Auntie SparkNotes: My Friend Uses Me as an Emotional Dumpster

Dear Auntie,

I have this new friend, let’s call her Anne. I met Anne at our university’s cafeteria about two weeks ago. We both had a great conversation about art, a passion we both share, and the conversation ended with us both deciding to get to know each other better. At the time this seemed like a really lucky event, because I have been a little lonely on campus since my best friend graduated.

Fast forward to the Friday night of that week, when we decided to hang out at her apartment. Several times when I was talking to her that night she would stop me and question if I was being genuine with her, she kept wanting to know if I was lying to her. She would also ask me really awkward questions like if I’m anorexic, or if I have anger against my conservative family, neither of which are true. I got up to leave after she asked me that stuff, but she stopped me and told me that my clothes “look like shit on me.” She then proceeded to give me several shirts and a pair of jeans, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer when I said I didn’t want them. I looked at the labels and they are all expensive brand clothes, so I feel horrible for taking them.

Last night I decided to give her a second chance, so we got together at her apartment again so that we could draw together. At first I was having fun showing her my work and talking about art. About an hour later though, she started going on and on about how she feels like she cannot trust anyone, including me, and how she feels ugly and broken. Then she would stop and insist that I tell her something personal in return, and at that point I snapped and told her that she’s obsessed with the idea that people are lying to her. This resulted in a half an hour of her ranting at me about her abusive ex boyfriend and sobbing, and when she got done crying she opened the door and demanded that I leave.

Whenever I leave from seeing her I feel like I’m an ungenuine person and a bad friend; she makes me doubt myself. I hate that she is using me as her emotional dumpster. I would leave her, but I feel sorry for her because she is so troubled, and I can’t ignore her after she gave me all of those expensive clothes. I feel trapped! What do I do?

Fortunately, Sparkler, the solution to your problem is simple, and all you need to pull it off is a little confidence and a large paper bag.

The confidence is for quickly and decisively stepping back from your ill-advised, definitely-not-working-out friendship with an actual lunatic.

The paper bag is for the clothes, which you’re going to leave on her doorstep with a politely-worded “Thanks but no thanks” note.

Because holy cats, dude. You have got to cut ties with this girl before she gets her hooks any further into you than she already has—particularly since you seem to be so very, uniquely susceptible to her particular brand of toxic manipulation. I had to read your letter several times before it sank in that your “friendship” with this human suckerfish is all of two weeks old. Two weeks! In which you’ve spent a grand total of one lunch and two evenings together! The fact that you’re doubting your reality and your judgment within such a short amount of time is actually pretty worrisome; it suggests that you’re vulnerable to being messed with in a way that can make you a repeat target for exactly this kind of social terrorism.

Which is what you’re dealing with, by the way. Your first hangout with Anne was one big mind-game from start to finish, one in which she put you on the defensive by questioning your sincerity, created the illusion of instant intimacy with her oversharing, and polished it off with an unsolicited gift that undermined your confidence and made you feel indebted to her all at the same time. It’s no wonder you feel trapped; you’ve been on a one-way guilt trip to Crazytown from the moment you embarked on your friendship with this girl. And the incredible thing is, she’s got you so off-balance that you’ve totally lost sight of the fact that you aren’t obligated to her in any way. You “can’t ignore her”? OF COURSE YOU CAN. You barely know each other! You don’t owe her anything beyond the basic civility you’d afford to any slightly unhinged, boundary-challenged stranger.

Which brings us to your next step: First, free yourself from whatever tangible hold you feel she has over you by giving back the clothes. If you do it in person, keep it simple and non-negotiable: “I appreciate it, but I can’t accept these.” End of conversation. (If Anne tries to argue with you, and she probably will, your next line is, “I’m sorry, I have somewhere to be,” followed by a swift exit.) And from there, how you extricate yourself from the relationship is up to you. If you want to provide an explanation, you can—”I’m not comfortable with the way you treat me, and I think it’s best we don’t continue this friendship”—but again, you barely know this girl. And considering how gifted she is at guilting you for things you have no business feeling guilty about, this is one of those rare times when ghosting may not just be permissible, but an act of self-preservation on your part.

And finally, I know it’s hard, but please do try not to beat yourself up about this. Not only is Anne’s boundary-challenged bizarro behavior entirely her fault, but I would bet you anything that it’s something of a pattern with her—one in which she manipulates a vulnerable person into a superficially intense insta-friendship, only to drive them away with her over-the-top demands for closeness… which of course just supports her continued complaints that she’s a perpetual victim of disingenuous people who only pretended to be her pals. This is unfortunate, of course, and sad, but it’s really not your problem. And while Anne would probably benefit from a wake-up call about how badly she’s sabotaging herself, for a variety of reasons, I don’t think you’re the person to give it to her. You have your own stuff to deal with, namely, the doormat tendencies, insecurity, and loneliness that got you into this situation so deeply, so quickly. It’s worth noting that the things that made you susceptible to manipulation by this extremely emotionally unhealthy person can make you a target for people like her down the road. So once you’ve found the confidence to cut ties, try to hang onto it for future reference, okay? Okay.

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