Auntie SparkNotes: My Friend Excluded Me From Her Birthday Party

Hi Auntie,

Well, here goes. One of my best friends recently had an 18th birthday party (more akin to a small get-together, not a wild, booty-twerking rager). We don’t have any classes together this year, but we text almost every day and talk on Google Hangouts very often. I was kind of hurt to have not been invited, and to have only heard about it from a mutual friend. I’d thought that we were (are) pretty close, so I guess I’m feeling a little left out and betrayed. I texted—not angrily or accusingly—just to wish a happy belated and to ask out of curiosity why I wasn’t invited. My friend seemed sorry and said it was because she’d invited people in her classes this year, and so forgot about me, but I’m confused because we talk nearly every day.

So I guess my question is: how should I handle the situation? I’m not sure if my friend is just trying to spare my feelings and didn’t want to invite me, or actually forgot. I’d thought we were really close, so I don’t want to act sullen or pitiful, even though inside I’m kinda feeling like crap. I feel like this kind of thing has happened at least 2-3 times in the past, so I’m wondering also if there’s something about me that makes me cool to talk to, but hard to hang out with? The whole debacle’s been kind of a downer, so I’m just looking for advice on how to feel better about it.

Aw, Sparkler. I’m sorry that happened to you, because it is, truly, a total bummer. Even when it’s not done out of malice, it doesn’t feel good to be excluded—and it feels especially not-good when it’s a repeat occurrence, one you suspect is happening for a reason that everyone is studiously choosing not to reveal to you.

And yet, you can give yourself a huge pat on the back for handling a lousy situation with real grace. Because not only did you approach your friend for an explanation with incredible maturity and restraint, but you’ve also had the courage and self-awareness to notice that there’s a pattern here, and to ask the questions that might help you figure out what’s causing it.

Because there certainly are reasons why people get left off guest lists, which have nothing to do with their overall likeability or how their friends feel about them. Some people are better one-on-one than they are in groups. Some people don’t do well at parties where everyone else knows each other, and they’re the odd one out. Some people are unruly drunks who are lovely during daytime events but shouldn’t be allowed out after dark. (Yes, you, Gary.) And in the case of this particular party, there may be a clue in the fact that it was a) a small gathering, where b) the guests were all people who see each other regularly in one particular context. It’s not impossible that your friend got tunnel vision when it came to making her guest list and genuinely didn’t think to include you. It’s also possible that she did think of you, but also recognized that including you would change the dynamic of the party—maybe because you’re not great at parties, but also maybe just because you would have been the one guest who didn’t know everyone else in attendance.

The thing is, that question you asked? That’s the kind of question you ask a close, trusted friend, one who knows that you won’t punish her for giving an honest answer.

“I’ve realized that I don’t get invited out a lot, and I’m wondering if there’s a reason why. I know you said you didn’t exclude me from your birthday party on purpose, but I also know you might have been trying to spare my feelings—so can you just be brutally honest and tell me if there’s something about me that makes me hard to hang out with? If there is, I would rather know.”

What’s nice about this is that your friend’s answer will tell you a lot, not just about any potentially uncomfortable truths behind your non-invitedness, but also about the state of your relationship. And it also lets her know, without confrontation or accusation, that she should be considerate of this issue when it comes to future event planning. And with any luck, by the next time your BFF’s birthday rolls around, you’ll feel as confident accepting her invitation as she is happy to extend it.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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