Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Invited Another Girl to Prom

Dear Auntie,

My school’s grad (or prom for non-Canadians) is at the end of the month and I was hoping that my boyfriend—let’s call him Brandon—and I (we’ve been dating for almost a year) would be each other’s dates as a way of telling our respective strict parents that we’re dating. However, they already strongly suspect that something’s up between us anyway.

Back in January, Brandon’s childhood best friend (let’s call her Jennifer) invited him to her school’s grad as her date. Brandon consulted me first, but I didn’t mind at all and I was pretty happy that he was reconnecting with an old friend. The problem is that Brandon is now taking Jennifer to OUR school’s grad as HIS date. He didn’t tell me ahead of time that he was planning to do this—I heard him telling one of our mutual friends. When I asked him about it, he confirmed that he was taking Jennifer as his date—matching his tie to her dress and everything. I’m too upset to ask him, so I don’t exactly know why Brandon decided to take Jennifer as his date to OUR school’s grad instead of me, but I’m going to guess that it’s his parents’ insistence (they adore Jennifer since she and Brandon grew up together), his stereotypical Canadian politeness (after all, she did invite him to HER school’s grad, so why not invite her back?), and his desire to reconnect with an old friend.

I’m very upset because I had assumed that Brandon and I would be going together, although to be fair, I think that I should’ve explicitly said that I was expecting to be his grad date, since we’re dating but haven’t told our respective parents. However, grad tickets have been purchased, dresses have been matched to ties, the seating arrangement has been made and I’m sitting at his table with his family and his date. I’m very upset, but I can’t really help how I feel. However, I CAN help how I behave. So here’s my question: how can I handle this with grace?

This is one of those letters that makes Auntie SparkNotes yearn for a time machine—and not just because the event in question will have passed by the time this response goes up. It’s because the answer to this question is the answer to any and every question about what to do with a big, uncomfortable pile of unexpressed feelings that are slowly congealing into a petrified lump of resentment:

TALK ABOUT IT.

Which is of course the one thing you haven’t done at pretty much every opportunity (and maybe even still haven’t, considering.) But Sparkler, when you’re “too upset to ask”? That’s when you have to ask—to be brave enough to say, “Hey, I’m hurt and confused by this,” and generous enough to listen to whatever the other person has to say in response. Those difficult conversations are the ones it’s most important to have, not just in spite of how vulnerable it makes you feel, but because of it. A relationship in which you can’t admit that vulnerability is a relationship without trust—and it’s not fair to you or your boyfriend. I mean, imagine how you’d feel if the situation were reversed, if you’d made the (total bonehead) move of inviting someone else to prom without warning hi, and he was the one feeling totally disappointed and betrayed and confused by what your motivations. Wouldn’t he be entitled to speak up? Wouldn’t you want him to?

And wouldn’t you hope he’d say something at the time, and certainly prior to the event in question, so that you’d be able to resolve any conflict or confusion beforehand, and not have the whole evening tainted by unspoken awkwardness and weird vibes?

Not that I’m saying your evening was tainted, by the way. I have no idea how things played out (and I will fully acknowledge that if anyone could successfully stuff down all those feelings, and all those secrets, in order to enjoy a classy evening of dinner and dancing and matchy-matchy cummerbunds, it’s a couple of super-polite and conflict-averse Canadians like yourselves.) But the point is, stuffing down your feelings is both uncomfortable and unnecessary—and whatever kind of time you had at your prom-thing, you would have had a better one if you just talked beforehand, simply because it’s always better and easier to deal with what is than to fret over the myriad horrors of what might be. Even if you were pretty sure that your boyfriend was pressured by his parents into extending that invitation, I’m guessing you were also still tormented by the possibility that he’d done it for any one of a dozen more upsetting reasons. And that’s no way to live, sweet pea. Love, especially secret love, is hard enough without making yourself feel clueless and powerless to boot.

Which is why, if you haven’t talked to your boyfriend about this, you should. (Even if the event has passed, it’s never too late to be honest.) And it’s also why, the next time you need to deal gracefully with a difficult situation, the first and best thing to do is make sure you know what you’re dealing with. Grace flows from confidence, after all. And while the worst-case scenario in moments like this is that you’re forced to put on your game-face while coping with a serious case of heartbreak, that’s certainly no more difficult (and maybe even easier) than having to keep an even keel when you’re not even sure whether you’re heartbroken or not.

Also, hopefully you’re not. He was just inviting her out of politeness, right?

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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