on television.
And look: none of this is to say that you can’t still do your best to make it work, at least for as long as you can both tolerate a whole lot of one-sided, going-nowhere conversations in which you do all the talking and your boyfriend goes “Uh-huh” and you both feel secretly relieved when it’s time to hang up. There’s even a possibility (albeit a distant one) that you guys will find your conversational groove with a little more practice, and the problem will be solved. But you do need to realize: that moment you’re afraid of, at which your inability to talk to each other begins to make the relationship boring? It’s not some distant, future hypothetical. It’s here. You’re already bored, and already desperate not to be — hence your staying up until three in the morning just to have a conversation that doesn’t make you feel like you’re bouncing ideas off a brick wall. So while you’re welcome to hope for the best, please don’t let yourself get so caught up in the idea of a future with your boyfriend that you ignore the reality of your right-now. Pro tip: When the sight of his name popping up on your FaceTime alerts fills you with dread, it’ll be time to pull the breakup trigger.
Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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