Auntie SparkNotes: My Dad Is Dying and I Think I’m in Denial

Dear Auntie,

I have a problem I need help with. Actually, I have a few.

I am 15, have ADHD, and am currently enrolled in an online school and taking a college course. My father is in the last stages of ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. He has a tracheotomy and everything. A few months ago we moved to a new state because my father is dying and we want him to spend his last days with his family. I have been living with this for five years now.
I don’t really have too many experiences making friends; I either get down shot, dropped, their parents get in the way, or they just don’t call. I have made a few online friends, but none IRL. It never really impacted me as much as one would think, but for the last few years I have been keeping to my thoughts a lot. I may also have a certain form of autism (HF) as well.

Now for Problem 1: I feel like I am in a subconscious state of denial (maybe?) about the inevitable death of my father; I feel relatively unscathed by learning the news when everyone else had taken it so terribly. It isn’t like I was happy or anything, just a state of emotionlessness where I should feel sad. Could it be due to naivety? It feels like this isn’t normal, like I should be heartbroken. Maybe I am? I don’t know.

Problem 2: I have not been able to focus. Could this have something to do with the above?

Problem 3: I get VERY aggravated and stressed very easily, how can I “cool down”?

Problem 4: I can’t seem to get anything done right. Even simple things I mess up. (Example: Makes a sandwich, leaves knife and peanut butter out. This is so prevalent I have developed a nickname, “Halfway.” I hate it.)

I’m so sorry about your dad, Sparkler.

But in light of that awful situation, I can at least assure you that everything you’re experiencing right now is normal, natural, and… well, maybe not predictable, but certainly not unexpected. What’s happening to your father is terrible, but as you said, it’s been happening for five years. And because the nature of ALS means there’s never been any question about the trajectory of his illness, having a dying parent is not a new, devastating development that you’re only just coming to terms with. It’s been part of your day-to-day life since you were ten years old, which means that you’ve hardly known what it was like for your dad not to be sick. So if you don’t feel so different from normal, that’s probably because this is your normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means you’re used to things being terrible.

And because you’ve been living so longterm with this kind of stress and sadness, it would also be normal for your reaction to come out as something other than straightforward grief — like, say, feeling unfocused and frustrated. One of the many terrible things about having a terminally ill family member is that it makes everything harder, and even small setbacks harder to take, because so much of your emotional bandwidth is already being soaked up by the effort just to make it through the day. Add to that the normal anguished business of being a teenager (i.e. a period of life in which 90% of the human population becomes moody, easily frustrated, and congenitally forgetful about things like putting the peanut butter away), and nothing about what you’ve described is strange or surprising.

Unfortunately, that does nothing to change the part where what you’re going through really sucks. But what I want you to realize is that the suck is not your fault, and that this is not the time for you to be raking yourself over the coals for insignificant gaffes like leaving a jar of peanut butter on the counter. (Not that it ever really makes sense to beat yourself up about something that silly, but this is a moment at which you particularly deserve to give yourself a break.) If you mess up, just put away the PB, or whatever, and move on with your life. And if you don’t like being called “Halfway,” you can always confide in whomever coined the nickname that it makes you feel bad about yourself and ask them to stop (though before you do that, you might want to consider what your family means by it? You know them better than I do, but from here, it kinda sounds less like an insult than a term of endearment).

Meanwhile, when it comes to helping yourself stay cool when you’re feeling overstressed, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to find an outlet that takes the edge off to begin with, so that you’re not always just one small setback away from losing your shizz. Give yourself permission to escape for an hour each day into an activity that feeds your soul, whether it’s reading quietly or lifting weights or watching Key & Peele skits on a continuous loop. Talk to your online friends — about your family situation, if you want to, but it’s also fine if you’d rather use those relationships as a chance to not talk about that; what matters is that you reach out to people who will reach back. (Side note: If a counselor is available to you, you should definitely be sitting down with him or her a couple times a month.) And if you do find yourself getting worked up? That’s going to happen sometimes, and it’s okay. You’re only human! But rather than trying to wrestle your feelings into submission, aim for the more achievable goal of simply channeling them in a healthy way, i.e. not lashing out at whoever happens to be nearby. If you’re calm enough to articulate what’s going on in your head, practice taking a deep breath and say, “I feel really frustrated because [insert reason here].” If you’re not, then excuse yourself and take a walk, or punch a pillow, or unleash an obscenity-laden tirade at your pet guinea pig, who can take it all in stride without offense or upset because his brain is the size of a raisin. Literally anything goes, Sparkler, as long as it gets you through and doesn’t hurt anyone else.

And above all, try to be forgiving — of yourself, but also of the people around you. You’re all going through a terribly hard time, but generosity of spirit is the one thing that can make it a little easier, and it’s one thing that’s totally within your power to give. And on bad days, try to remember that all of this will change — some of it for the better, and some of it in a way that is heartbreaking and challenging, but ultimately still different from what you’re dealing with now. I wish you the best of luck. And if you think to, please write back and let us know how you’re doing.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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