Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Had Naughty Pics on His Hard Drive

Hi Auntie,

I’m pretty mixed up. My boyfriend of over a year sent me a link to a game via Dropbox, but he didn’t just send me the link; he sent the entirety of his Dropbox contents on accident. I asked him if I could look at his pictures. He said yes, albeit after acting a bit weird about it. I ended up finding several pictures of girls from school and work turned around or bent over. It was obvious they didn’t know their picture was being taken.

I asked him about the pictures calmly, and I said I was worried because he could get in serious trouble for doing this sort of thing. He admitted to taking the pictures, said it was dumb and that he’d delete them and never do it again. But this one thing has made me question him completely. I was really surprised to see those pictures; does that mean this is out of character for him? Or is he actually a bad person? If I don’t break up with him, does that mean I’m condoning this sort of behavior? I don’t want to break up with him. I just wish I’d never seen those pictures. Now it makes sense to me why he always seemed nervous when I had his phone. I just feel really sad and confused. Breaking up with him would mean losing the only friend I have. I have social anxiety and I’m at an isolated point in my life right now.

And that really stinks, Sparkler. I’m sorry. Breakups are never fun, but they’re especially awful when your significant other is also your significant only, and you can’t end the relationship without deleting your sole (or main) social outlet. It’s very understandable that you’re reluctant to dump this guy.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to stay with him.

Of course, it also doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to leave, either. It just means that you need to be aware of your biases—in this case, the totally normal and natural desire not to be single and friendless during a difficult time in your life—as a factor that may influence you toward a less-than-ethically-sound decision.

But when it comes to that decision, darling, I’m sorry to say that I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t even tell you what I would do in a situation like this! On the one hand, taking pictures of people’s asses without their consent is hella creepy on its face (not to mention very murky regarding people’s legal rights, and likely a serious issue were your school’s administration to find out), and of course it’s upsetting to know he did it. To be clear, this is not okay, at all. But on the other hand… well, we are talking about a teenager, here. And if there are two things teenagers are famous for, it’s being both horny and impulsive in equal measure. There’s nothing new about a young person, and particularly a young male person, filing away the image of a coworker’s or classmate’s shapely rear end for, y’know, future reference. In this world, we’re photographed or filmed every time we go in a store, or sit at a stoplight, walk down a street in a populous city, or meander through a Pokemon gym unawares. But that doesn’t mean we have to forfeit our right to privacy—this might be a new issue, but humans have had to wrestle with how to get along harmoniously and leave each other’s butts alone since time immortal, so this is a pretty easy ruling, etiquette-wise. Surreptitious bend-y-over photos? Not okay.

Which brings us to the question of what makes this a potentially relationship-ending offense, instead of a perfect storm of adolescent impulse plus modern technology plus butts. And again, I don’t know the answer to that question. The intent with which they were taken, maybe? What do you think? Does it matter to you why your boyfriend took these photos, or what he did with them afterward? Was he Dropboxing them to other people? Uploading them to a creepshot site? Scrolling through them at parties while his friends looked over his shoulder and laughed? Or did this whole endeavor begin and end with the voyeuristic thrill your BF got from secretly snapping those pics, and if so, does that make a difference? How about the fact that he allowed you to see them despite clearly being embarrassed by it (which took a pretty enormous amount of trust and courage on his part) or the fact that he took responsibility, apologized, and promised to stop? What is the difference between these acts of voyeurism and the fetishization of Alex from Target, whose privacy—if not that of his butt—was torn to shreds by some girl with a camera phone? Was Alex harmed? *Can* he be harmed if the law protects photography in public places? These are sticky questions that we all feel differently about.

All of this is for you to think about, and maybe to discuss with your boyfriend again, depending on what conclusions you draw. And again, I can only give you the questions; you’ll have to find your own answers, and to understand that there is no right answer. There’s just how you feel and what you’re comfortable with—or in this case, what you can comfortably put out of mind. If you’re personally too disturbed to put this behind you, you should break up with him. Certainly, some people would feel that way, and that’s valid.

At the same time, though, some people wouldn’t be bothered. It’s your call.

But if what you decide is that you’d rather take him at his word, trust him, and continue the relationship, then just realize: You probably have things on your phone/in your hard drive/buried deep at the back of your closet that you’d be embarrassed to reveal to him, too. And if your private embarrassing shizz somehow popped into view—if someone accidentally walked in on you singing solo karaoke in a bear suit, or doing naked calisthenics, or eating your own bellybutton lint—it doesn’t make them an accessory to your weirdness when they stammer, “Oh, excuse me!”, and shut the door. Perhaps he realizes this was a mistake he doesn’t want to repeat. Perhaps the sheer horror of you finding these photos taught him an instantaneous lesson about the realities of privacy. Because, at the end of the day, we all do weird, line-toeing stuff when we think nobody can see us, it can be a true mark of intimacy, trust, and maturity to just pretend it never happened.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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