Auntie SparkNotes: My Brother Is Marrying an Abuser

Hey Auntie!

So just recently my brother, who we shall call Dean, got engaged to his girlfriend of only two years. She’s wonderful and I love her and their wedding is set for May of next year. Now here’s where the problem comes in.

My OTHER brother (who I will refer to as “John”) has a girlfriend, who will be called “Emily,, who upon being told of Dean’s engagement, in front of our entire family, got up and stormed out of the house without so much as a congratulations. John followed.

Emily proceeded to have an angry fit to John about the fact that she had been around for six years and they should be the first to be getting engaged and married, and lo and behold a month and a half later she had a ring on her finger and plans to get married this summer.

Now, this is not the only questionable behavior that Emily has had. She storms out four out of every five times that she is over spending time with our family—that is, if she even makes time to visit our family. John must always always always attend any of her family gatherings even if he previously had plans or has a ton of homework to do or else she’ll get upset, like yelling and crying upset, thus it is a rarity if we ever see him. He has missed family birthdays and important dates because of her. He switched churches because of her. They’re still in the same denomination, but she had him switch to a branch of our church that our family didn’t go to and that no one knew him or her because it was “closer to her school” (even though it is actually much further) and because she didn’t like being known as “John’s Girlfriend.”

Whenever we do see her, she is usually in a bad mood and makes it clear she doesn’t want to be at our our house and on top of that will constantly berate John calling him incompetent and yelling at him as well as saying things like “I love you but…” as she proceeds to criticize every little thing he is doing. We have tried nicely pointing out the fact that she does not treat John very nicely to him and he always dismisses it with “she’s just really stressed right now” or “well I like a girl with a temper on her.”

Basically he is going to marry someone who treats him super poorly and there’s nothing we can do about it. That being said, I want to try to have a discussion with Emily about how she treats John.

How can I bring up the fact that I don’t like the way she talks to him and that I feel like she is isolating him from our family without completely insulting her? The last thing I want to do is drive John even further from our family than she’s dragged him, but at the same time I just can’t let this slide since they’re slated to get married so soon. I feel like no one has told her that she’s being terrible so maybe she just doesn’t realize it? And maybe if I point it out she’ll be unhappy with me, but she’ll make some changes to be nicer to my brother because I love him and even though he’s chosen to spend the rest of his life with an abuser that maybe she can change her ways because supposedly she loves him too.

How can I bring it up nicely so that I don’t ruin ties with my brother? What should I say? Please help Auntie, I’m so worried about John.

Before I say anything else, Sparkler, let me say this: I am truly sorry. Not just for your pain at seeing your brother mistreated, but also for the incredibly bitter pill I’m about to give you to swallow.

Because while Emily might not be what you want for your brother, she is apparently what he wants for himself. She’s rude and controlling and moody and awful, yes. But she is his choice. And it’s a choice he is allowed to make, no matter how much you might wish he wouldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean Emily isn’t an abusive partner. She certainly sounds incredibly unpleasant, and your brother wouldn’t be the first person to retreat into denial rather than admit that he’s being treated badly. But either way, you have done what you can on that front: You’ve raised your concerns many times already, and your brother has dismissed them. If you go behind his back to do it again, you are both a) sending John a powerful message about how much you don’t trust or respect his judgment, and b) advertising yourself as a threat to Emily’s sense of control. And if you push it… well, you know what happens when he’s forced to take sides between fiance and family: he picks her. He picks her every stinkin’ time. (And if you think she’s going to deal with criticism by loosening her death grip on your brother for the sake of decency, then sweetheart, you’re dreaming. You’ve been watching this relationship long enough to know that that’s exactly the opposite of how she rolls.)

Which brings us to this: You’ve said a lot about how much you and your family don’t like Emily, and don’t like the way she treats your brother. And that’s fine; based on your description, she certainly sounds like a nightmare. But what you haven’t mentioned, and what arguably matters more, is how your brother feels. He’s been with her for six years; does he seem happy? Is his relationship dynamic–distasteful as it is to you—one that he’s an active and enthusiastic participant in? When John says that not only does he not mind that Emily is a hypercritical drama queen, but that he likes this about her, is he telling the truth?

And for that matter, is her abominable behavior at your family gatherings just coming out of nowhere, or is it perhaps a reaction to the fact that you guys don’t particularly like her—which would have been especially clear in light of your elated reactions to your other brother’s engagement? And is John’s distance from your family really just the result of Emily having “dragged” him away, or might it be something he chose himself, in the same way he chose a girl that none of you think is right for him?

I know these probably aren’t easy questions to answer. But it’s important that you tackle them, because it’ll help you untangle the next question: Is the problem here really that your brother is unhappy?

Or is it that you are, because he’s chosen a wife you don’t like, and a path that isn’t remotely what you wanted for him?

Because if it’s the former, then your relationship with your bro is arguably your first priority. And that means you’d want to give him support and solace, and to not do anything that might further erode his bond with you and your family, and to especially not put him on the defensive by attacking the fiance. (Because if he’s being abused, and if he ever gets the courage to leave, you want him to see you as a lifeline—which he won’t do if you’ve judged him.)

But if this is really about your dislike of his relationship, then it becomes a question of what you want, and where it intersects with what you can live with. Is staying close to your brother worth the effort to make peace with his terrible taste in women? And rather than approaching Emily with general criticism about her behavior, what if you got to know her—so that you could speak up as a friend if and when her behavior crosses certain lines? Practically speaking, you’ll get farther by appealing to her better nature (“I’m sure you don’t realize this, but the way you yell at John is really difficult to watch”) than by confronting her cold and telling her how awful she is. And if your brother loves this woman, and especially if he’s going to marry her, it’s in your best interests to find something to like about her—even if it has to coexist with serious reservations about her personality.

And finally, on that note, a bit of good news: Emily sounds awful, yes. But a lot of her awfulness sounds like it stems from immaturity, which is one thing that increased age and experience are gratefully a cure for. The way she is now may not be the way she is forever. And while it’s probably too much to hope that you two will one day become best friends, it’s not too much to expect that the passage of time will do its work to mellow her out—or, barring that, maybe to change your brother’s mind about what kind of person he wants to spend his life with.

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