Auntie SparkNotes: My Crush Has Flaws

Dear Auntie,

I have a crush on a girl at my school. I’m sure you’ve gotten one million emails from other boys with the exact same scenario, so I’ll get to the point.

When I didn’t know much about her, I watched her from a distance and thought she was the most amazing beautiful perfect person in the world ever. As you do with crushes.

I’ve gotten used to talking to her, as I should if I’m going to ask her out etc. But the more time I spend with her, the less I seem to care about her. I mean, I still LOVE her, but not as much as when I first met her. The more I’m exposed to her, the more I feel I’m desensitized to her. In fact, I’m starting to notice some *minor* flaws with her, such as (and I know this sounds really picky) her art style.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned, or accept my lack of interest?

Whoa, whoa, whooooa there, Sparkler. You mean to tell me that the more you got to know this girl, the more she turned out to be a person?

GROSS.

And it’ll only get worse from here, my friend. Realized that her art style isn’t quite to your liking is only the beginning; next thing you know, it’ll turn out that she pees and farts and stuff.

… Yeah, okay. I’m kidding. (Well, except about that last bit. I regret to inform you that the girl of your dreams does, in fact, have an excretory system with which she does all the usual human business.) But when you ask if it’s normal that you began to notice this girl’s flaws as you began to spend more time with her, the answer is that of course it is. Anyone can look amazing and beautiful and perfect from a distance, but relationships happen up close—and the closer you get to someone, the more of their humanity you’ll see. And of course that includes the parts that aren’t so perfect or polished, but it also includes the things that make the difference between admiring a shiny, pretty surface and falling deeply in love with a whole entire person.

Which brings us to this: It’s true that not every girl you admire from a distance will click with you once you’re up close and personal. But there’s also a huge difference between realizing you don’t connect with someone once you know her on a deeper level, and being upset and anxious that she has deeper levels at all.

So, what should you do? First and foremost, unless you can be okay with the fact that any girl you date is going to be a complex and multifaceted person who does not do absolutely everything exactly the way you’d prefer, you shouldn’t be getting involved with anyone. But more importantly, if you find yourself liking this girl less the more you get to know her, then you definitely shouldn’t be involved with her. It’s kind of a no-brainer that you should enjoy the company of the people you date—and if you enjoy her company so little that the pleasures of knowing her don’t even outweigh your distress over a ridiculous, insignificant “flaw” like her art style, then for the love of everything, don’t ask her out.

On the other hand, if you like her very much but you’re worried that it’s a bad sign for you to have noticed that she’s human… well, don’t. The way you felt about this girl when you were infatuated with her from a distance? That was never going to be sustainable once you got close enough to make a connection, and you shouldn’t be using it as a point of comparison when it comes to figuring out how you feel about her. You might have been very interested in this girl when you first met her, but you didn’t love her; you didn’t even know her. And that’s the trade-off: You can worship someone from afar, or you can know them intimately, but you cannot do both. There is no way to get close enough to love someone without also getting close enough to see their flaws. What matters is not that you don’t notice a girl’s flaws, but that you don’t mind them, because you’re too busy being delighted by all the ways in which she’s wonderful.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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