Auntie SparkNotes: My Copycat Friend Is Smothering Me

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

My problem is very similar to the situation in My Friend is Trying to Become Me. The difference is, we’re in college, so she has the same major and minor as me, went to the same college as me, and now that I’m about to transfer because another school offers a better major, she wants to transfer, too.

My friend literally talks about things by saying “we” when I’m talking about myself, for example if I say I’m going to the spa this weekend she’ll come back and say oh we’re going to the spa. She is constantly invading my personal space by getting in my room via my roommates, without my knowledge or permission. She even attempted to fight me because she thought I was mad about something, but I just ended up getting hurt because she attacked me. She uses my stuff, eats and drinks my food and wears my clothes without permission.

She has made comments that she’ll kill herself if I stop being her friend, and when I get a boyfriend she will be a third wheel because she has to live vicariously through me. She even wants to follow me to California for graduate school and stated we’ll be living together until one of us gets married. She invited herself on my birthday trip and finds a way to be a part of my plans. She has really low self esteem and so I have trouble confronting her without her saying she’s lost all her friends anyway because she’s too negative (which is true). I don’t know what to do.

Well, this is one of those problems with a painfully obvious solution—one which is also, obviously, painful. You have to set boundaries, and ask for space, knowing that the other person isn’t going to take it well.

Unfortunately, Sparkler, the fact that this girl won’t like hearing you say no does not in any way preclude the necessity of saying it.

To be clear, that doesn’t mean you have to express your feelings in the most hurtful way possible. For instance, the part where her negativity has alienated pretty much all of her friends: That might be true, but it’s also not relevant to what’s going on between you. For instance, here is something you could say that would get your point across as quickly, succinctly, and kindly as possible:

“I value our friendship, but I need some space. I want you to stop borrowing my things without permission and coming into my room when I’m not there, and I need you to understand that I’m going to sometimes have plans with other friends that don’t involve you. Can you respect that?”

And here, for instance, is something you could say that would be as tangential to your main point as it is unnecessarily rude:

“I think you are the human equivalent of a wet turd on a shag carpet, and frankly, I’m not alone in that opinion.”

In short, darling, there’s plenty of room to be firm without being mean. And while I know that can be a hard concept to grasp—not least because people, and especially girls, are often socialized to see no difference between the two—it’s truly an essential one to wrap your head around. Otherwise, you’ll be preyed upon all your life by emotionally manipulative people who are counting on you being “too nice” to tell them where to go. Case in point: When this girl suggests that she’ll kill herself if you ever stop being friends with her, she’s the one who’s way out of line, and you’re well within your rights to say so, politely. (E.g. “I hope you’re kidding. That’s a totally messed-up thing to say to someone.”)

Which brings us to this: All the irritating stuff this girl does is, yes, irritating—but it only affects you insofar as you lack the courage to say no to her. As in:

No, I don’t like you borrowing my clothes without asking.
No, I actually plan to live on my own after graduation.
No, I have other plans today, I’ll see you later this week—and no, I can’t include any more people on this trip, I’m sorry.

You say that she “finds a way” to insinuate herself into her life, and you’re right! You just need to realize that the “way” in question is one you’ve left open to her, by allowing yourself to be convinced that you simply can’t disappoint her. But that’s a lie, Sparkler. You totally can, and it will totally be okay. Try it once, if you like, on a small scale: “Hey, I was going to wear that shirt tonight. You shouldn’t have borrowed it without asking. Please go take it off, right now.”

She might balk, but she won’t die, and moving forward, she’ll be that much less likely to pull stuff like this, knowing you’ll push back just as hard. And for you, having learned what it feels like to set one little boundary, you’ll be that much more empowered to move on to the bigger ones.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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