Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend’s Mom Hates Me

Dear Auntie,

I recently got into my very first adult relationship, but it’s not what I expected.

Most of the time we’ve spent together has been in his parent’s basement where he lives. I love spending time with him, and he’s told me he really really likes me. But his mom seems to hate me, and I don’t feel too good about her either.

He’s the oldest of four, and his cousin just moved in, kicking him out of his room and into the living room downstairs. This means no privacy at all, but his mom won’t let him pin up sheets or anything. His mom is really strict. Even though he’s 22, she bosses him around and threatens to raise his rent, kick him out, and ban me from coming over anymore. Whenever he and I plan to get together she piles up the chores he has to do so we can’t. And even when I’m already there, she’s always calling his name to have him do some menial chore right when we get comfortable.

Basically the only time we can get together without constantly being interrupted by demands for him to wash the dishes and feed the turtle and move the dresser around is when she’s gone. I really like this boy and he makes me feel good about myself and the world, but his mother is ruining it for both of us. I’m terrified to talk to her and he already has. Should I break up with him because I can’t stand his mom, or should I try not to spend time with him at his house, or should I just weather through his mom’s bulls–t?

Allow me to answer your question with a question, Sparkler: Do Boyfriend and his mom own a motel, by any chance?

Because in that case, not only should you break up with him, but you should most definitely not try to take a shower at his place before you skedaddle, if you get my meaning.

But all joking aside, even if your guy isn’t the second coming of Norman Bates, I’m sorry to say that a breakup is probably your best bet—not to mention inevitable. And that’s not because you can’t stand your boyfriend’s mom, but rather because your boyfriend won’t stand up to her, to the detriment of his relationships with everyone else. This is a grown man who pays rent to live in his mother’s house, and she won’t “let” him create a private space or socialize on his own terms? Oh, honey. This is the biggest pile of NOPE that Auntie SparkNotes has ever seen. And I have seen a lot of NOPE in my day, I’ll tell ya.

And even if you could avoid the guy’s mom by spending time with him in a different location, that won’t mean much as long as she’s got his (figurative) balls in a jar in her basement. You say he’s “talked” to her, and that’s fine—but it also has no effect if he doesn’t grow a backbone and set some boundaries. An emotionally healthy, mature adult doesn’t just ask mommy to loosen the rules but then keep on kowtowing to her when she refuses; he insists that she respect his right to autonomy, privacy, self-determination, and so on.

And if that doesn’t work, the emotionally healthy mature adult starts looking for his own damn apartment.

In short, your boyfriend’s unhealthy, co-dependent dynamic with his mother isn’t all her fault; it’s something the two of them are perpetuating by mutual agreement. And unless he’s prepared to change that state of affairs, it won’t matter if his mom is physically in the room when you spend time together; she’ll continue to come between you, because between you is where your boyfriend is putting her.

Of course, all of this is stuff you can potentially discuss with him. Maybe the threat of losing you will even be the wakeup call he needs that it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. But if your guy doesn’t take serious action to take control of his own life, I’m going to gently suggest that you see the writing on the wall and start looking for love elsewhere—and with someone who’s not already in a committed, all-consuming relationship with Mommy Dearest.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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