Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Cheated on His Ex

Note: Auntie will be away for the next few days. Advice-giving resumes on its regular schedule February 8.

Hi Auntie!

I am a freshman in college, and have been dating a wonderful, amazing guy for almost three months. We’ll call him D. This is my first boyfriend, ever. He is incredible and respectful and sweet, and from the beginning of our relationship has clearly been interested in having a monogamous, serious relationship with me. Which is great, because casual flings are not something I personally can do. He’s met half my family, and was eager to do so, even when he was super nervous, because he wants to know my family. He shares everything about his life with me, and I with him. It’s a great relationship, and I really love him.

Now, when we started dating three months ago, he introduced me to a close friend, G, and G’s girlfriend, S, over Skype. S and I hit it off right away and talk frequently. Today, she let slip that D wasn’t exactly faithful to his last girlfriend. He was flirting and whatnot online with another girl, while in a relationship with someone in his hometown. When D and I started seeing each other, he felt the need to let me know that in past relationships, he had acted in ways that his past girlfriends found unacceptable, and alluded to having cheated. But then he made it clear that he was looking to change, knew what he did was wrong, was crazy about me, and wanted to date me and only me. And he offered all of this information himself. And he is so much more mature than when we started dating. Which wasn’t my goal, I wasn’t trying to change him or anything. I just think some personal growth happened.

I had never gotten details of the incident with his last girlfriend before. And I know that if I had committed such acts in past relationships, but wanted the chance to change and become a better partner in a relationship, that I would hope that someone would give me that chance. So I guess my question is, am I crazy for loving him so much and giving him that chance, even though I know how he acted with his past girlfriend? And also, is it worth talking to him about and letting him know that I do in fact know what did happen with his last girlfriend? We have such a trusting relationship and I don’t want to jeopardize it.

For starters, Sparkler, let’s just address the part where your problem, as stated, has a teensy problem of its own: You do not, in fact, know what happened with your boyfriend’s last girlfriend.

You know what your boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend told you about what happened, which is rather a different thing. We’re talking about a third-hand interpretation of events from someone multiple degrees removed from the situation, commonly known as “gossip.” And that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be some truth in there, somewhere, but the point is, you’ve no idea what actually happened or why or in what context.

That said, of course you would be within your rights to ask, by admitting that Friend’s Girlfriend told you something unsettling about why his last relationship ended and that you’re wondering what the real story is. And considering his previous openness to talking about it, you’d probably get the truth from him—or at least, his version of it. (Every relationship story is subject to the perspective of the people who were in it, which means his ex would probably describe their breakup somewhat differently if you asked her about it… not that you should do that. Please, do not do that.)

But darling, if I may be so bold as to suggest a course of action for you: Just let it go. Not just because every relationship is different, and because personal growth is real, but because the alternative is terrible. A world in which people have to answer forever for the dumbass stuff they did when they were 16 is a world none of us want to live in.

Everyone is guilty of less-than-awesome teenaged decisions—including, but not limited to, decisions like flirting online with another girl while you’re dating someone else IRL. Show me a person who was in a relationship in high school, and I’ll show you a person who did at least one selfish, stupid, or clueless thing that hurt their SO’s feelings. It goes with the territory of being young, inexperienced, and lacking in both perspective and impulse control. And as you’ve noted, floundering around in that territory is how people, including your boyfriend, gain the experience and perspective to avoid making those same mistakes in the future.

And except in the most extreme cases (murder, arson, breaking into the zoo and having sexual intercourse with a platypus), people deserve to move on from their teenage mistakes without prejudice, including the mistakes they make in relationships. I mean, even you probably have a misstep or two in your past that you learned and grew from; a fight with your parents, a conflict with a friend. You wouldn’t want some new person holding these things over your head, wondering if they should be friends with you, just because your ex-friend’s brother’s girlfriend’s roommate’s dentist told them that you did something insensitive to your BFF in high school. That would be crazy.

Whereas not dwelling on people’s past bad acts from a time when we didn’t even know them is not just not crazy, but healthy, normal, and necessary. And lucky for you, you’re halfway to doing that! But now would be a good time to let yourself get the rest of the way there, by enjoying and trusting the awesome boyfriend you have, and not troubling yourself with the fact that he had to fumble around in Dumbassville for awhile in order to become that way.

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